Chastity Bono Combines Narrative And Case Study To Reveal What 'Out' Is About.
By Leigh Rich
Family Outing, by Chastity Bono with Billie Fitzpatrick
(Little, Brown and Company). Cloth, $23.50.
IT'S NOT EASY being gay. Whether you're a small-town boy
from South Carolina or the daughter of the celebrated singing
duo Sonny and Cher, "coming out of the closet" is a
difficult, gradual and, sometimes, painful journey. But according
to Chastity Bono, "outing" oneself is rewarding and
empowering for both homosexuals and their families.
As Bono contends throughout Family Outing, coming out
involves and affects the whole family. A family's "acceptance
of a gay or lesbian child or sibling is directly tied to the gay
person's ability to accept him- or herself...Coming out, then,
is a dual process that both individuals and families struggle
through and ultimately learn to appreciate."
Thankfully, Family Outing is not an egoistic, Hollywood-ized
account of growing up in a celebrity household, nor does it succumb
to self-centered biography about the struggles of being gay and
famous. Instead, Bono's book is a down-to-earth look at what
it means to learn about and accept one's homosexuality. It defends
that the stages toward acceptance and living a completely "out"
life are comparable for all gays and lesbians, though each greets
these steps in their own manner and time. Consequently, Family
Outing is a compilation of coming out stories; stories which
include narratives of homosexuals and their parents from across
the nation.
Excerpts from each history are woven through the book under topic
headings that mirror the chronological stages of coming out:
The first step, for example, involves recognizing one's homosexuality.
"There's no fixed time that someone realizes that he or she
is gay." This can occur anytime, from early childhood to
adulthood or beyond. Bono began to notice she was different from
female classmates in grade school; even mom Cher had suspicions
that something was divergent about her daughter. Conflicts arose
between the two over Bono's clothing choices, which tended toward
the masculine.
But Bono herself couldn't put a name on her idiosyncrasies until
she was 13. She first realized she was gay after seeing the movie
Personal Best, about two female athletes who develop a
relationship. Today, it's considered a "lesbian classic."
Next, most young individuals undergo a testing phase, often dating
members of the opposite sex to verify their homosexuality.
And finally, the lengthy coming-out process begins. Gays and
lesbians initially "out" themselves to someone "safe,"
like a close friend or teacher. Bono told her best friend, who
nonchalantly responded, "What's the big deal?" In her
book, Bono recalls feeling relieved. She also reaches an important
conclusion: "Like many of us when we are young, I looked
to my friend to see if I was okay, and since Gina, who was straight
then and still is today, never seemed bothered by the fact that
I was gay, my immediate fears were allayed."
Whether gay or straight, we as humans, and especially as teenagers,
repeatedly look to our peer groups to remind ourselves we belong
and are accepted. But homosexual teens, Bono notes, tend to feel
increasingly alienated when struggling with sexuality, future
success and adulthood--issues all adolescents face. According
to Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (P-FLAG), 30 percent
of youth living on the streets are homosexual; 26 percent are
forced to leave home because of conflicts over sexuality; and
approximately 30 percent have alcohol and drug problems.
But Family Outing doesn't linger on the hardships; instead,
it helps gays still "in the closet" confront their parents,
and it dissolves stereotypes of homosexuals as "sex fiends"
or (more damaging in its nebulous definition) "unsuccessful."
Most gays dread confronting their parents. Some wait years, drop
subtle hints until it's obvious, or write letters from a safe
distance. Paul at age 11 hid notes in the house which read, "Dear
Mom and Dad, I love you very much. I am gay. This is not your
fault. I am still your son." And though Paul's parents responded
negatively at first, they eventually found ways to relate to him.
Bono writes, "Paul's courage and hopefulness were the catalysts
for his parents' ultimate acceptance of his homosexuality."
Part two of Family Outing recounts Bono's conversations
with the parents, and reveals that parental reactions often stem
from guilt ("Was I a bad parent?") or fear ("Will
my child have a happy, successful life?") rather than anger
or disappointment.
All in all, while not necessarily sophisticated, Family Outing
is a pleasant, educational read for homosexual and straight alike.
The book's structure is a little hard to follow, since the case
stories are interlaced throughout each chapter. Bono's subjects
and interviewees tend to jumble together. However, this format
helps bolster her central theme on "universal stages in the
coming out process."
And Bono's own narrative--the tense relationship with her mother,
her father's co-sponsoring of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA),
The Star involuntarily outing her in 1990, and her cherished
partner dying of cancer--is tangible and inspiring for all.
Bono is living proof one can succeed in life and establish fulfilling
relationships, regardless of sexual preference. Still, same-sex
partnering remains all too frequently taboo: Currently "only
13 states in this country have anti-discrimination laws to protect
gays against firing or other unjust treatment," the author
reports.
A political activist and gay-rights advocate, Bono affirms it's
the responsibility of gays and lesbians to change disapproving
stereotypes.
But responsibility falls on everyone's shoulders. As Cher says
in her daughter's book, "If the majority of people in society
didn't consider homosexuality a negative, I don't think anyone
would care. Everyone would come out to their parents and life
would go on."
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