TV Is Pretty Much Over For The Year. So Go Read A Book.
By Tom Danehy
THE TV SEASON is over and now we must live in darkness.
It was pretty okay as TV seasons go: lots of good dramas, a few
really funny sitcoms, eight million nights of Dateline.
Something for everyone.
What are we supposed to do now? I mean, I love TV, but even I
won't sit around and watch reruns of shows from last winter. Everybody
knows you're supposed to save that for when the shows go into
syndication.
Someone suggested we go on a picnic on a nice summer evening.
I had to run for the dictionary to look that up. Not "picnic."
"Nice summer evening." What in the world is that?
No, summer is a time for summer basketball in a 98-degree gym,
mindless movies in a 70-degree theater, and mostly watching videos
in a swamp-cooled tract home.
I read somewhere that back in the 1960s, the TV season ran from
Labor Day until around the Fourth of July. Now there's a reason
to be nostalgic. One year, they made 39 episodes of My Favorite
Martian and ran a first-run episode every week from late September
until July 5. Of course, the work schedule eventually made
Bill Bixby turn into a green steroid monster, but that's another
matter.
Nowadays, even the biggest shows make only 22 episodes a year.
In a single year, they run 22 new ones, 22 repeats, and still
have to fill eight weeks with World's Most Dangerous Police
Chases of Secret Magicians As Animals Attack.
They don't start until October, show reruns from Thanksgiving
until mid-January, gear up for the February sweeps, take three
weeks off around Easter, then show three, maybe four, new episodes
in May.
That's enough to make people start reading books again. Fortunately,
I read books while I watch TV. That way, I break
even intellectually. It's like stomping on the gas and the brake
at the same time.
For those of you who were braiding your armpit hair and were
thus too busy to watch the chilling season end of Homicide:
Life On The Streets, please allow me to touch on this season's
high- and low-lights.
I'm waiting for an apology: Ellen
got canceled. I knew it was coming. I told you it was coming.
And for doing so, I was branded a bigot, even by someone here
at The Weekly whom I like and respect very much.
Because I dared to state that the show wasn't funny, I was all
of a sudden a gay basher. Well, guess what?
On the subject of Ellen, the national media said: "Not
funny" (TV Guide); "painfully unfunny" (Entertainment
Weekly); "unwatchable" (Rolling Stone); "as
unfunny as anything on TV" (USA Today); and "grating,
shrill, and most unforgivably, not funny." (L.A. Times)
Not surprisingly, the show's star, Ellen DeGeneres, claimed the
show was canceled because her character, Ellen Morgan, was "too
gay." (Oddly enough, lesbian activist Chastity Bono used
the exact same phrase, explaining that the show was becoming strident
and pushy and "wasn't funny any more.")
So does that mean I was a bigot or simply prematurely aware?
The one thing she couldn't refute is that the show (Two Guys,
A Girl, and a Pizza Place) which replaced Ellen on
a trial run doubled Ellen's Nielsen ratings. And believe
me, Pizza Place isn't going to earn a spot in the Sitcom
Hall of Fame.
She made a bold statement by coming out on TV. She then forgot
why she was on TV in the first place. The vast majority of TV
viewers are good, open-minded people who want to be entertained,
even just a little bit. After the Big Splash, most regular viewers
like myself shrugged and said, "Okay, cool, now make me laugh
again." But she didn't want to. She wanted to get a girlfriend
(the blandest white woman in the history of TV); she wanted to
make out on TV (yawn!); she wanted to spar with the network.
Hey, you can preach, you can teach, but you'd better be funny
as you do so or you're gone. Now go.
And if any of the seven other people in America who watched the
torturously long one-hour series finale can tell me they laughed
even once, they need to get back on their medication before The
Grand Master From The Planet Zellrod starts giving them instructions
again. That shit wasn't funny at all.
The series started okay, made an important contribution to television,
then went out like a chump. It won't be missed.
Other notes: Last year's Emmy winner Law
& Order just keeps getting better and better. This year
they mixed in two intricate subplots about Lenny's (Jerry Orbach)
drug-addicted daughter and the coming political storm in the race
for District Attorney between the bedraggled incumbent and a crooked
opportunistic judge. Unfortunately, I was all geared up for the
season finale and didn't get to see the whole thing. NBC decided
to rerun the final Seinfeld (I'll bet there was a stampede
to watch that snorefest again!) that night. Since it ran 75 minutes,
everything was pushed back 15 minutes. I programmed the VCR to
take Law & Order from 9-10, not wanting to have to
catch any Patty Weiss sightings). I got the first 45 minutes of
the L&O and am now left hanging for the entire summer...If
anybody saw the whole thing, please let me know what happened.
NBC put its best foot forward by placing Frasier in the
vacated Seinfeld slot. It's way too smart for some, but
it's great TV. NewsRadio will continue on the air, but
without Phil Hartman (and Khandi Alexander, who left earlier in
the year), it can't last much longer. Hartman was underappreciated
by critics, and really unappreciated by his psycho wife. The good-but-not-great
Brooklyn South got canceled, but the spectacularly good
The Practice was renewed...And then ABC gave it a graveyard
time slot at 9 p.m. Sunday against the second halves of movies
on NBC and CBS. The only hope is that people will tune in after
The X-Files on Fox, or tape it, like I do. Hey, if God
didn't love us so much, He wouldn't have invented the VCR.
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