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 Some Helpful Advice For Our Newest Town By Emil Franzi NOW THAT THE impossible has actually occurred and 3,000 people who live on 22 square miles on the far northwest side have been incorporated into the Town of Tortolita, it's time for them to get on with the business of governing. The Tortolitans are unique in seeking to secure an ultra-low-density residential community, and we offer the following suggestions to aid their new town council in establishing their image. Unlike Marana, this town won't need to pay a public relations firm. TOWN SLOGAN: "The few, the proud." "Don't even think about it." "Where people come ahead of development." "Don't screw with the cactus." "The town too tough to grow." TOWN MOTTO: Rancho sin Wal-Mart.
TOWN SONG: "What part of no don't you understand?" TOWN SIGNS: East: "Leaving Tortolita--beware Oro Valley speed traps." West: "Beware of Marana sand sharks." South: "Entering Casas Adobes--beware of Ed Moore." SISTER CITY: Bastogne, Belgium, where they understand being completely surrounded and under fire from all sides. TOWN MASCOT: Porcupine. TOWN PLANT: Jumping cholla cactus. TOWN FLAG: Don't tread on me. STREET NAMES: Change Tangerine Road portion to "Theodore Roosevelt Parkway". Switch La Cholla to "Ed Abbey Boulevard" (OK, maybe not--Abbey would've wanted a dirt road.) TOWN LEGAL COUNSEL: Nasty, Brutish & Short; Southwest Center for Biological Diversity; Bill Risner. TOWN MAGISTRATE: The Hon. Roy Bean IV. TOWN MARSHALL: Stevan Seagal.
DRESS CODE: Anybody wearing a suit to a town council meeting
will see his request automatically denied.
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TOWN LOGO: A mountain lion biting a bulldozer in half,
rampant on a field of saguaros and ironwood trees.
