Honk If You Hate These Cheeseheads In Traffic.
By Tom Danehy
A FEW WEEKS ago I wrote something about bad drivers in
town. After it came out, several of my friends said, "Gee,
Tom, that was cool, but why don't you be more specific in future
columns?" (And yes, sadly, I do indeed have friends who talk
to me just like that.)
So, for the past few weeks, I've been driving around, taking
copious notes as to which category of driver is the absolute worst.
At first I tried to catalog everything, but do you know how hard
it is to write down "Red-haired woman, smoking and singing
country music while running red left-turn arrow" in a notebook
on the passenger's seat, while steering with the left hand, staring
straight ahead at the road, and trying to keep the car at exactly
the speed limit?
Heck, I can't even keep the car at one speed when I'm in the
vehicle inspections place. Is that the most embarrassing thing
in the world, to be asked to get out of your car after several
futile attempts so that some woman named Bunny can drive your
car better than you can?
Anyway, despite my friends' pleas for specificity, I decided
the best I could do is look for trends. And after weeks of exhaustive
research, I present my findings:
CAR IN WHICH ABSOLUTELY NO ONE LOOKS GOOD DRIVING: The Corvette.
Is there a more pathetic sight than a 40-ish man driving a Corvette?
Okay, two Mormons on bicycles. But other than that, a Disco Dentist
driving around with the top down in a Corvette, the wind whistling
past his gold chains which lay across his transplanted chest hair,
lays claim to the dubious title of El Dorko Mas Pathetico.
Alas, a Corvette is the kind of car a guy dreams about having
when he's a kid, and by the time he's old enough to afford one,
it's waaay too late.
And a woman driving a Corvette always looks like Flo on the old
TV show Alice. Or, if she's young, she looks like a hootchie
Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, meaning that in 20 years, she'll look
like Flo.
Nobody has looked good driving a Corvette since the Mercury astronauts.
CAR MOST LIKELY TO BE VANDALIZED: One of those sorry-ass little
Nissans or Hondas with the tires sticking way out from the vehicle.
By itself, that's not enough to make an unbalanced person take
a hammer to it. It's the fact that the pansy who owns that piece
of shit has decided to park it diagonally across two parking spaces
in the lot.
Hey Dickhead, why not just put a sign on your ride which reads,
"Please scrape a key along my door to show your displeasure
with my having made you walk an extra half-block to the store?"
Actually, that wouldn't work. People who drive cars like that
probably don't use gerunds.
I have to be clear here. I have never vandalized a car, nor do
I condone such reprehensible behavior. But I do know what causes
it. (And when I say I've never committed vandalism, that doesn't
mean I haven't hocked a well-placed loogie in my time. Windshield
is good, driver's-side window is better, door handle is best.)
The worst thing of all is that those cars look really stupid.
Why draw attention to them. They look like the boxy landing craft
in which Spock and others were stuck in a decaying orbit back
on the original Star Trek. They don't really think that
looks cool, do they?
MOST AGGRESSIVE DRIVERS: Big-haired women driving pickup trucks
with Dallas Cowboys stickers on them. The stickers are on the
trucks, actually, although I wouldn't be surprised if the women
had them, too. Just please don't ask me to check.
Cowboys fans are, by definition, jerks. Put one behind the wheel
of a big truck and it's like, "What do you mean I can't make
a high-speed U-turn across three lanes of traffic, narrowly missing
an unloading school bus and causing elderly pedestrians in the
crosswalk dive for cover? I just heard on the country station
there's a sale on 12-packs at the mini-mart."
MOST INCONSIDERATE DRIVERS: Those guys driving pickups with a
trailer along behind full of weeds, tree stumps, and gardening
tools. I didn't know there was such a thing as a landscaping emergency.
You know these guys. They all look like they're related to the
Allman Brothers. Long, stringy blond hair which hasn't been washed
since the monsoons ended, driving along listening to "Stairway
To Heaven," and drinking a lite beer designed to tide them
over until after work, when they start in on the heavy beer.
They weave in and out on the freeway, secure in the knowledge
that if they're ever pulled over, their defense will be, "Hey,
I didn't know we cut in front of somebody. I can't see behind
me what with that mountain of weeds that's spilling out of the
trailer all over the freeway. Huh? No, I don't have a license,
but my brother Elbert has one for the both of us. He's my brother
and my uncle. See, Ma and Pa were kin before they got married.
I always said they slept together for years before they started
sleepin' together."
I used to think these guys were dumb, but now I know better.
See, they pull the weeds at somebody's house, then get up to 80
mph on the freeway to spread the weeds to the four winds. Then,
when they get to the next house, their trailer is empty and they've
sown the seeds for new business all over the valley.
MOST AGGRAVATING DRIVER: This is usually the one who pulls out
right in front of me, causing me to swerve and/or slam on the
brakes, then proceeds to drive 10 miles under the speed limit
while I'm on my way to or from church. Technically, I'm in a state
of grace, so I can't honk, or yell or wave. All I can do is raise
my hand to God, when what I really want to be doing is raising
one-fifth of my hand to the idiot in front of me.
If you have others, please write and tell me. Just don't feel
the need to show me.
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