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America Is Such A Bountiful Cornucopia Of Crapola.
By Tom Danehy
IT'S THAT TIME of year, and we're feeling reflective. On
this Thanksgiving, besides family, friends, health and the rest
of the usual crap, here are some other things I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful:
- That the American voters said loudly and clearly, "Enough
is enough!" Nobody condones what the President did, hardly
anyone believes that he's contrite, but then also, almost no one
believes that he committed any real impeachable crimes. Indeed,
I think what Kenneth Starr did was worse than Clinton's shenanigans.
The President did a bad thing, history won't remember him kindly,
but let's move on.
Clinton might be a dick, but Ken Starr is a weenie.
- That Sean "Puffy" Combs has apparently run out
of '80s pop tunes to butcher into rap-lite garbage. Puff Daddy's
collaboration with Jimmy Page marks one of the true low points
in the history of popular music. And remember, it happened the
same week as the release of Vanilla Ice's Greatest Hit
album.
- That the Tucson Police Department, after screwing up on
so many things, is actually doing a good thing with these morning
traffic crackdowns. And if you don't like them, you must be one
of the (unmentionable body parts) whose driving habits prompted
the public outcry for the crackdowns in the first place.
- That BASEketball flopped miserably. Those two crackheads
do enough damage with the frighteningly unfunny South Park.
If they had succeeded with that film, God knows what the movies
would have spiraled down into. And yes, I realize that I ended
that sentence with a preposition. Just thinking about South
Park lowers one's IQ.
- That Vern Friedli, newly retired as a teacher, is still
coaching football at Amphi High. Everyone who aspires to the title
"Coach" lives in his shadow. His undersized, undermanned
Panthers won their fifth straight 5A-South football championship,
the 19th in his 23 years at the school. Last week, Amphi made
its 18th consecutive trip to the state playoffs.
- That my daughter can enjoy the music of Mariah Carey without
ever thinking of the hootchie-mama singer as some kind of role
model. In a way, I feel sorry for Carey. She married that dirty
old man, Tommy Mattola, when she was way too young. And now that
the divorce is final, slutty season's just busting out all over.
If her clothes were any tighter, they'd be internal.
- That there is Diet Pepsi. With soda pop being my one real
addiction in this world, it if didn't come in diet form, I long
ago would exploded like some pathetic character in a Monty Python
skit.
- That Law & Order continues to defy all odds
by maintaining its excellence despite an average of one major
cast change per year. I don't even know the name of this year's
new woman attorney, but it doesn't matter. The plotting is intricate,
the writing is razor-sharp, and the cast of Sam Waterston, Steven
Hill, Jerry Orbach, et al is breathtakingly good.
As long as shows like Law & Order and The Practice
are on, people who would try to criticize all TV as vapid don't
have shit of any value to say.
- That Carl's Jr. will make you a Western Bacon Cheeseburger
at 8 a.m. Hey, sometimes, you just gotta.
- That Jim Livengood didn't listen to the jerks who were
calling for Dick Tomey's head midway through last season. The
10-1 Wildcats are in position for a Top 5 national finish this
year, and, with a majority of the key players back next year,
could make a legitimate run at the national crown.
- That Comedy Central provides a great late-night alternative
to Leno and Letterman with its killer pairing of The Daily
Show and Win Ben Stein's Money. The former is a highly-irreverent
look at the news of the day, while the latter offers Jeopardy-quality
quiz questions in a light-hearted setting.
If you can beat the brilliant Stein on the final round of 10
questions, you're a baaad man, regardless of gender.
- That they found a way to get all the fat out of tortilla
chips. Now, if only they could also remove those pesky calories,
I'd be well on my way to achieving my goal of hitting my college
playing weight. Actually, I'm already at my college playing weight,
if you don't count my arms and legs.
Anyway, they don't have to take all the calories out. If they
can make it one-calorie, that'd be fine. Besides, I want to hit
my college playing weight of around 170, not my high-school weight
of 135.
The only men who are comfortable at 135 are Mexican boxers and,
apparently, David Spade.
- That Alanis Morrissette released a new album. I had almost
forgotten how annoying her first one was. I needed a booster shot
of annoying. Plus, she's NAKED in the video! PUT IT BACK ON!!
She's horrible.
Okay, all you Canada fans, take your pick: Alanis Morrissette
or Celine Dion. Heck, I'll even throw in Shania Twain and her
cynical country-pop slop. Here in America, we have Aretha Franklin,
Linda Ronstadt, Gloria Estefan, and so many others.
- That I was able to hear Jackie Chan sing the old Edwin
Starr song, "War...(What Is It Good For?)" before I
died. I never knew how empty my life had been before that moment.
Hey, maybe that's where things went wrong. We should have had
Edwin Starr investigate the President instead of Kenneth Starr.
"(Pejorative withheld)...What is she good for?"
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