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The EggsorcistBy Fred DeLoveleyEditor's note: As sworn defenders of our increasingly oft-abridged rights to free speech and equal representation, it should come as no great surprise that we take particular beaming pride in documenting the trials and tribulations of the maligned, the misunderstood, and the marginalized. On occasion, though, even so grave and serious a commitment is simply not enough. We are human after all, just like you, subject to the same innate pangs of wonderment and repulsion. It is with this in mind that we ask you, fair readers, to set aside, if only for a moment, all of your most deeply held prejudices and preconceptions, just as we ourselves have had to, so that we may present to you the following unsolicited, anonymous manuscript, "A week in the life of a 12-egg-omelet eater." While we can neither confirm nor deny any of the claims made herein, in part owing to the fact that the entire thing was written in egg yolk on white paper napkins, our commitment to full disclosure, however unseemly, requires we publish it. Fair warning... AUGUST 3, 1997: It happened again!! 7 eggs down, maybe more, when that "nice" waitress came by with her smiley "how is everything?" How is everything, indeed! Impudent eggstress, like I can't eat 12 eggs! I'll show you! But I got so confused I started to eat the "delicious home fries" instead of my precious eggs! (illegible)!! August 4, 1997: Stomach hurts today, could only eat 5, maybe 6 eggs. (Sob!) Went home and watched Cool Hand Luke four times. Felt Better! August 5, 1997: Felt real good today! Ate like 10 and a half eggs. So close! Won't be long now! Also watched Rocky six times. August 6, 1997: (illegible) EGGS!!!!!!! August 7, 1997: So, I'm like 6 or 7 eggs into it when I notice that one of those "friendly" types that are always coming into the place is looking right at me. Guy says, "That sure is a lot of eggs, (Duh!!!!) you think you can eat them all?" So he's like challenging me, right? So I say, "Yeah, what's it to you!" So now he's all like "I'm sorry (yeah right!), I was just trying to make a little pleasant conversation, didn't mean anything by it." Jerk!! Went home and listened to "I am the Walrus" 37 times. Didn't help at all! August 8, 1997: Only 4 eggs! I am lost!!! August 9, 1997: Got a late start today. Was up all night watching Pink Flamingos. I know a lot of people think that movie is really weird, but you gotta love that Eggman. He's so nice and everything, and he really seems to know his eggs. Anyway, I could only eat 7 eggs today, but the movie doesn't have to be back until midnight. Yippee!
Epilogue: On a final note, we'd like to extend our deepest
gratitude and wishes for a speedy recovery to our newest, and
sadly, most recently institutionalized intern K. Delicious, who
so patiently transcribed these shocking notes.
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