The Jeffy Telethon Gets Underway...
By Jeff Smith
The telephone rang, it would not stop, it was President Kennedy
calling me up. He said, 'My friend Bob, what do we need to make
the country grow?' I said, 'My friend John, Brigitte Bardot...Anita
Ekberg...Sophia Loren.
--from "Talking World War III Blues," by Bob Dylan
WELL ANITA EKBERG is dead, Sophia Loren is 63 and still
gorgeous, and Brigitte Bardot has gone from wearing nothing but
a towel to nothing made of hide nor hair: It's time to rethink
Dylan's early '60s assessment of America's staffing requirements.
If you ask me, and I'm sure you would if this were an interactive
journal, what we need to make the country grow is Nena and the
kids. Nena and the kids are Erasmo's wife and children, Danny
and Diana.
Erasmo is my friend from Chihuahua, who got naturalized a year
or so back, and is doing the paper chase to get his family into
the big tent that our political leaders would have us believe
is our United States of America.
So far it hasn't been easy.
Personally, I find it kind of humbling to consider how hard some
people work, and how much suffering they are willing to endure,
simply to have the right to struggle for a few of the things the
rest of us take for granted. Not merely for granted, but virtually
despised. To hear the typical crowd of malcontents talking over
morning coffee in America's truckstops and cafes, we are the most
over-taxed, under-served, lied-to, cheated, spied-upon and oppressed
nation of wage-slaves on the planet.
But don't tell that to Erasmo Lagunas: He's too busy driving
nails and sawing boards under the summer sun, trying to feed his
family, pay his taxes and keep up the monthlies on his truck and
his home. And loving it.
It would do you all a world of good to know a family like los
Lagunas and their in-laws the Mingura clan, who began coming here
a couple decades ago as wetbacks, worked their way into reputations
as solid citizens, got their green cards, went to work on their
naturalized citizenship, and now want their nuclear families to
be able to stay here legally.
I helped Erasmo and his brothers-in-law get in on the amnesty
program back in the '80s, and they've made me part of their extended
family since. Our emotional and fiscal ties are many and mostly
informal. When Erasmo asked me if I would sponsor Nena and Danny
and Diana, I said sure.
When I perused the forms from the INS I realized we had a problem.
What it comes down to is this:
The Immigration Service and the Department of Health and Human
Services wants some assurance that aliens coming to the U.S. to
live with legally residing family, and eventually to acquire citizenship,
do not become wards of the state. Ordinarily the government would
simply turn to the family already legally residing here--i.e.
Erasmo--for the bona fides and the resources. Trouble is, Erasmo,
as a just-naturalized man from Chihuahua, working construction
in a rural economy, didn't make the 20 grand last year that the
INS requires.
Which is where I came in.
And you know what? Neither did I. My income flows through a corporation
I own. I get a little rent, a stipend from the feds and that's
it. My personal tax return portrays me in hues even paler than
my threadbare wardrobe. I'm a paper pauper. I tried to persuade
the notary and accountant handling the application for Erasmo
that my real estate, firearms, motorcycle and assortment of old
trucks should be sufficient collateral, but she said nope: The
feds want a tax return showing better than 20 grand in earned
income.
Which is where you come in.
Surely one of you out there in Barrio Volvo has enough gelt and
enough faith in your fellow man--yours truly and the estimable
Erasmo Lagunas--to sponsor Nena and the kids for three short years.
That's all the feds require: a three-year commitment to take Nena
and the kids in, should anything horrible happen to Erasmo.
In point of actual fact, if such were to befall the family, they've
got kin all over Patagonia who would keep them in frijoles and
under a roof.
If they didn't move in with me first, which would be fine by
el Jefe. Or they'd slide on down to Ciudad Guerrero where the
rest of the family still lives. I would even sign a separate agreement
with you, to take the real fiscal and domestic burden, if you
would just be so kind as to fill out the forms and sign the paper.
I'm serious. I would trust Erasmo and Nena with my life. There
are no better human beings on Planet Earth, and I intend to find
a way around this bureaucratic snag. Call me at 455-5667 if you
can help us out.
And while we're at it, I need to find a car for Miguel. (Miguel
is Erasmo's double cunado. Each is married to the other's sister.)
But back to the car business, Miguel is simply jinxed where motor
vehicles are concerned. His yard--actually my yard--is littered
with the hulks of cars and trucks Miguel bought and drove for
a little while and watched die beneath him. It's not that Miguel
is a bad man or even a bad mechanic: He just has bad karma. Car-ma.
Whatever.
So I figure that one of you nice, Swedish-car-driving liberals
probably has an old beater out behind the guesthouse gathering
cobwebs, and you could work out an arrangment with your tax guy,
and just give the damn thing to Miguel so he could get to work,
and take Emma to the clinic when her nerves act up, and pick up
Luis from school and stuff.
Help us out, will you? This way your dogma and your karma will
achieve harmony, instead of the latter running over the former.
Thanks, and have a nice day.
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