UNIT DISCOUNT: The Pima County Board of Supervisors did not apply impact fees to new apartment construction, a fact which was buried deep in the daily newspaper stories on the subject. Of course, the significance of the supes' massive rollover for the development lobby was missed in all the follow-up stories by Tucson's rip-and-read electronic stooges. Nothing is more indicative of who owns the supes' current GOP majority than the exemption of apartments from impact fees. Apartments have four or five times the density of tract homes and 24 times that of a single new home on a one-acre lot. Apartments put four to 20 times more cars on the roads and kids in the schools than single-family units, trailers or homes. So how exactly did those guys throwing up apartments get to slide? Hey, lazy-ass TV types, why not ask the three phony bozos on the Board of Supes who want you to think they're doing something about impact fees--Mikey "Flaky Waffleman" Boyd, "Special Ed" Moore and Paul "Dim Bulb" Marsh? The number of the Board of Supes is 740-8126. Ask any one of them. MEANWHILE, IN THE SEWER: While the supes are discussing the need for "fair and equitable" impact fees, maybe they should look over some of the fees they already charge. The Skinny is told that in at least a couple of areas big developers are getting away with below-cost services, and those who pay other fees to certain departments of county government are subsidizing them. First, sewer hook-ups. The current fee is about $200, while the actual cost is closer to $800. That means existing residents who are paying user fees are covering the cost of new hook-ups. And the county's Planning and Development departments both provide services for all those developers who constantly run in for changes to existing plans. The county charges about 20 percent of the actual costs to monitor those changes. Which means the guy who just wants permission to put up a storage shed pays more to cover the big guys. DIAMOND ON THE DIAMOND: Guess who're now partners with sports welfare queen Jerry Colangelo in the Diamondbacks? Legendary land speculator Don Diamond and his equally legendary sidekick, attorney Don Pitt. So maybe they should put that taxpayer-subsidized stadium they want so badly out by Diamond's massive Rocking K development on the far southeast side. And while Colangelo, Diamond and the Colorado Rockies guys play intimidation games on the local peasants with the headline approval of unlegendary Don Hatfield's Tucson Citizen, there are a few questions some of our more rational council members are asking over the din of cheerleading coming in from the piggies who plan to make a fast taxpayer buck on the stadium deal. (Ever notice how much our local business leaders resemble a guy in Nogales with 12 watches on his arm?) Those questions are: Will the deal pay out annually? Will it pay out long term? And how much of a hit will it be on the already troubled Tucson Convention Center? Or will taxpayers have to subsidize that, too, if the proposed stadium starts sucking up big bucks for rock concerts? Also, will local taxpayers get more than 2 percent of the $4 lemonades and $3.50 hot dogs Jerry and legendary Dons will be selling there? Inquiring minds want to know. CHARTER CHATTER: Bad news for all those good folks involved in promoting a new charter for Pima County government. We will elect 15 people, three for each supervisorial district, in November to write a new form of government for this valley. Currently, Maricopa County is doing the same thing, and guess what--the same wonderful development types and other "business community" types have a similar agenda. That agenda is to eliminate all the elected line officers like treasurer, recorder, assessor and school superintendent and replace them with appointees. The other part of their game plan is to expand the Board of Supes by adding four at-large supervisors. If you think we've got builder stooges now, wait until we make them run in expensive, county-wide races. Smells like another stinking power grab to us. Stay tuned BENCH PRESS: And speaking of power grabs, the Arizona Supreme Court and State Bar Association lawyers are running another one. Before the Legislature right now is a constitutional amendment to eliminate justices of the peace and constables as elected officials. The proposal is to replace them with appointees to be selected by the Supreme Court. This would make Arizona the only state where lower court judges are picked by higher court judges. Naturally, unlike now, the lower court judges would all have to be attorneys. And the current JP's have signed off on the scam because they're not only grandfathered in, but they'll also get a pay raise to $86,000 a year. Which means they're being bribed with your money to supply more pork for the in-group lawyers. Neat, huh? Apparently all factions of the Arizona establishment share a common trait--they're scared to death of the voters, and their solution to problems with democracy is to stomp on it good and hard. POLICE BEAT: Cops on the street are whispering Tucson's recently hired and supposedly top-of-the line Police Chief Doug Smith is already looking for a job elsewhere. Gee, it's hard to believe good, upstanding Chief Smith would rat out on us like that. But then, we mammals are a feckless bunch. And how does Mrs. Smith feel about this sudden turn of events, the cops are wondering? TALK AIN'T CHEAP: Some believe City Councilmember Steve Leal's car phone is permanently attached to his ear. A look at his office's spending habits for telephone usage tends to confirm that. In the last six months of 1995, Leal had more than $2,800 in telephone expenses. That is almost $500 a month, just for long-distance and cellular telephone calls. This was more than double what many of the other City Council offices spent for their telephone service, and it doesn't include more than $500 in "outstanding encumbrances." A few years ago Leal's telephone habits were highlighted by the local media. Doesn't look like he changed his ways. Instead, he continues to let his fingers to the walking, and talking. THE DEBT CEILING CLIMBS: Whoops! Looks like our Gov. J. Fife Deadbeat III has a few more debts we didn't know about--about $1 million he owes to the feds and about a half-mil he owes to the same state that writes his paycheck. Of course, he's "negotiating" a payment to both Uncle Sam and the state treasury. Hell, no one would ever expect him to pay what he owes. And of course there's no conflict of interest in the fact that he's the boss of the man he's "negotiating" with on the state level. Jesus! Will it ever end? No wonder nearly half the voters in the state think he should resign immediately. STEPPING IN GUANO: The Glendale Granny is at it again--Republican Rep. Jean McGrath, who pushed the ridiculous Freon bill through the Legislature last year, has a new cause: ensuring that foreign words don't appear in legislation. During a recent hearing on an innocuous bill which would require mining companies to leave an opening available for bats if they are closing down their operations, McGrath objected to the use of the word "guano" in the proposed law. Since Arizona is an "English-only" state, said McGrath, and guano is a Spanish word, the proper words to use would be "bat feces" or "bat droppings." Or perhaps we could just go with "shit"--as in "shit-for-brains." White House FOR SALE: So Steve Forbes is upset that taxpayer money is going to those Washington politicians so they can run for the presidency? Guess he reckons only rich guys like himself ought to hold the office. What Stevie doesn't tell you in those relentless TV spots is that candidates who accept public matching funds agree to limit their campaign spending to somewhere in the neighborhood of $10 million per primary state--which means they can't afford to have their face on the tube all day long. But $10 million is chump change to Forbes, who has already spent plenty more than that getting his nerdy little face on our TV screens, telling us again and again in his squeaky little voice how the flat tax is going to solve all our country's problems. And we're such rubes here in Arizona that we're buying it, with polls showing Forbes running neck-in-neck with GOP front-runner Bob Dole. Admittedly, the GOP pack is charismatically challenged, but is the field so pathetic that people are forced to turn to a one-line newcomer? And what a line: This country sure would be a better place if only everyone had more money. So much for asking what you can do for your country. With the exception of a short stint as the part-time chairman of a committee running Radio Free Europe (a stint marred by accusations of pork-barrel spending), Forbes has never held public office. He has no record of community involvement or philanthropic activity. He's done nothing with his fortune except run a magazine he inherited. And he's out raising millions of dollars from his rich pals so he can ensure that none of them ever has to pay taxes again. This is the man we in Arizona are telling the country we want as president--because, hey, he's on TV, so he must be presidential timber! We take it all back: It's great we're blowing $3 million in taxpayer bucks to give Arizona a voice in presidential politics. We're obviously giving the whole thing a lot of thought.

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