The Longest Word In The English Language Gets A Workout. By Tom Danehy MY GRANDFATHER ALFONSO DiMarco used to say that "if" was the biggest word in the English language. This was pretty good for him, considering he really didn't speak English, his being an immigrant and all. He never said those words to me, mostly because he died just before I was born. And no, I don't feel his spirit in me. But apparently I do share his respect for gravity (which, in Italian men, is often mistaken for lack of height) and his love of gnocchi, a small potato dumpling so delicious you're only allowed to eat them twice a year lest you become hooked and someone finds you in an alley trying to jab this odd form of pasta into a vein. He made his dozen or so kids speak English in the house. He raised them all after my grandmother died in childbirth with the last kid. He played the immigrant game; his English was good enough to teach other Italian immigrants how to speak it, but "bad" enough that he could use it as an excuse for poor or non-communication with certain Americans. My favorite story was that he used to speak with an affected thick Italian accent when he referred to some people as "Merde-dicans." This sounded enough like "Americans" to pass, but "merde" is the Italian equivalent of the Spanish "mierda," which is what comes out of most people's butts and Newt Gingrich's mouth. Apparently, he was full of colorful Italian phrases, which my mother passed along to me. One was, "If you were in a barrel of (merde) up to your neck and somebody came along and dumped a bucket of snot on you, would you duck? Something to think about. Anyway, he loved that thing about "if." It's true that it's a big word, full of ramifications and possibilities and huge, empty spaces. I find myself engaging in it from time to time. But, one has to be careful. Life, by definition, is too short, so I try to avoid wasting time. Well, I try to avoid wasting too much time. Still, I find myself engaging in "if" stuff every now and then. It can be fun if done in moderation, and unlike gnocchi, won't add to your waistline. You have to set parameters, however. You can't do past "ifs" because you'll just drive yourself crazy. Like, "if" the 1994 Arizona football team had scored just one more point against Oregon, the Cats would have gone to the Rose Bowl. Now that's true, but who benefits from thinking about such a dreadful thing? Heck, you can go into an entire category of past-perfect "ifs" that can keep you occupied (and completely unproductive) for hours. For example, the world would be a much better place if: • The cellular phone had never been invented. • Shimon Peres had just an ounce of charisma, enough to have won the election over the loutish, war-mongering Netanyehu. • Wings had been canceled after its first season. You see how that list could go on forever and pretty much lead one to the top of a tall building, ready to jump, just waiting for a passing Yuppie to land on? So I try to keep my "if" thinking confined to the present and the future. It's sometimes scientific and rational, sometimes fanciful. Sometimes it even requires a small leap of reasoning, like, "If people didn't smoke, there'd be fewer car accidents." Now that's completely true and provable, but try explaining it to a smoker. Let me share some of this week's "ifs" with you. • If inconsistency were a virtue, the 1996 UA football team would be godlike. • If there were any justice in the world, nine-time loser Darryl Strawberry would not be playing for a pennant winner. • If the lead-in strength of Seinfeld can make Suddenly Susan a huge hit, then the TV remote control isn't as great an invention as everyone thought. • If the Dodgers win the World Series, Tommy Lasorda won't get the credit he deserves for putting that team together. • If local ASU football fans are so loyal, how is it all those Sun Devil T-shirts we're suddenly seeing were in the cleaners for the past decade? • If someone asks you to name the biggest star in Hollywood, just say Steven Seagal. For all the wrong reasons. His sensei needs to teach him how to karate his ass away from the dessert cart. • If the Toros want a long-term alignment with the Arizona Diamondbacks beginning in 1998, why would the Milwaukee Brewers agree to a one-year deal next year? • If Arizona State comes to Tucson on November 23 needing a win to go to the Rose Bowl, they ain't gonna get it. No matter how lousy Arizona's record is at the time. • If the Dallas Cowboys don't make the playoffs this year, will all of their insufferable fans still wear those shirts everywhere, including church? • If the Phoenix Cardinals move to Los Angeles, will anybody in either city notice? • If Alanis Morissette's album Jagged Little Pill becomes the all-time best-selling album by a female artist, will people stop complaining about why there are so few women in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? • If Deion Sanders is really the misunderstood family man that he claims to be, why is his wife suing him for divorce, claiming cruelty and adultery? (Did you hear the all-time quote from Sanders? When asked about his wife's allegations of adultery, he responded, "Do you mean before the marriage or prior to?") • If CNN keeps referring to this as the "last presidential election of the 20th century" (it's not), are we supposed to trust them to tell us the news? I'll see you next week...if there is a next week.

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