The Latest On Those Turgid Members At The State Legislature. By Sidney Philips and Jim Nintzel YOU REALLY CAN'T blame state lawmakers for not coming up with a meaningful solution to that school finance problem--they've been real busy. With the 100-day session about half-over, legislators have filed a total of 996 bills, 30 constitutional amendments, five referendums and 22 resolutions and memorials--all serious business, of course. For a feel of what we're talking about, take a look at House Bill 2181, relating to "abatement of bawdy houses and obscenity." Introduced by Phoenix Republican Marilyn Jarrett, the bill puts the squeeze on topless bars, porn houses and massage parlors. Get a load of this lurid definition: "'Massage establishment' means an establishment in which a person, firm, association or corporation engages in or permits massage activities, including any method of pressure on, friction against, stroking, kneading, rubbing, tapping, pounding, vibrating or stimulating of external soft parts of the body with the hands or with the aid or any mechanical apparatus or electrical apparatus or appliance." (The legislation has an exclusion for facilities for athletes, although we're not sure if it was actually written with Mike Tyson in mind.) Another highlight of the bill is the exclusion of displaying "male genitals in a discernibly (sic) turgid state," whatever that is. Those folks running the Legislature's spiffy new Web site had better be careful--putting this bill on the Internet is probably forbidden under the new federal telecommunications law. An unrelated bill is SB 1217, "implements of husbandry." It has nothing to do with sex; we just like the title. Central Phoenix Rep. Bob Updike has brought a bill through committee which prohibits parking meters within 100 feet of any government building, so that you can have free access to bureaucrats at the state, city and county level. Expect a high-decibel whine from meter-maid-minded local governments. A few gun-control measures are loose, but firearm enthusiasts need not worry--they probably won't become law. Senate Bill 1270 says you'll lose your concealed weapon permit if you shoot while you're drunk. Under HB 2562, if the cops were to take your violent spouse's gun, they would have to notify you before they give it back...so you can buy a bigger one for yourself. Here's one you know the developers just gotta love: SB 1277, under which rezoning takes effect immediately unless someone has a beef with it. Sen. Sandra Kennedy (D-Phoenix) has sponsored SB 1338, which puts an holistic dentist on the dental board (if there is such a thing), while Sen. Jim Buster (R-Yuma) has introduced SB 1343, which allows county supervisors to use abstracts of minutes rather than the real thing (which, particularly in Pima County, makes them look stupid). Then there's Rep. Jeff Groscost, poster boy for knotheaded legislation. This year, the East Mesa Republican has signed onto 114 bills, including: • HB 2347, which deals with those damned elk that God put all over the place. Groscost's bill gives the state highway department close to a million dollars to cut trees in right-of-ways. This isn't a bad idea, but Groscost recently justified the idea by suggesting that "over 50 percent of highway accidents are caused by elk." Where does he get this stuff? We wouldn't be surprised if he added the fact that drinking was involved, too, and somehow blamed that on wildlife. • HCM 2027, which raises the governor's salary to $100,000 if voters approve it next November. Perhaps Groscost is eyeing a run at the gov's office. He's already got some of Fife's more charming attributes--a record of cheating on his taxes and complete disdain for campaign finance law. • HCR 2029, which would increase lawmakers' terms from two to four years. Actually, Groscost isn't the only one pushing this miserable idea--a similar bill was sponsored by 29 other lawmakers. Both these plans shortchange your ability to kick these bums out. Frankly, we wish elections could be more frequent--we'd like to vote for these guys once a week. That might ensure something got done at the Capitol. Then there's HB 2508, a decent little bill sponsored by a bipartisan collection of 17 lawmakers, which would allow Arizona citizens who can't get health insurance to buy into AHCCCS, the state health program for the indigent. The logic: Give people some preventative care now and it might save taxpayer money down the road. Lake Havasu Rep. Don Aldridge, who picked up a new cornea and kidney thanks to his health insurance as legislator (and thus at taxpayer expense), groused at length about how expensive it might be to actually allow people to buy their own way into AHCCCS before they get really sick. Such warm-hearted charity overflows at the Capitol. Earlier this month, an emergency plea to the Governor's Office for $47,000 to keep the Nogales food bank open was answered with an emphatic "no" from our bankrupt governor, who was off skiing in Colorado.

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