PRIMARY SCHOOL: The deadline has passed for registering to run in Arizona's ridiculous, multi-million-dollar February 27 presidential preference "primary," and 20 Republicans are on the ballot. Besides the usual suspects--Dole, Gramm, Buchanan, Forbes, et al.--you can also find a bulging stable of dark horses, including Doug Fricke of St. Petersburg, Florida, Charles Holden of Phoenix, Paul Jensen of Ann Arbor, Michigan, Mike Levinson of Buffalo, New York, Hubert Patty of Maryville, Tennessee, Joann V. Pharr of Scottsdale and Clyde Staggs of Tempe. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe.... There's still time for you to register as a Republican and vote in this sham--the deadline is January 29. Come on, let's show the nation Arizona wants Clyde Staggs in the White House! If you're a Libertarian, you've got two choices: Harry Browne and Irwin A. Schiff. As it turns out, half the state's Libertarian Party wants to be in the primary and the other half doesn't--which just adds to the confusion over this silly beauty contest. The Dems have a whole different problem. National Democratic Party rules prohibit state parties from having a primary before March, but when GOP state lawmakers created the early primary last year, they wrote a law giving the winner of the February election all the state party's delegates at the national convention. So the Dems are in the unusual position of having delegates who are going to be bound by law to the Democrat who wins the February election--and President Bill Clinton ain't on the ballot. Who is? Well, there's perennial candidate Carolyn Killeen, the former nun who bicycles across the country campaigning for hemp legalization. She's run for governor here a few times and took a shot at the White House in the New Hampshire primary in 1992. She's joined by longtime wacko Lyndon LaRouche, who has finally gotten out of prison, and four other political newcomers: Heather Harder of Crown Point, Indiana, Elvena E. Lloyd-Duffie of Westchester, Illinois, Ray "Buttercup" Rollinson of Mexico Beach, Florida, and Mrs. Frank Ross Stewart of Piedmont, Alabama. So not all Democrats have blown off the primary. Just the normal ones. The Dems can probably escape the embarrassment of seeing Arizona go to LaRouche at the national convention, but it's going to take a court fight--which is just one more cost of this stupid primary. DELAYED IMPACT: The land speculators and developers are about to dance away again--this time with the latest Pima County staff recommendations for minimal impact fees for the northwestern valley. And it now appears the fees will be applied on a "gradual" basis in order to lessen their impact on business. Clue: We've already had the impact--check your tax bill if you're in the Amphi School District; see how many kids are in a classroom in the Marana School District; try to drive north of Orange Grove Road. Massive population growth is not--repeat, not--good for the folks who already live here, because it doesn't bring enough revenue with it to pay for the increased needs it creates. Land speculators make out. Developers make out. Some builders and salesman and construction workers make some bucks. The rest of us pay more taxes and watch our desert get plowed. That's been the story from the beginning. But it's an election year, so expect a Band-Aid approach to the problem, with some Mickey Mouse impact fee structure and a big tax hike coming right behind to cover the real costs. AND SPEAKING OF ELECTION YEAR POSING: The Board of Supes actually turned down a recent request by a developer to plow over more saguaros than zoning law permitted. Wow, ain't they environmentally sensitive? Of course, all you have to do is drive around and watch all those other saguaros getting clearcut on a daily basis to make way for cheapo, blade-and-grade eyesore apartments to know this was nothing more than showboating. Most pathetic were Special Ed Moore and Mikey "The Flaky Waffleman" Boyd trying to act like they gave a damn. Check their record on allowing other rezonings over their respective board stints to see how many of the big cacti they really care about. We think it's just delightful to watch Mikey use the last year of his term to explain the first three, while Ed uses his to explain the last 11. When they quit taking campaign money from land speculators and developers, then maybe we'll know they've really repented. Until then, get real. WEISER LOCK WISES UP: When the Copper Bowl gang first asked the Board of Supes and City Council to subsidize their spectacular sporting event, they said the game would soon be a huge financial bonanza and taxpayers would be off the hook. That was seven years ago, and they've been back for a handout every year since. Now the Copper Bowl's prime corporate sponsor, Weiser Lock, has pulled out after spending about $4 million over the past four years--which means they weren't getting their million-a-year worth of lock sales out of the deal. The Copper Bowl folks say corporate sponsors only hang around for about four years anyway. Well, knowing that, why are these guys just now "searching" for a new sponsor? Think maybe after collecting all those tax dollars, they could've got off their asses and found somebody else by now? Think maybe, if bowl sponsorship is such a great marketing tool, there'd be a whole bunch of big companies chomping at the bit? Suppose all those big business guys who're so good at spending our tax money to promote their profits are going to sign on? Maybe the hotel and restaurant guys should chip in if this sucker brings in so many high-rolling turistas. Isn't their margin of profit bigger than the sales tax revenue they claim we get from this third-rate ballgame? The bottom line is that corporate America is a whole lot more realistic about their bottom lines. And it's time local governments wised up: How about the same two-year cut-off proposed for other welfare recipients? WONDROUS WEB: Kudos to the Arizona Legislature--believe it or not--for developing a terrific web site. The Arizona Legislative Information Service--ALIS to her friends--gives webheads ample opportunity to track bills at the Capitol. Just point your browser to http://www.azleg.state.az.us/ for a virtual visit to our favorite asylum. Now if lawmakers would put their campaign finance reports online, we could all have some real fun. THAT'S WHAT WE GET FOR TRUSTING THE REPUBLIC: The Skinny erred when we said the Phoenix law firm Streich Lang was handling Gov. J. Fife Deadbeat III's bankruptcy. We don't blame the Streich Lang folks for being angry--we wouldn't want to be associated with that mess either--but what can we say? We read it in The Arizona Repungnant, and no, we didn't see the subsequent correction. Guess Fife is right--you can't believe everything you read in the paper. On another front, we've misspelled a few names lately--those of Pima County Board of Supes candidate Sally Slosser and Channel 4 pretty-boy anchor Joe Donlon. As punishment, we're placing very painful little clamps on our nipples before we go jogging. Film at 10. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM LENA: We note former Democratic Pima County supervisor, state senator and state representative Sam Lena turned 75 this month. Civil, courteous, competent, hard-working and caring, Lena was first elected to the state House Of Representatives in 1966. He made a lot more things happen there than he was ever given credit for, because he wasn't trying to grab a headline or score a soundbite. Unfortunately, they don't seem to be making many of his kind any more. We miss you, Sam. Happy birthday, and many happy returns.

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