Baseball Is Once Again Our National Religion. And Now A Word From Its Latest Convert...
By Jeff Smith
THE SUN COMES up on Easter Sunday and the whole world is
crawling with Christians. Hallelujah.
Rosy-fingered Dawn streaks the eastern horizon on the first
day of October and everybody's a baseball fan. Play ball.
The high holy days possess the power of miracles: the magic to
convert the heathen masses to passion and piety, in the former
example; or to invest the mundane with lofty spirituality, as
in the latter.
I still reckon myself among the agnostics who see slow and dull
where true believers see measured and ritualistic on the field
of dreams. I enjoyed whacking that great big orb of a softball
when I was a schoolkid, but watching fat, selfish men who can't
hit their weight whine over million-dollar paychecks soured me
on our putative national pastime. George Will's pompous preaching
on the subject hasn't helped either.
But here it is October again and damned if I haven't begun to
look forward to the World Serious. Baseball has been reborn in
the hearts of America, thanks in large part of Mark McGwire and
Sammy Sosa, to a kid named Kerry Wood, to a New York Yankees team
that distinguishes itself by actual teamwork, and to another team
that has been down so long it wouldn't quite know what to do with
success, the Chicago Cubs.
There may yet be a lone Japanese soldier hiding out in some South
Pacific island cave since World War II, unaware of the armistice,
who does not know that batters in both leagues have knocked the
hide off the ball this entire baseball season, and that a large
lad whose parents apparently couldn't spell "McGuire"
ended the season with 70 home runs, followed by an equally talented
swinger named Sosa, who sent 66 out of the park.
Watching Mark and Sammy laugh with the press and with each other,
and really enjoy getting to play their favorite game and make
tons of money for it and take terrific cuts at the ball and get
good wood on it a truly remarkable percent of the time, has gone
a long way toward undoing the damage of free-agency and cocaine
and self-absorption in baseball during the '80s and '90s.
I'd also like to include Ken Griffey Jr. in my short list of
folks to thank for making baseball worth watching, because, while
Junior got a trifle pecking toward the latter half of the season,
it was only because the press made such a big, cosmic whoop about
the single-season home-run record, and Junior got weary of answering
the same dumb questions over and over again.
Beyond that though, Junior seems a pretty level-headed, decent
guy, and the thing I really like about him is his swing. Damn.
Have you ever witnessed a sweeter natural stroke with a piece
of hickory? Junior's swing with a baseball bat is analogous to
what Tiger Woods does with his driver at a golf tee: A wonderful
thing to behold. Even if golf is as pointless as, say, bowling.
Which it is.
Be that as it may, it's uplifting simply to witness the biomechanics
of a swing so smooth and of such beauty that it barely gives evidence
of the power contained within it--power to send a horsehide sphere
into the cheap seats or through a windshield on Waveland Avenue,
assuming the Mariners were playing the Cubbies at their place.
Anyway, it's been fun watching these overgrown boys playing very
well at a game that used to be fun, and shows promise of being
fun once more.
I also get a boot out of this kid Wood, the 21-year-old Cubs
pitcher who struck out 20 batters in 9 innings when he was still
a 20-year-old, who throws a 100-mile-an-hour fastball and never
seems to wear his arm out or lose sight of the fact that he's
lucky as a shit-house rat to be able to do it, and get paid a
whole lot of money for it, and take the rest of the year off,
after "working" for what, six months?
BUT THIS IS not a perfect world we live in, and the renaissance
of Major League Baseball may end up stillborn if something is
not done to rein in the runaway egos of the men in blue. For the
uninitiated, these are the umpires. We finally get players like
McGwire and Sosa to remain relatively normal in the face of public
idolatry, and some fat-ass behind home plate is playing prima
dona with the strike zone.
The perfect example happened last week when plate umpire Joe
Brinkman tossed Indians manager Mike Hargrove out of the second
Cleveland/Boston playoff game, followed quite shortly by Indians
pitcher Dwight Gooden. Three pitches into the first half of the
first inning, Hargrove "visited" the plate to protest
three very obvious bad calls Brinkman had made on Gooden pitches
that were right at the batter's knees. Brinkman called all three
balls, when clearly to Hargrove, to Gooden, to the batter, to
every sighted person on Planet Earth, to every kid who ever played
a game of sandlot ball, the three pitches were in the strike zone.
The strike zone, as every American schoolboy knows, is from the
knees to the letters and from the inside edge of the plate to
the outside. This amounts to racial knowledge: You're human, you're
American, you're male--you know this.
But over the years, and with the complicity of pitchers and batters
and managers, home plate umpires have nibbled away at the strike
zone in some directions, and let it grow fat and lazy in others.
In today's game it's not enough to wait breathless through the
first inning to see if the pitcher can bring the heat, to learn
if his breaking stuff has its hop, whether he's got the control
he needs:
You've got to find out what sort of mood the umpire's in, and
how liberal he feels like being with his strike zone. And in what
direction. His strike zone? Excuse me, but the strike zone belongs
to God and Abner Doubleday. It's not subject to human trifling.
To allow a mere mortal, even if he is a home-plate umpire, to
arbitrarily move it a foot outside the plate, or limit it to somewhere
between the patella and the belt buckle, is an affront to everyone
who ever played the game for no money.
And that amounts to roughly 100 percent of the men and boys in
America. And Japan.
Joe Brinkman was wrong to call those three balls that Doc Gooden
threw, over the plate and above the batter's knees. Mike Hargrove
was right to call him on it, because otherwise Gooden would have
been meat for the Red Sox batters. Brinkman was wrong to throw
Hargrove out of the game, but the greater wrong is for the world
to accept these and similar outrages.
I say this with all the passion and conviction of a foxhole convert.
It's October and I am in church. Ask me next June and I'll probably
have no opinion on the matter; but right now, in view of the moral
malaise seeping into American society from the White House on
down, I believe that nothing less than our collective soul hangs
in the balance.
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