HANGOVER HEAVEN
The roof of the World's Smallest Museum, located in Superior,
near Globe, is made entirely of beer cans. "It took 1,800
empties to finish the job," said proprietor Dan Wight. "But
my selection committee did themselves real proud. They furnished
3,600 cans, twice as many as we needed. Some of them are still
recovering."
WE WOULD'VE WRITTEN YOU A LETTER, BUT WE COULDN'T SPELL "YUCK"
The Oro Valley Town Council waited until Mayor Cheryl Skalsky
was out of town to call a special meeting to fire her. "They're
a bunch of wusses," said Saklsky.
GRAND SLAM
A robber fleeing police burst into Larry Lance's mobile home in
Apache Junction, eventually killing himself there. Lance, who
slept through the incident, waking up only after fugitive Wayne
Faron shot himself in the head, was startled when he saw the mess
of blood and brains in his living room. "I thought a person
had gone out drinking, ate at Denny's, came here, sat in the chair
and threw up all over the floor," said Lance, a 44-year-old
electrician. As for sleeping through the police siege, he said,
"I thank my lucky stars I got plowed last night."
PARTLY CLOUDY WITH LOW VISIBILITY DUE TO A BLIMP
George Post, a letter writer to The Arizona Daily Star,
chastised KVOA-TV weatherman Jimmy Stewart for not standing on
the right side of the screen while delivering the weather. "His
rotund physique covers up the entire western U.S., the part of
the country in which we are most interested," Post wrote.
A CENTURY LATE AND A QUART LOW
Bisbee resident Mikael Patrick Lundin roams the streets of the
old mining town greeting tourists dressed in a Buffalo Bill costume
and acting like the famous frontiersman. "Since 1970, I have
never walked into a building that's younger than I am," said
Lundin. "I also refuse to live in a town that delivers mail
or has a traffic signal."
YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH
TUSD board member Gloria Copeland, denied another term in the
November election, threatened to sue the Tucson Citizen
when the paper asked her to prove she graduated from Midwestern
State University in Wichita Falls, Texas. The school's admissions
office has no record of her graduating. "I do have the certificate,
which I could give to you," Copeland said. Asked to provide
it, she said, "I shouldn't have even said this much."
KILLER DIET
Teshome Abate died at St. Mary's Hospital after refusing to eat
for five months after the Department of Corrections denied his
request for a special diet based on his Ethiopian Orthodox Christian
beliefs. Abate's cousin, Sab Assa, demanded an investigation.
"He kept saying the treatment is not right," Assa said.
"He doesn't get his letters properly, he doesn't get his
food. Plus, they put him in with very criminal guys." Abate
was a convicted murderer.
ROCK AROUND THE CROCK
Classes at the new and improved University of Arizona include
Underwater Basketweaving, the Sociology of Sexuality, and Rock
and American Popular Music. In the latter course, students learn
how Elvis' pelvic thrusts change the music industry.
NEITHER HAIR NOR THERE
Tucson teacher Patrick Coco invented and is selling for $20 the
Lute Lid, a wig in the style of UA basketball coach Lute Olson.
"We came up with a slogan while watching the game--you ain't
cute unless you look like Lute."
JUST DO IT, SLAVE
In spite of vigorous protests, the UA signed a multi-million deal
with Nike for the company to provide shoes, workout clothes, uniforms
and some equipment to the school's athletic teams. The deal was
opposed because Nike's overseas factories are said to be sweatshops
that abuse workers and pay them little. One report found that
77 percent of Nike workers in a Vietnam factory suffered health
problems.
MIGHTY CASEY FOR PRESIDENT
Casey Cuny, executive vice president of the UA's student government,
was declared a fugitive from justice for failing to appear in
court on a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge stemming from
a raucous party at his home. Asked if the incident reflected on
his ability to perform in office, Cuny said, "It shows my
great organizational ability because it was such a great party."
YOU'RE THE REASON OUR KIDS ARE SO UGLY
At the end of his on-air appearance with former player and Oakland-based
talk show host Tom Tolbert, UA basketball coach Lute Olson signed
off by saying, "Thanks for having me. Say hi to Lori (Tolbert's
wife), and I'm just so thrilled that the kids look like her. All
your former teammates and coaches were worried about that."
LIKE FREQUENT POTTY BREAKS FOR COUNCIL MEMBERS SUFFERING THROUGH
DUMB MEETINGS
In response to fellow City Councilman Jerry Anderson's effort
to explore limiting the number of dogs residents can own, José
Ibarra said, "I don t think it's our position to be saying
how many animals little Juanito can have. I think that there's
other, more vital issues that we need to address."
NO CLASS
A tribal cop at the Gila River Indian Community checked a child
molester out of jail to have him play the role of McGruff the
Crime Dog at a local school because the officer who normally plays
him was unavailable. Those in attendance said that Alfred Thurman,
who started getting touchy feely with the children, was recognized
by several horrified kids when he pulled off his head gear.
THEY LEFT WITHOUT WAITING FOR A TIP
A Delta Chi member who left his fraternity house to await a pizza
delivery was shocked to find, upon his return, a dead javelina
with a piece of paper stuck in its bloody mouth on a table near
the front door.
AND THE BARN OWL THAT LIVES IN IT
An ad put out by the Arizona Historical Society was honored by
three national trade publications. It showed a photo of former
governor Rose Mofford above a headline that read: If she were
dead, we'd have her hair.
HE'S A BUG ON THE WINDSHIELD OF LIFE
An unnamed robbery suspect held up two southside Burger Kings
before being arrested when his speeding van got stuck in traffic
near Craycroft and Broadway. The suspect had his 5-year-old son
in tow.
IF MY NOSE WERE FULL OF NICKELS, I'D BLOW IT ON YOU, COPPER
A county judge dismissed Tucson cop David Azuelo's lawsuit alleging
damages when a local Taco Bell served him a bloody burrito. Azuelo
found a large quantity of blood inside the burrito's wrapper as
he prepared to eat. The cop said that as he spoke to the manager
about the problem, the worker who prepared the food came out of
the back room, looked him in the eye and smiled. Then the worker
tossed shredded cheese into a food canister with a big grin on
his face.
NOT TO WORRY, PATSY. IT WAS ONLY A TREE STUMP
In another Taco Bell story, a jury denied a Tucson woman's claim
of $30,000 in damages for biting into a bean burrito she claimed
contained a cockroach leg. Patsy Cruce lost her case after a bug
expert testified that it wasn't a bug leg, but plant material.
HERE S A QUARTER, CALL SOMEONE WHO CARES
Monkey-nappers cut the cage of a squirrel monkey at the Phoenix
Zoo, making off with the two-pound creature valued at $200. Tucson
Citizen writer Corky Simpson described the scene at Little
Devil's cage: "Jasmine and Mimi, each weighing about a pound,
were locked in a tender embrace, worried and confused and appearing
to be comforting each other. Grandma was in a corner, alone, frightened
and pathetic. Squeeks, Stinky, Stash and Monster were uneasy,
pacing, looking side to side, yelling and pacing some more. Students
and church groups weren't laughing or calling to their furry little
friends as they normally do."
TOO MUCH HEAD
A clerk's paperwork error resulted in the freeing of the wrong
inmate from the Pima County Jail. Michael A. Head, 26, was freed
instead of William Head, who was spending weekends at the jail
for drunk driving. Michael Head turned himself in after several
hours.
MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN
Tucson personal injury lawyer Richard Grand bought the signed
final-episode script of Seinfeld for $6,000 at a San Francisco
auction. "It ended up in a bidding war between myself and
a lady," said Grand, who is very successful in his practice.
"I was willing to pay a little bit more."
SNIFF, SNIFF, BANG, BANG
Radio Pantera, a Spanish-language radio station, airs a program
that glamorizes the drug traffic in Mexico in song and story.
The background sounds in some of the songs played by host Luis
Aguilar include automatic weapons firing and police shouting into
bullhorns. If you don't listen, one promotion warned, there will
be a settling of accounts.
HE CAME, HE PEED IN PUBLIC, HE SHOOK US DOWN FOR A BIG CHECK, HE LEFT
The City of Tucson gave transient Alan Mason $5,000 to settle
a lawsuit over an alleged policy that he claimed forced homeless
people out of downtown.
SERIOUSLY
KOLD-TV, Channel 13's helicopter landed on a road near Vail, blocking
for two minutes an ambulance that was attempting to leave the
scene of a school bus accident. "Our concerns were that if
this were a more serious collision, with more serious injuries,
it could have been a serious situation," said Pima County
Sheriff's Capt. George Heaney.
LIFE IN THE METAMUCIL LANE
Green Valley residents were outraged at new regulation issued
by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration requiring
seatbelts and other safety features on new golf carts that could
boost the price by $1,000. Twenty-year resident Katherine Frame
said, "A seatbelt wouldn't make any difference. I've heard
of about maybe three accidents, and they came from people not
paying attention."
SOMETHING NO WOMAN HAS EVER, EVER, EVER DONE
Carl Sinclair filed suit against Arizona Capacitor Co. alleging
that harassment by female co-workers created intolerable conditions.
They made a lewd doll of him, and a female supervisor waved a
dildo in his face. Douglas Clark, Jr., lawyer for the company,
said he believes Sinclair is trying to milk a situation for money.
THEY LOOKED A LOT LIKE YOKO ONO
A Colorado man was arrested when, after hearing of Linda McCartney's
death, he jumped the fence around Paul and Linda's ranch near
Redington Pass and spent 30 minutes videotaping the property.
Police also alleged that John Cowie stole several rubber rats
set out to deter rodents.
I'D RATHER HAVE A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY
Christopher C. Eddy told police he had no idea how the door from
a torched UA fraternity house wound up in his mid-town home. The
19-year-old, who was a member of the Alpha Tau Omega house when
it was ordered closed by the national organization, admitted that
some of the brothers joked about burning the place down. "But
it was bullshit," he explained. "Nobody was going to
cause any damage...We re a frat. We drink."
FALLING FOR YOU
A jury convicted Robert J. Benge of four counts of fraud for faking
falls at several Arizona businesses, and bilking insurance companies
of a total of more than $10,000. Investigators believe that Benge
and his sidekick--his sainted mother--pulled the same scam 70
times in various states.
IT'S PARTY OF FIVE, DUDES
Brandy Walker, 19, a beginning reporter at the Arizona Summer
Wildcat newspaper, resigned after she was caught making up
quotes in four stories. Said Walker, "I don't think anyone
who acts that way should work for the Wildcat or any newspaper
because things like that can affect such a wide audience."
She said she plans to become a TV writer.
JURASSIC PORK
In what he thought would be a good way to introduce kids to the
legislative process, Republican state Sen. John Huppenthal suggested
that Arizona name an official state dinosaur. But the proposal
became bogged down when interests from the northern and southern
parts of the state bickered over what dinosaur to name. The matter
was settled when the parties agreed to name two state dinosaurs.
FIGHTING WORDS
In its morning-after election news coverage, the ever-reliable
Arizona Daily Star identified California Senator Barbara
Boxer as a Republican in a front-page box. She is one of the most
liberal Democrats in the U.S. Senate.
HERE'S A QUARTER, CALL SOMEONE WHO CARES
Former UA basketball star Brian Williams, now with the Detroit
Pistons of the NBA, announced he was changing his name to Bison
Dele.
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