The Sports Guy Goes Nuts On Viagra!
By Tom Danehy
I'VE BEEN WITH The Weekly for a looong time, although
I'm sure that to some readers, it seems even longer than that.
Over the years I've seen many talented people come and go. Matt
Groening and Barbara Kingsolver moved on to fame and fortune,
but, to balance things out, I'm still here.
Some of you might say that's the Peter Principle at work, to
which I would respond, "Hey, I read The Peter Principle!
That's not a compliment, is it?"
I care deeply about The Weekly and its contents, even
the arts and ballet crap. That's why I was really concerned when
a friend pointed out that our fine publication is now running
a sex column. I grabbed a copy of the paper, found the column,
and read the Q&A. I read the dirty parts two or three times
just to make sure I understood them. Then I washed my hands.
Jeez, I thought, why do they need this? Can't people get enough
smut from reading Jeff Smith's column?
I realize that The Weekly isn't always a "family"
publication, but it does concern me that kids can pick the paper
up out of the boxes anytime they want. So I went to see the editor
to ask him why they were running it.
Going in, I knew there wasn't a whole lot of hope of convincing
him of anything. You have to figure that the odds are slim when
dealing with a guy whose 19 aliases all involve at least one slang
term for a phallic symbol.
He explained his rationale, then kicked me out of his office.
I yelled through the door, "Well, if you're going to run
it, at least let me write it. I have two kids, so I've had sex
at least twice! Plus, I've read all those advice columns in men's
magazines."
On that last part, I was fudging. My dad was like the only man
in the 1960s who didn't read Playboy. Instead, he got Argosy,
which was about war and guns and eating lots of meat. The only
Playboy I ever saw was in the top right-hand drawer of
the seventh-grade Print Shop teacher's desk. But it had ink smudges
all over it, mostly of his left thumbprint.
But how hard could this advice thing be? All you have to do is
resist the urge to scream, "You're a sick, demented little
lizard!" and then dispense your wisdom.
So, I snuck into the files and got some of the questions for
the coming weeks, if you'll pardon the expression. Since the editor
is off in Barbados or Casa Grande this week, I figured I'd slip
it into the paper and then watch his expression of pleasant surprise
when he gets back. Here we go:
Dear Sex Answer Guy:
Last summer I worked as a shepherd in a remote area. After
a couple weeks I asked the veteran shepherds what they did to
satisfy their urges. They told me they used the sheep. At first
I resisted, but after a couple months my proclivities got the
better of me. After a few minutes, the other shepherds surrounded
us, howling with laughter. I asked, "Why are you laughing?
You said you used the sheep!"
"Yeah," they replied, "but you got an ugly
one!"
My question to you, Sex Answer Guy, is how can I tell which
ones are the ugly ones?
A: Sweaters should be folded, not hung on hangers.
Dear Sex Answer Guy:
My 12-year-old son and his buddies all have the warm trembling
thighs for those female characters on the Japanese animation series
"Sailor Moon." Is this strange?
A: Strange. Bizarre. Unhealthy. Weird. We're having
a sale on adjectives today. Worst of all is that your son might
grow up thinking that there are actually women out there with
eyes that big. (Cher's plastic fantastic manufactured eye sockets
are that big, but her normal-sized eyes are sunken so far down
in there it's like you're looking through the open top of a glass
jar with the last black olive just rolling around on the bottom.)
Besides, it's creepy for your son to be attracted to a cartoon
character. Such behavior dates back to Betty Boop, continued through
Olive Oyl, and now is focused on the Japanese imports. It should
be discouraged in all cases, except of course for Jessica Rabbit,
who can't help it because she was drawn that way.
Jessica is the one and only exception. Oh sure, she wore skin-tight
dresses that, in fact, were literally painted on. And there
was that one small matter of her being married to a rabbit. But
didn't you think it was amazing how she sounded just like Kathleen
Turner?
Dear Sex Answer Guy:
Is it possible for someone to get chlamydia from eating too
much peanut butter? That's how my girlfriend says she got it.
A: Stereo component systems should be closely matched.
If the speaker capacity exceeds the transmitter output (or vice
versa), you've overspent for nothing.
Dear Sex Answer Guy:
What's a frustum? And is it as dirty as the word sounds?
A: If you slice a pyramid or cone with a plane
parallel to the base, the section between the base and the plane
is a frustum, while the portion above the plane remains a (smaller)
pyramid or cone. And just about any word in the English language
can sound dirty if you say it right, especially if you giggle
like Beavis afterwards. And I've got a feeling you have that part
mastered.
Dear Sex Answer Guy:
What's all the fuss about "sideburn sex?" It's my
understanding that guys with sideburns almost never have sex.
But that's all I hear on the TV and radio these days is "sideburn
sex." Also, what does sideburn sex have to do with computers?
It seems like every time I hear somebody talking about sideburn
sex, they mention computers in the same sentence.
A: Wow! GTO, Corvette or T-Bird? Tough choice. I guess
it's like brunette, blonde or redhead. It all boils down to a
matter of personal choice. And there's no wrong answer.
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