September 28 - October 4, 1995

CROCK O' MARKETING: What better way to throw a birthday party than to turn it into a high-profile marketing concept?

As Betty Crocker, the little woman's Hamburger Helper, turns 75, the crocker-jock marketing squad at food giant General Mills, Inc., has decided whitebread, thin-lipped, perky-nosed Betty needs to reflect the rainbow of Bettys who help them compete in the big world of canned frosting. So they're staging a contest only women can enter--because our Betty certainly is not about having a penis and cooking outdoors.

They're going to pick 75 women's faces, stir 'em up like a tuna casserole and create today's perfectly PC dish.

Here's the way I'm filling out the contest entry form:

Description of how entrant enjoys baking and cooking: I love to bake. Sadly, I don't and haven't since I rescued my 1947 O'Keefe and Merritt stove from someone's grass-strangled backyard many years ago. Its white enamel and shiny chrome is enviable, but unhappily, no one is ever quite sure what temperature it will bake at on any given day. Anyway, grand dames and princesses should not be forced to work past their prime and baking has long been recognized as a casualty of the feminist-inspired Working Woman Syndrome.

When I do approach the stove to perhaps boil a bird, chic butcher apron in place, I take my cue from Alice B. Toklas, who spoke earnestly of "murder in the kitchen" in her classic 1954 cookbook. After strangling six plump white pigeons, Toklas wrote, "It was a most unpleasant experience, though as I laid out one by one the sweet young corpses, there was no denying one could become accustomed to murdering."

Commitment to family and friends: I pray daily my family will not surface with the latest trauma, like when my sister calls and says she's being kicked out of her house because her landlord has decided, like everybody else west of the Mississippi, to sell and move to Montana. I suggest she live in her car, but my sister without an oven is like a marketing plan without someone to exploit. She does make the best chocolate eclairs around, meaning she's a kitchen overachiever who is roundly detested, except on holidays.

Involvement in community: I patronize local take-out as frequently as possible.

Resourcefulness in handling everyday tasks: When I'm out of jam, I use honey to go with the peanut butter sandwiches I pack for three lunch boxes every day.

Pretty good, eh, Betty? By the way, I noticed your new ad campaign on television is really aimed at changing the image of women. You know, the one where it says, "Betty Crocker knows what hungry guys want," and you show all those hunky construction guys shoveling in your slimy au gratin potatoes while the silky-voiced male narrator says, "And Betty makes one hot potato."

You're gonna love my photo with the panties and big red spoon.

Use your imagination, warriors. Entries must be postmarked by October 16.
--Hannah Glasston

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