Slick Willy And Sheriff Joe: Behind All That Bluster Lies Cowardice.
By Jeff Smith
I'VE GOT HALF a yard, American, that says Joe Arpaio didn't
vote for Bill Clinton either time. I'm not willing to bet that
same $500 that Joe voted for Bob Dole or George Bush, despite
his impeccable Maricopa County Republican Party credentials; I
wouldn't be surprised if he didn't vote at all.
Most of you should be familiar with Arpaio as sheriff of the
greater Phoenix/lesser Buckeye part of our state--not that our
interest in statewide politics is that catholic, but Sheriff Joe
has forged himself into something of a national demi-celebrity.
Like Ev Mecham.
Media from the more delicately evolved regions of the country
go positively clammy over the sort of colorfully crooked, vaguely
medieval politicians Arizona customarily places in positions of
public trust--witness the national attention to the legal battles
of ex-governors Fife Symington and the aforementioned Mecham--and
Joe Arpaio seems created by central casting to play the role of
the tough, wild-west sheriff.
At least as perceived by someone who's never ventured west of
the Hudson unless it was by transcontinental airliner bound for
LAX.
Sheriff Joe has taken away his inmates' TV sets, their Playboy
magazines, their barely palatable rations. He's put them in pink
underwear and on chain-gangs, and made them sleep in tents in
the beastly heat of the Maricopa County summer. He is almost universally
regarded as one tough sonofabitch.
Bill Clinton probably never voted for Joe Arpaio either. History
does not record an instance in which Joe has appeared on any ballot
in Bill's precinct. Be that as it may, and notwithstanding differences
in political affiliation, President Willy and Sheriff Joe have
more in common than either of them or many of us suppose.
They're white males in America, political, ambitious, power-driven
and possessed of the self-delusion common to their type that persuades
them that the laws that they were elected to uphold do not apply
to them quite in the same rigorous fashion as to the rest of us.
But that's not the nub of the issue.
Oh, and both Clinton and Arpaio are dishonest. But that ain't
it either.
We all know what happened last week when Bill Clinton commandeered
the nation's television cameras and entered our homes to deliver
a lick-and-a-promise mea culpa for diddling with Monica
Lewinsky and lying about it until the law came up with his actual
pecker-tracks on the front of her dress. Using the same style
of tortured prose he always employs when he paints himself into
a corner, Clinton confessed to a "not appropriate" relationship
with Monica, and, by silence as well as speech, to have given
us a "misimpression." Judas Priest. Other issues aside,
the man's abuse of the direct declarative English sentence is
unpardonable.
Fewer of us may be aware that the week previous, up in Phoenix,
Sheriff Joe was ticketed for parking in a gimp spot outside an
office building and leaving his car there most of the afternoon.
I caught it all on Flagstaff TV, and the video clearly showed
the universal symbol for a stick figure in a wheelchair, painted
in yellow and blue about four feet square on the exact parking
bay where Arpaio's county car had sat. It further showed the usual
sign on a pole in front of the space, telling what your offense
was and your fine would be if you parked there without gimp plates
or permit.
So what does America's toughest lawman say to that?
First Arpaio said he didn't notice. Then, confronted with tape
of the obvious markings, Arpaio said that the sign on the post
in front of the parking spot should have been in the middle of
the spot, one for every dedicated handicap parking space, rather
than in between the handicap space he took, and another gimp spot
next to it. Technically, Arpaio said, unless there was a sign
for every space, the sign was null and void.
Is this the kind of stand-up candor we expect or deserve from
our favorite tough-guy sheriff, who delights the folks in the
cheap seats with soundbites about not running a country club at
the county jail?
Has Sheriff Joe ever forgiven a petty thief or nickel-and-dime
druggie on a technicality? Not for the record.
Then when it was pointed out that the four-by-four painted gimp
symbol on the pavement was pretty self-explanatory and impossible
to miss, Sheriff Joe said, actually, that he gets a lot of threats
(being the toughest law-dog in the West and all) so he needs to
park as close as he can to anyplace he goes on bidness, in case
he needs to get back to his gun and his radio in a hurry. Poor
baby. I was under the impression Joe Arpaio could whip a gang
of outlaws with his bare hands, or, under extreme circumstances...Don't
make me take my belt off and spank you boys.
And in any case they make holsters for guns, and radios and cell-phones,
and Joe could probably detail a meter-maid to ride along and protect
him from bullies.
Well, it was all a pretty sorry spectacle, and followed so closely
by President Clinton's words of whining and weaseling his way
around the plain truth, I concluded that the worst these two powerful
men have done to betray their public trust is to be mealy-mouthed
and gutless and less-than-honest even while the unblinking public
eye caught them with the smoking gun in their hot little hands.
But even that similarity, that commonality, is not the heart
of the matter. Want to know what it is?
They're cowards.
Ask a psychologist, or just cast your memory back to grade school
and those times when some scaredy-cat (you, your worst enemy,
your best friend) got busted en flagrante delicto and went
to babbling like a Philadelphia lawyer, giving 14 different versions
of what was clear to an army of eye-witnesses was not the whole-and-nothing-but-the...truth.
It's the classic behavior of the coward. And by this I mean coward
in the old schoolyard sense. We're not talking the philosophical
niceties of moral courage and integrity, the intellectual bravery
to take an unpopular public stand and stick to it, I mean the
guts it takes to take a punch in the nose, a kick in the nuts,
to 'fess up when you're wrong and especially when you get caught...
...and to take your whuppin'.
Now nobody, not even Ken Starr, has suggested that Bill Clinton
get swats for sticking his cutie in Ms. Lewinsky. Neither is Joe
Arpaio faced with corporal punishment for this parking beef. But
to both men, the prospect of punishment for their misdeeds brings
that old coppery taste of fright to the backs of their throats,
that atavistic fear of violence and hurt. In Arpaio's case the
manifestations are classic: the bully-boy behavior, with an army
of armed and badged deputies between him and harm, the tough talk.
Sheriff Joe is chicken-shit. That's why he can't cop to the simple
truth.
And President Bill? Big ol', six-plus, potato-face Wm. Jefferson?
Not that it defines courage, but I expect if he'd been on the
high-school football team, we'd have heard about it in 1992.
I bet that like marijuana, the first time or two Bill Clinton
got a hit of adrenaline, he didn't like it and didn't inhale.
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