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 As If Anybody In America Cares, The U.S. Made It Into The World Cup Tournament. By Tom Danehy THE WORLD CUP starts this week. For those who are unfamiliar, the World Cup would be the Planet's Biggest Sporting Event if only it involved a sport. Since it involves soccer, it's the Planet's Biggest Something Else. Most of the world thinks this is a big deal. Wars stop (or start) because of it. People commit suicide over the results. All over the face of the earth, people stay up really late to watch the games (just like white trash people do here for The Jerry Springer Show).
It's been 30 years since protesters, being beaten mercilessly by Dick Daley's cops, shouted, "The whole world is watching!" in the streets of Chicago. The World Cup is sorta like the Chicago riots, but without the sportsmanship. The United States is in the World Cup, although no one here really cares. We're now in the 37th consecutive year where soccer is on the verge of becoming "The Next Big Thing." Maybe after the Klingons arrive. The U.S. team earned a berth in the global spectacular by finishing second or third or something in its zone. This U.S. team accomplished this feat by beating Jamaica, 0-0, pounding El Salvador, 1-1, and then punishing both Trinidad and Tobago, 2-2. To 2. When the Americans played countries which have actual economies, like Canada and Mexico, they got smacked up. Fortunately, our zone was stacked with enough weak teams that Nike was able to buy the U.S. into the Big Show. This year's extravaganza is being held in France. It's been a while since a world-class sporting event has been held in France. And after the World Cup, it will still have been a long time. Actually, the last big sports event they held was last summer's Tour de France (that's cycling--the second most ignored sport in America). When the starter shot off the gun, half the population of France voluntarily surrendered to Germany. According to a recent Final Jeopardy question, France attracts the most tourist visitors in the world each year, more than 55 million annually. Personally, I think those numbers are cooked. I believe this for two reasons: One, I've been to the Grand Canyon, Disneyland and Las Vegas and have seen the entire population of Japan in those three places. And Two, I think the French count that time they invited the Nazis into the Alsace-Lorraine and the Germans ended up staying for most of the decade. We need to tighten up our definition of tourism. Since the games are being held in France, they should get a lot of tourists from nearby England, the Land That Fluoride Forgot. British soccer fans, lovingly referred to as "hooligans," are young, unemployed skinheads who all look like Bob Geldof. You remember Bob Geldof. He was the leader of the Boomtown Rats who almost was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for organizing the Live Aid concert. He's in the news again recently, this time for being blamed for causing INXS singer Michael Hutchence to commit suicide. Most news reports claim that Hutchence was despondent over the fact that his live-in girlfriend (who was Geldof's ex) was having trouble gaining custody of the kids she had with Geldof. I think the truth is that Hutchence just woke up one day and realized he was having sex with a woman who had had sex with Bob Geldof, and the thought was too much to bear. Talk about a new sensation. Hooligans bring an air of excitement to the soccer matches. They also bring chains, knives, guns, bottles and brass knuckles. The entire hooligan entourage looks like a reunion of everyone who appeared in the Dexys Midnight Runners video, "Come On, Eileen." No one really knows, or cares, who's going to win this year's Copa Mundial. The 1994 Cup went to Brazil, which defeated Italy in the finals by a score of 1-1. Really. Now you see why this sport is the worldwide craze that it is. What we do know is that the United States probably won't win. The U.S. got a tough draw in round-robin play. The Cup folks throw teams into round-robin groups and have them play for a while. Then the ones with the best records (teams that win games by 1-1 scores are deemed better and more exciting than those who win, 0-0) are thrown into the Sweet 16, if you will. The Americans are in a group with Germany, Yugoslavia and Iran. Now, the only two things Germany can beat us in are high-speed automobile crashes and soccer. And only one of those is even slightly interesting to watch. (I like the slow-motion shots of the airbags deploying.) Yugoslavia used to be this big old country in the throes of inner turmoil and revolution. Now it's spun off into a bunch of little countries, all of which are in the throes of inner turmoil and revolution. In one mini-country, they were fighting over the important issue of spelling reform. Seriously. But, they're still good enough in soccer to whup the U.S. The Americans open up with Iran. This is supposed to be some big political deal, but I don't see it. Iran used to be our friend, bought and paid for. Then they had a Religious Revolution and they pretty much bombed themselves back into the Stone Age. It hasn't been all bad, however. I saw on 60 Minutes that they are now even letting girls go to school in Iran. Apparently, they need someone to count the goats while the men are busy watching soccer and avoiding showers. If the U.S. loses to Iran in soccer, that's pretty pathetic. But if the U.S. beats Iran in soccer, well, that's pretty pathetic, too.
The night skies of Tehran will be lit by the bonfires of placards
which read "Death to the Yanquis," while in the U.S.,
the game will be the seventh item on SportsCenter, behind the
Cubs game, an NBA trade, and four reports on pre-season real football.
Just as it should be.
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Actually, it's just a big-ass soccer tournament. It's exactly
the same as the one we have here at Ft. Lowell Park every year,
except in the World Cup, people other than immediate family members
show up in the minivans and lawn chairs to watch the action.
