The Republicans' Big Statement. By Emil Franzi CALL IT THE Contract With Pima County. The Pima County Republican Party recently adopted a "Mission Statement." The Pima County GOP Executive Committee was actually sucked into rolling over for a combination of vague platitudes and some self-help/New Age mumbo-jumbo bad enough to gag not only a Democrat, but any Republican who might believe in something. Anything. It starts: "The Mission of the Pima County Republican Party is to promote dialog, cooperation and organization among all Republicans and to identify, nurture, and elect Republicans in Pima County who will advance the party's vision of a 'World Class Community.' " And here's how they define World Class Community: 1. CRIME. "A community where the streets are safe and doors do not have to be locked." Gee, this not only dodges U.S. Sen. Jon Kyl's Victim Rights Amendment, but everything else. 2. WATER. "A community where the water is economical and of the highest quality." How about something here about water policy? Even Tucson Water hasn't endorsed "expensive" and "scuzzy"--well, at least not formally. 3. TRANSPORTATION. "A community where multiple transportation systems are available and travel's easy." Well, who wants traveling to be hard? What systems are we talking about? What's the cost--and who's going to pay for it? 4. CULTURAL APPRECIATION. "A community where all cultures are appreciated and valued." This is a cheap and transparent attempt to sound empathetic. How about gang culture? Prison culture? 5. JOBS. "A community where everybody is able to find employment matching their ability and aspirations." Hmmm--that almost sounds like what that Marx clown said: "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." Does that mean no more cheap Telemarketing jobs? 6. ENVIRONMENT. "A community where the natural environment is respected and enhanced." The only way to do that is to quit raping the desert to build all those tract homes--think that's what they really meant by this? 7. ECONOMY. "A community where business thrives and everyone benefits." Yeah, and Snow White is a lovely fairy tale, too. 8. EDUCATION. "A community where excellence in education is accepted as a life-long goal." Always nice to see a strong position on this issue, which ignores funding mechanisms and important issues like bilingual education--pro or con. 9. ARTS AND HUMANITIES. "A community where the arts and humanities are a treasured part of the fabric of everyday life." Conservatives and libertarians will be happy to know that government has a role in establishing "fabrics" of everyday life in this area--and without defining them. Three Stooges on Nick? Rush in the morning? Porn channels at night on cable? Get real. 10. SOCIAL SERVICE. "A community where everyone contributes to the advancement of the human condition and no one is denied the opportunity to achieve their potential." That is so vague as to be pure bullshit--something these guys have little trouble spreading around. Local political parties used to have platforms, like the one the national GOP will be fighting over in San Diego in August. They'll be hashing out issues--abortion and gay rights and all that relevant stuff the local GOP bozos have obviously chosen to avoid at all costs. The GOP "Mission Statement" is an insult to the intelligence of any voter, but Republicans--at least those who stand for something--should be most incensed. This crap is so watery and vague as to be obviously--and perhaps intentionally--meaningless. It's difficult to believe that even the people who wrote it can consider it in any way cogent. It proves the "dumbing down of America" extends well within the Pima County GOP.

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