The Answer Dude Makes Amends For Dogging Soccer...Sort Of.
By Tom Danehy
WHEN I WROTE my column last week about the ongoing World
Cup soccer championship tournament, I upset someone whom I care
about. Lourdes Barrera was the captain of the freshman girls basketball
team I coached this year at Amphi. She read the column and said,
"Tom, why did you dog soccer? I played soccer. I used to
be good at it."
Having watched her kick the basketball around the court for nearly
three months last season, I had no doubt she was telling the truth.
So to be fair, I tried to find some nice things to say about
soccer and the World Cup. This is the best I could do.
No one knows exactly how many people have died as a direct
result of soccer games around the world, but conservative estimates
place the number in the thousands. (Here in the United States,
we lose a Jim Bubba every now and then at a stock-car race, but
that's about it. And while that's sad, it's actually a subtle
form of natural selection.)
The last big death involving the World Cup came in 1994. Colombia
committed El Pecado Grande by losing to the sorry-ass Americans.
What made the loss all the more galling was that the U.S. won
because Colombian star Andres Escobar mistakenly kicked the ball
back into his own goal. The Colombians didn't make it out of pool
play while the U.S. got to advance.
This was too much to take, apparently, because when Escobar went
home to Colombia, he was accosted by three men in a parking lot,
who said, "Thanks for the goal," then pulled pistols
and emptied them into Escobar's body.
Witnesses say the men shouted "Goal!" each time they
fired.
In a 1969 qualifying match between Honduras and El Salvador,
the home crowd began throwing rotten eggs and dead rats at the
Hondurans. Even after the home team won, 3-0, the crowd wouldn't
calm down.
The Honduran team had to be whisked from the stadium in armored
cars, glad to have lost and escaped with their lives. But as the
Honduran fans sought to leave, their cars were overturned and
burned by the unruly Salvadoran mob. Hondurans were forced to
run for the border on foot. Hundreds were kicked and beaten.
Then, to take being a bad winner to an extreme, the Salvadoran
government sent a plane (which was probably its entire Air Force
at the time) to drop a bomb on the Honduran capital of Tegucigalpa.
They then sent ground troops across the border, touching off a
mini-war which lasted 100 hours and claimed over 6,000 lives.
In 1970, when Mexico hosted the World Cup, the country was
swept with Cup Fever. When the Mexican team beat Belgium, 1-0,
the warden of Mexico's toughest maximum-security prison ran through
the prison shooting off a pistol and shouting, "Viva Mexico!"
Then, so he would have someone to share in the celebration, he
unlocked all of the cells and released 142 murderers, rapists
and robbers back into Mexican society.
In the 1978 World Cup, Argentina needed to beat Peru by at
least four goals in order to advance to the finals. Unfortunately
for the Argentines, a four-goal victory in Cup play would be like
winning the Super Bowl 60-0.
The junta running Argentina at the time figured a Cup title would
keep the home folks happy for a while, so they came up with a
plan. Just before the big game, the Argentine Bank suddenly unfroze
$50 million for Peru and then ordered a shipment of 35,000 tons
of grain to be shipped to Lima, free of charge.
The Peruvian team did the chorus-line bendover and lost by the
unprecedented score of 6-0.
Argentina would go on to win the World Cup in 1982, keeping the
junta in power a little longer. When things finally began to fall
apart completely, the leaders of Argentina started the really
stupid war over the Falkland Islands. Patriotism reigned in Buenos
Aires for a week or two, but when the Argentines realized they
were losing a war to people who all looked like Austin Powers,
that was the last straw.
(Actually, it shouldn't have been that surprising. Most of the
people of Argentina had lost to the British once or twice before.
Then they moved to Argentina and changed their last names from
Krueger to Sanchez.)
The junta was finally deposed, and for the next 15 years Argentina
was ruled by the dead body of Eva Perón, which led the
country to an era of unprecedented prosperity. The dead body was
then replaced by a guy named Menem, who is best known as the World
Leader With the Absolute Worst Sideburns.
I'll give you $1,000 if you can tell me the location of the
genuine, one-and-only World Cup. Actually, I won't, but
somebody will. No one knows where the real Cup is.
The original was crafted of solid gold and semi-precious gems
in Great Britain in the mid-'60s. Three months before World Cup
play was to begin in England in 1966, the Cup was stolen. A ransom
note was sent, but when the police decided to pay with phony money,
the exchange was botched. A middleman was caught, but he never
divulged the identity of the mastermind of the plot, who to this
day is known only as "The Pole."
Now, the only two Poles I know are Lech Walesa and Pope John
Paul II, and I'm betting neither one of them did it. Still, that
narrows it down a bit.
Amazingly, the Cup was found a few days later by a dog who sniffed
it out of a wad of rolled-up newspapers. The dog is a national
hero. And no Princess Margaret jokes here.
In 1970, the Cup was awarded permanently to Brazil, which was
the first country to win the title three times. Not taking any
chances, Brazil built a special, armor-plated, bulletproof, steel-lined
case into the wall at the Brazil Soccer Federation to house the
Cup.
A few years later, a couple guys walked into the building, tied
up the guard and stole the Cup from its impervious case. The entire
country was outraged, and a reward of (drum roll, please) $1,050
was offered for the return of the Cup. It's never been returned.
This year's winners, like everybody else since 1970, will receive
a replica of the original.
That's as good as it gets.
|