UH, THE COMPUTER ATE OUR GYM SHORTS: As the ongoing saga of the Pima County election vote count continues, we're fascinated by the constant media references to "computer errors." The Tucson Citizen, a newspaper with no discernible reader base except during snowbird season, even used the phrase in a Page One headline. Despite all we've been reading about the wonders of the World Wide Web, 3D graphics and virtual reality, we still view computers as inanimate objects lacking in volition and incapable of making errors on their own. Those who blame their own mistakes or the mistakes of programmers on the machines are either simpletons or charlatans. When someone tells a reporter about a "computer mistake," the press oughta treat it the same way a teacher handles the-dog-ate-my-homework excuse. There are no "computer errors" (well, except for those long division problems with pentium chips), only human ones. Try "bad management decisions" next time. STUFF IT YOURSELF: County Election Director Mitch Etter has some other problems besides counting votes improperly. Seems Democratic Sheriff's candidate Thad Curtis, an Ajo resident, complained about the Sheriff's plane carrying the Ajo ballot box back to Tucson, so he demanded the right to pick an observer to monitor the box's trip. Curtis apparently didn't trust the deputies carrying the box. That's pretty strange coming from a guy who harped about poor departmental morale under incumbent Sheriff Clarence Dupnik and who was endorsed by the FOP--but then paranoia is common in candidates. The real problem, however, was Etter's response. He asked the SO's office to accommodate Curtis' request. The SO's response was simple: How would Etter like to accommodate every other candidate on the ballot who also wanted to send an observer? There isn't enough room for another body in the plane. Since Etter was more concerned about satisfying Curtis than getting his ballots delivered, and since SO officials took offense at the challenge to their integrity, they told Etter to go get his own ballot boxes. That meant rural ballots took much longer to receive and count. Stay tuned for the general election. SLOW-MOTION NOTION: De facto Supervisor-elect John Even announced he has lymph cancer just after he defeated incumbent Republican Paul Marsh in the District 4 primary. While we sympathize with Even, and we recognize the district is so heavily Republican that his announcement will not change the outcome in November, we do have one question: If Even thought it was important enough to tell us about after the election, why wasn't it important enough to tell us when it was discovered last summer? And why, when asked by KVOA's Sandy Rathbun about the rumors of his ill health, did he deny there were any problems? We're sorry about your cancer, John, but we're even sorrier about your lack of integrity. DDT--DODGE, DELAY & TALK? Even the mainstream press noticed those five boxcars full of DDT-contaminated dirt from California headed for the Waste Management facility in Mobile, Arizona, were mysteriously discovered on a side track in Tucson. Councilman Steve Leal thought it fair to ask why and how, so he requested the item be placed on the agenda for the next City Council meeting. But Vice Mayor Michael Crawford, ever the apologist for big business, chose not to do so, saying it wasn't a "pressing issue." Crawford instead referred it to the City Council's environmental subcommittee, which consists of himself and councilwomen Shirley Scott and Janet "The Pond Lady" Marcus. It's scary these three are the city's environmental subcommittee, and so was their meeting on the hazwaste, at which environmentalists, led by Al Byrd, were given short shrift. At one point Crawford told them to shut up. Marcus and Scott supported the Crawford squelch, and the rest of the meeting was devoted to lengthy explanations by Waste Management suits. Hey, there was never a real problem--just ask the big company's PR folks. Pathetic. We have these folks in office because the usual Republican types who run against them haven't a clue and raise little money. One more validation that Tucson has an all-Democratic City Council because the special interests have found it's cheaper to buy them than to support Republicans. TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE: We enjoyed seeing the Greens, who only seem to show up when there are TV cameras around, at the state Capitol protesting the importation of California's DDT-laced dirt. But if the Greens actually wanted higher environmental standards in Arizona, they might consider hitting the pavement to help elect a Legislature that would stiffen the rules regarding what we'll let be buried in the ground. RÉSUMÉ TIME FOR MIKE THE SPIKE: City Manager Mike "The Spike" Brown has told four members of the Tucson City Council he's been out of town for at least one job interview. Guess which four--the ones who voted to keep him. He hasn't bothered to share that information with those who voted to remove him. Which is indicative of the divisive style he's shown from day one. REGISTER WHILE YOU CAN: If you haven't yet joined the ranks of registered voters, but you're eager to cast your ballot in the November 5 general election, you're running out of time. The deadline for registering to vote is October 7. There are plenty of places where you can painlessly fill out your registration form, including but not limited to the Pima County Recorder's Office (115 N. Church Ave.), the League of Women Voters headquarters (4560 E. Broadway), Democratic Party HQ (2617 E. Broadway), Republican Party HQ (3425 E. Grant Road), Park Mall and El Con, all the local library branches and, best of all, all eegee's locations. So get yourself a nice slushy drink and sign up to participate in our democratic process. It's fun, it's easy and--dammit--it's American. For more locations and information, call 623-2649. WEAKLY UPDATE: We thought the sauce was finally starting to get to us when we read the Out There column in last week's Tucson Weakly. For a second, we could swear we were seeing double. Yes, the same gang of bitter hacks who delight in correcting every chickenshit typo in other papers actually ran the same column twice on the same spread. Hey, is anyone paid to check things around there? Or had someone soaked down the carpet in the production room with ether again? There's only one excuse for such a rookie error: rank sloppiness. Maybe the editors oughta keep it in mind next time they feel like casting stones from their glass newsplex.

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