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Record Workout
Back Before We All Had Personal Trainers, Vinyl Kept Us Fit And Trim.
By Lynn Peril
BACK IN THE Golden Age before the so-called "CD revolution,"
there was an instructional record for just about everything. Ventriloquism
lessons, anti-communist rants, sex education--it all found its
way to a seven- or 12-inch platter at some point in time. Most
of it will never be released on CD. I mean, I doubt there's a
large demand for digital copies of the Church of Latter Day Saints'
What Is A Mormon LP. Nonetheless, we are committed to saving
these records from a certain future at the landfill. Join us,
then, for an exploration of charm and beauty on vinyl.
Face it, no matter what our physical appearance is, we hate it.
We're too fat/too skinny/too short/too tall/too hairy/not hairy
enough or have a bland personality. But despair not, because the
following records can help!
"Hello there...I'm Wendy Ward. Beauty is learned...and earned...you'll
never find it sitting on a mushroom," reads the label on
side two of The 20 Day Wendy Way to Charm, although there's
no hint as to why we might be sitting on a mushroom to begin with.
"Wendy Ward" was Montgomery Wards Department Stores'
teen girl mascot, and it's she herself who narrates this two-record
set, along two other nameless voices, one female ("our personal
charm director") and one male ("our ambassador at large").
The idea here is that you listen to the record every morning for
20 days, consulting the accompanying "Passport to Charm."
This brochure was long gone from my record set, but it sounds
like it was mostly meant for charting one's progress.
And what, pray tell, is charm? According to Wendy and crew, it's
"a perfect blend of outer and inner graciousness." How
are your manners? Are you well groomed? What about your figure?
Your posture? Well then, how about your facial expressions, diction
and grammar? Not perfect? Well, then you need this record! The
advice here runs from a recommendation that fattening foods be
thought of as "ugly pills," to the suggestion that "the
next time you feel the urge to be rude, remember that rudeness
is the devil's gift to a self-conscious girl, and you don't want
people to think you're self-conscious."
Of course not, Wendy. The advice starts getting a little thin
around Day Number Eight, when the daily assignment is to "try
a new food." Although these records are from 1963, Wards
apparently held an in-store version of the course for customers
up into the '70s or early '80s.
While Wendy says a mere three minutes of exercise morning and
night, every day, is the key to a beautiful figure, the folks
at Harper's Bazaar magazine would beg to differ. Their
record, Bazaar's Secret Formula For A Beautiful New You
(undated, but probably from about 1963), features a photo of a
babe in a gold lame swimsuit, and a gatefold construction that
ensures the accompanying printed matter won't get lost.
And forget that "20-day business"--this record provides
a nine-day diet along with nine "Wonder Exercises" and
nine "Relaxing Exercises," all set to music. The exercises
were designed for Bazaar by the "famous fitness authority"
Nicholas Kounovsky, who narrates the records in his gentle Russian
accent.
No high-impact aerobics set to blaring modern music here--you
might just fall asleep while listening to this. The exercises
themselves are decidedly non-strenuous; in fact, I'd consider
them only stretches. The editors at Bazaar obviously held
no illusions as to their effectiveness: One of the fashion tips
included in the printed material suggests that you "make
a friend of your corsetiere...let her suggest a wardrobe of girdles
and bras that do the most for your figure."
Jack LaLanne, on the other hand, made a living as a TV fitness
guru, and judging by the size of his biceps, he spent more than
little time practicing what he preached. According to the back
of his 1959 album, Glamour Stretcher Time, Jack opposed
fad diets, preaching instead proper nutrition and regular exercise.
The Glamour Stretcher looks like it was an early relative of the
rubber bands used nowadays at gyms to increase resistance while
exercising. And the music--"peppy" doesn't do it justice.
In fact, if you can imagine working out in a roller rink in 1959,
you may have some idea of what the cover calls the "delightful
organ music" contained within.
Now, if you're disturbed by the previous paragraph's revelation
that I have indeed recently seen the inside of a gym, you might
want to track down a copy of Reduce Through Listening.
Essentially, this is supposed to work by providing subconscious
suggestion. Put the record on the turntable, and lean back as
Edwin L. Baron, Ph.B. (that's a bachelor of philosophy) talks... really... slowly... about... how... you...
should... relax... thoroughly... until you just want to rip the needle
off the record and scream, "I'm frigging relaxed already,
buddy!" About two hours later, he finally suggests that "you
will be unable to eat sugar, starches, fats or oils," about
eight or 10 times in a row. Then, no doubt sensing your rising
blood pressure, he starts in with the relaxing business again,
until you're ready to scream again. I guess I'm a bad candidate
for hypnosis. Both sides are identical, "since this particular
record is meant to be played daily over a long period of time,
and may eventually lose some of its quality." My favorite
part is when he says, "I want you to visualize the worst
odor you ever smelled." Dude, I see the smells, I hear the
flavors!
This article originally appeared in Mystery Date: One Gal's
Guide To Good Stuff.
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