What To Do When The Aliens Arrive. By Jim Nintzel SINCE EARLY JULY, millions of Americans have thrilled to the diggitty-dank spectacle of alien ships blowing the world's major cities into very, very, very tiny smithereens. Of course, that's only make-believe...isn't it? If the aliens really were to turn up tomorrow, who would you call? Don't bother phoning the Pentagon--the military has a simple policy regarding UFOs: "Persons wishing to report UFO sightings should be advised to contact local law enforcement agencies." So if a saucer crashes near your ranch, the folks at Davis-Monthan will just tell you to call 911. And, luckily, it turns out fire departments around the country do have a blueprint for extraterrestrial contact. In their book Fire Officer's Guide To Disaster Control, authors William M. Kramer and Charles W. Bahme outline approaches to various disasters, including hazwaste spills, enemy atack and, yes, alien invasion. In a chapter entitled "Enemy Attack and UFO Potential," Kramer and Bahme spend 14 pages analyzing the dangers of Close Encounters. And to hear these guys talk, there are dangers: "Rumors that people were being abducted, dematerialized, burned, made radioactive, rounded up and impounded, liquidated with ray guns and lasers or shipped off to Mars or Venus might well give rise to fear--fear of the unknown. Hysteria could cause frightened persons to imagine that their water was poisoned, the air contaminated with undetectable but lethal aerosols or nerve gases. With hundreds of UFO squadrons zooming across the landscape from California to New York, Toronto to Mexico City, communications disrupted, widespread power failures, airports and railroads paralyzed, highways turned into giant parking lots of immobilized vehicles full of terrified motorists, the problem of restoring order and sanity would be a tremendous challenge to all of the emergency services, assuming their personnel would remain calm, detached, and able to resist the human impulse to put the safety and well being of their own families ahead of the public's." Whew--do we ever have an idea for the season finale of L.A. Firefighters! And all you Viper sympathizers and Jeff Smith fans should take note of this: "To make matters worse, some of the more excitable gun owners might be tempted to rush out Rambo fashion, and in utter disregard of the damage that falling bullets might cause innocent residents below their fallout, start firing at the evasive objects regardless of the range." The chapter quickly covers the history and various shapes of UFOs and warns that the crafts may have the power to project force fields and cause massive power failures. They also may be radioactive or at least very hot. The authors have a basic safety tip: Use extreme caution when near a flying saucer. "Besides the possible physical effects of approaching a UFO, e.g., burns, radiation, etc., there may be psychological effects produced by force fields that could induce a hypnotic state in the viewer, loss of consciousness, memory relapse and submission to the occupants." A close reading of the chapter suggests the real UFO expert on the writing team is Bahme, who "has made a considerable study of this subject and who is acquiring many publications and VCR tapes to augment his library on this and related phenomena." Seems back in '42, Bahme was roller-skating to the fire station when he was struck by "the spectacular aerial 'fireworks' that filled the heavens all around him." He'd found himself smack dab in the middle of "what has become known as 'The Los Angeles Air Raid of 1942.' " His interest continued to grow through the years, particularly when Congress passed a law in 1969 "which gave the NASA Administrator the arbitrary discretion to quarantine under armed guard any object, person, or other form of life which has been extraterrestrially exposed....(it) made Chuck wonder if they had only our astronauts in mind when they adopted it. Could it be applied to anyone who has had a UFO encounter?" The authors don't debate such sinister thoughts; they turn instead to a few basic warnings--be prepared for black-outs, be aware of possible radiation risks and be extra-careful during take-off and landing. ("...in trying to account for the death of 15 ponies, the leader of an investigative team believed they were crushed by the anti-gravity field of a flying saucer.") They conclude with a simple plea: "Some fire chiefs have little confidence in disaster plans, especially those dealing with UFOs or enemy attack....With a good plan, good leadership, and adequate resources, you may save many lives in any disaster, including attacks from possible enemies." So has the Tucson Fire Department put together a plan? Are local emergency officials even familiar with the book? "UFOs, huh?" asks a skeptical Randy Ogden, TFD spokesman. "I'll have to call the academy and get back to you on that." That was the last we heard from him--which only makes us wonder: What are you trying to hide, Mr. Ogden? How high up does this conspiracy of silence go? Alas, even if he had called us back, we don't think we would have believed him. We're wise to the government's disinformation campaign. It's the first rule in this biz: Trust no one.

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