A Completely Arbitrary List Of Movies Guys Can Argue Over.
By Tom Danehy
I RECEIVED IN the mail the other day a copy of a free magazine.
This, of course, made me very happy, not just because it was free,
but because I love magazines.
This magazine had a semi-clad young woman on the cover, no doubt
to boost newsstand sales. I noticed she had brown eyes (which
are always the best color), but thank God, before I saw enough
of her to formulate an opinion on her appearance, my eyes caught
the words announcing that the cover girl was Alyssa Milano.
Those of you who watch Melrose Place might think she's
some hot babe, but I remember her from Who's The Boss,
so it would have been real creepy to have thought the former child
star was even the slightest bit attractive. I would've had to
rent space in the confessional. She's frozen in time, the cute
little kid who would say things like, "Hey Dad, I hate Connecticut.
They don't have a pool hall in the entire neighborhood."
And yes, I used to watch Who's The Boss. There was great
chemistry between Judith Light and Tony Danza. Plus, who but Danza
could say those immortal words, "Ay oh! Oh ay!"?
This particular magazine is called Maxim. Kind of a dumb
title, but I plunged ahead. Across the top of the cover, they
announce that the magazine is about "Sex*Sports*Beer*Gadgets*
Clothes*Fitness." Hmm, I like sports and I wear clothes,
sorta. But I don't drink, I hate gadgets and I don't wanna read
about sex and/or fitness. It also says they have a how-to section,
including how to scam a free gym workout and how to beat a lie
detector. Yeah, those are two things I really want to know how
to do.
I was about to toss it, when I noticed one other thing on the
cover. The guys who run this magazine for guys had compiled a
list of the "100 Greatest Guy Movies Ever." Well, why
didn't you say so in the first place? Now that's something
worth reading: a completely arbitrary list of movies that guys
can argue over.
They were even slick enough to leave the definition thereof quite
nebulous. All it says is: "Guy movies are hard to define,
but you know 'em when you see 'em. They're packed with sophomoric
humor, cartoon violence, mean-spirited putdowns and gratuitous
nudity...and that's just during the opening credits."
Though they didn't say so, it also helps if there's a really
cool trademark line that some character utters at a key point
in the movie, and it's extra cool if there was some violent scene
that caused a visceral reaction the first 37 times you saw it.
This almost always involves getting kicked, punched, shot, stabbed,
stomped or (gulp!) bitten in the groin area.
I read through their list, smiled a few times, nodded a lot,
but then got angry at the two movies which served as the bookends
for the list. At No. 100 is Sirens. This was probably the
choice of the office gofer who got refreshments for everybody
for a month in exchange for being able to add one movie to the
list.
I can see this guy now. Looks like Wallace Shawn and still lives
with Mom. Rented Sirens four times, and the only way he
was able to get it past Mom and up to his room was to tell her
it was about the Fire Department.
For those who aren't familiar with Sirens, it was an artsy
film starring Hugh Grant and a briefly-nude (but, alas, still
talking) Elle MacPherson. That ain't a guy movie. That's 10 seconds
of Porno Lite and two hours of fingernails on a chalkboard.
My definition of a guy movie pretty much agrees with theirs,
but it would also have the added feature of being able to make
most women run from the room. I really like women and I like being
around them. But guys, if women's brains are functioning properly,
they're not going to want to spend 10 seconds watching a movie
they've seen even once before, a movie you've seen 8,000 times,
or just about anything that's going to make you laugh out loud.
Call it the Three Stooges Factor.
Now, if a woman tells you that she loves Guy Movies, be wary.
First ask her if she used to swim for the East German team. Remember,
women don't like Guy Movies. At the very most, they tolerate them.
Most react like my beloved wife, Ana. If I'm flipping through
the channels and the remote locks on a late-night showing of The
Longest Yard, she manages to defy the laws of physics by somehow
making it to the other room before the image of Burt Reynolds
in a Mean Machine football uniform can burn into her retinas.
The other day, just such an image was on the screen. She teleported
to the dining room and I said, "No Ana, come back! That's
not The Longest Yard. It's Semi-Tough." Like
I really thought that would make a difference.
Their Nos. 2-15 were well-chosen. Not a bum in the lot. They
include: 2. The Good, The Bad And The Ugly; 3. Animal
House; 4. Terminator/T2; 5. Die Hard; 6. Stripes;
7. Caddyshack; 8. Goodfellas; 9. Dirty Harry;
10. The Godfather, Pts. I and II; 11. Pulp Fiction;
12. The Blues Brothers; 13. The Longest Yard; 14.
Rocky; and 15. Diner.
Loved every one them. But then they go and spoil it by naming
as their No. 1 Guy Movie of all time Slap Shot. Puh-leez!
Hey, I enjoy looking at those three Kurt Rambis lookalikes with
the bad glasses, and Paul Newman is always a treat, but a movie
about hockey? Most guys don't even like hockey.
Most guys figure if you're going to play a game, play by the
rules and see who's best. They don't want to see who can cheat
the most or fight the dirtiest. That's sissy stuff, not worthy
of Guy Movie status.
Perhaps even more amazing is that the obvious No. 1 choice, Blazing
Saddles, is all the way down at No. 44. What were they thinking?
This movie had it all: racism, sexism, flatulence, and Gene Wilder
as The Waco Kid.
You show me a guy who doesn't like that and I'll show you a woman
who never swam for East Germany.
|