OK, I WENT and did it, just for you, and boy, do you owe me big time. I watched every single new sitcom on TV so you wouldn't have to. Hours and hours of lame jokes, tawdry sex and bad writing. It was like being stuck at the Daily Star's Christmas party.
Obviously this column isn't for those readers who have "Kill Your Television" bumper stickers. It's for normal people whose life essence hasn't been sucked out of them by a hydroponic diet. (By the way, does anybody know what they put in that glue to make it so those "Kill Your TV" bumper stickers only stick to VW vans and Volvos? It's really weird.)
Believe it or not, there are 28 new sitcoms on TV this year, including nine on Sunday night alone. Several of them I won't even bother reviewing. Many won't make it to the sweeps month of November. And others are on UPN, the network best known for having a logo which manages to make geometric shapes annoying.
There are only two shows on UPN worth watching: (Star Trek: Voyager and Nowhere Man, and they're both on Monday night. The rest is...well, let me put it this way: UPN has decided to face the killer Sunday night at 7 p.m. competition of Lois and Clark (ABC), Mad About You (NBC), The Simpsons (FOX) and Cybill (CBS) with a sitcom starring Kirk Cameron, whose claim to fame is that he once played second fiddle to Alan Thicke.
We'll go in chronological order to avoid the urge to lump all the good ones together and just dump on the rest. The ratings range from one through five grimaces or laughs.
SUNDAY: Brotherly Love (6 p.m. on NBC). Joey Lawrence and his two younger brothers all in one show. They could be interviewing MacLean Stevenson on 60 Minutes and we'd still prefer it over Love. Rating: 1/2 grimace.
• Almost Perfect (7:30 p.m. on CBS). Nancy Travis (So I Married an Ax Murderer) as a single woman who has achieved her career goal but finds her life empty without a guy. Enter the guy. Travis is funny. One laugh.
Not worth reviewing: Minor Adjustments (NBC), Too Something and Misery Loves Company (both on FOX). Various frowns all.
MONDAY: Can't Hurry Love (7:30 p.m. on CBS). Be very afraid. This stars as its romantic lead a grown-up Nancy McKeon, who played Jo on Facts of Life, a character who was...well, probably Melissa Etheridge's favorite. This show is bad, unfunny and relies heavily on gratuitous vulgarity and lewdness. Three grimaces.
• If Not For You (8:30 p.m. on CBS). My favorite new sitcom. Elizabeth McGovern and Hank Azaria as two people whose eyes meet across a crowded restaurant and they just know there's something there. Alas, both are engaged to others, she to a dweeb architect, he to a New Age ditzoid. The two are drawn to each other almost uncontrollably, but fight to do right by their respective betrotheds.
This is written and directed by Larry Levin, whose Bakersfield P.D. was too witty and intelligent for lowest-common-denominator FOX a couple years back. If Not isn't quite up to that standard, but it's good. When McGovern mentions that her fiance is an architect, Azaria remarks, "Oh that's good. He can have all the good qualities of a gay man without actually being...well, a gay man." Four and 1/2 smiles. (A special rating, as this show doesn't produce huge laughs, just lots of smiles.)
TUESDAY: Hudson Street (7:30 p.m. on ABC). Tony Danza is back and you can avoid him. I know we will. One grimace.
• The Pursuit of Happiness (8:30 p.m. on NBC). Surprisingly good and blessed with a Frasier lead-in. Revolves around a harried lawyer who appears to have it all, but there are serious cracks. This is pretty funny, especially since they don't go for the easy laughs. Two laughs.
WEDNESDAY: Bless This House (7 p.m. on CBS). Andrew Dice Clay tries to reinvent himself as Jackie Gleason. He wasn't funny when he talked about his tongue in various bodily orifices and he's not funny here. Cathy Moriarty isn't bad and the writing is okay, but Clay is an albatross around this show's neck. Two grimaces.
• The Drew Carey Show (7:30 p.m. on ABC). This is supposed to be a Seinfeld clone built around a professional nerd and based in Cleveland! If that doesn't scare you, nothing will. Three grimaces.
• The Naked Truth (8:30 p.m. on ABC). Probably the second-best new sitcom. Tea Leoni as a newly-divorced woman who gets a job as a tabloid photographer. Made by the guy who did Bosom Buddies way back when, which explains the cameo appearance by Tom Hanks last week. Three and 1/2 laughs.
THURSDAY: Caroline in the City (8:30 p.m. on NBC). If anything, an even better time slot, between Seinfeld and E.R. Another single woman looking for love. Yawn. One one-hundredth of a laugh.
FRIDAY: Dweebs (7 p.m. on CBS) Could be a winner. A bunch of nerds start a software company, but can't really function in the real world. Enter Farrah Forke, who escaped Wings. I love Peter Scolari (Bosom Buddies, Newhart). Two and 1/2 laughs.
SATURDAY: The Jeff Foxworthy Show (7 p.m. on ABC). Foxworthy is famous for his "You know you're a redneck if..." gig. We'd be better off if he'd just stand up and do that every Saturday night. This is horrible. Three grimaces.
• Maybe This Time (7:30 on ABC). This stars Betty White and Marie Osmond!!! AAAAAARRRRGGGH! Four and 1/2 grimaces. (It would be five grimaces, but we remember Betty White fondly as Sun Ann Nivens on Mary Tyler Moore.)
What can I say? TV's excellence remains mainly in its dramas and news coverage, although we'd have trouble explaining Melrose Place and Current Edition. Happy viewing.
