There's A Better Way To Get From Here To There.
By Jeff Smith
DOWN THROUGH THE Ages--Ice, Stone, Post-Modernist, Feminist--none
has suited me quite so much as the Petrochemical Age. Sunoco 260
ethyl with lead in it, 110 honest octane, for 30 cents a gallon.
We had gone to Heaven and we weren't even dead yet.
When I hit 16, the '59 Cadillac was still shiny, undented and
had not yet passed from the hands of the golfers and country clubbers
to the rednecks and white trash, as American status symbols inevitably
do. The '55 Chevy was just getting affordable for a guy who dropped
out of high school and got a paying job in a garage...and I was
stuck with an Opel.
There's supposed to be an umlaut over the O, but I don't know
how to make one on my computer.
This Opel was a little German shitbox economy car my dad bought
from the local Buick dealer, and then dealt to me for $250 when
the upholstery wore out. What I really wanted was a Jaguar, like
my brother had. He was nine years older, had a newspaper job,
and bought the Jag for $900. He was so blank on mechanical matters
he thought you had to have credentials from Coventry in order
to change the oil. The car was wasted on him.
By the late '60s I had a newspaper job, but no Jaguar. I had
a wife and a Valiant station wagon, but I did con my way into
a column in the Sunday Star. It was called "The World
of Wheels" and it gave me license to drop by any car or motorcycle
dealership in town and borrow the hottest things they had for
the weekend. I'd take it off the showroom floor, all shiny and
new-car-smelling, and bring it back 48 hours and 500 miles later
with the tires worn out and the undercoating melting onto the
ground in a smoking, stinking oil slick. It was wonderful.
In 1968 you could buy a Plymouth Roadrunner for $2,500 that made
400 horsepower, went 140 miles an hour, and had springs, shocks
and anti-sway bars just like Richard Petty's NASCAR stocker. I
remember tossing one of those boogers sideways downhill on River
Road just west of Swan, and seeing a whole Oldsmobile full of
foothillers coming at me through the passenger side window, ruining
enough underwear to cost me a week's pay.
One time the sales manager from Bill Breck Dodge asked to ride
along with me while I wrung out one of his Hemi-Challengers. He
never asked again.
I was so much in love with gasoline and adrenaline that I even
proposed to my wife in the front seat of my truck. It was a '47
Jeep panel truck with a 350-inch Plymouth Golden Commando V-8,
a Torque-Flyte tranny with push-buttons, and a 5.11 rear end.
It would do wheelies. I built it myself in the back lot of my
dad's farm machinery shop, and proposed to Barb in it so she'd
feel sentimentally attached to it. Over the next year's engagement
I moved my entire household and all my possessions in that truck...seven
times. It held everything I owned in this world. I named it Buck
Mulligan, after the first character in James Joyce's Ullysses.
I don't know what I'm going to name my current project vehicle.
It's bigger than Buck Mulligan and it won't do wheelies, nor will
it hold everything I own. The years have a way of bringing me
stuff I just can't bring myself to part with. Besides which I
have a barn now, and a barn will find a way of filling itself
with very little help from me.
But what my new hotrod has that none before it could either claim
or accommodate is a hot-tub. This is so cool. I made it out of
a galvanized cattle tank and it sits under the front seat, which
I fabricated out of aluminum channel and sheet. It's heated by
a transmission cooler that draws 212-degree water from the engine
radiator. It sits down in the hot-tub water, behind a backrest
I built, and acts as a heat-exhanger to bring to tub up to 104
degrees. I monitor the tub temp via an indoor-outdoor remote bulb
thermometer on the dashboard, and regulate the heat with an in-line
shut-off valve. Genius.
When I get to the day's destination, I flip down the seat back,
slide back onto the bed thus formed, fold the seat base forward
to reveal the hot-tub beneath...and soak away the road-wearies.
All of this is taking place inside an old Rainbo Bread van I
traded off a guy in Patagonia for an old cement mixer with a busted
motor I had sitting around. The van has an aluminum body made
by Grumman Aircraft, a Ford six and automatic tranny. I've outfitted
it with a fridge, a TV-VCR, sink, full-size toilet and sun-shower,
my bullet-casting and reloading equipment and roof-mounted photo-voltaic
collector to power the whole schmigega, and I'm bound for Montana
for the summer to shoot steel silhouettes of buffalo at 1,000
yards.
Mona, my white bitch, is going along with me to take notes and
remind me to e-mail columns back to The Weekly in a timely
manner. Did I mention the satellite dish and cell-phone? A man
of letters must maintain a pinky on the pulse of the world of
action.
My Boy Caleb, who happens to be living in the Steinbeck Age just
now, envisions this adventure as something along the lines of
Travels With Charley.
I tend to think of it as an experiment in self-containedness.
I'll keep you posted.
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