Feeling Nauseous The Latest Keanu Reeves Flick Is Even Less Interesting Than Minnesota. By Stacey Richter WILL SOMEONE OUT there please write in and explain what the deal is with Keanu Reeves? Why is this stiff fellow--who delivers all his lines like he's reading them off of cue cards, and who has only two facial expressions (confused and perplexed)--a movie star? It's true, there are many beloved actors who can't or couldn't exactly act: John Wayne, Jack Nicholson (in the latter days) and Marilyn Monroe among them, but these performers at least have enormous reserves of personal appeal and charisma that make them fascinating when they appear on screen, despite their lack of craft. They embody what it means to be a movie star. Keanu Reeves may be a babe, but a star he is not. That's right, once again Keanu Reeves has turned in a stiff and disappointing performance, further mangling an already mangled movie, Feeling Minnesota, the debut effort from writer/director Steven Baigleman. Feeling Minnesota seems to be trying to cash in on the success of Fargo, in a loose kind of way. Like Fargo, it's being advertised as a "black comedy" (though it's not funny). Like Fargo, the title subtly hints that the story takes place in the northern part of the United States (though Feeling Minnesota fails to invest any meaning or interest in this sense of place). But unlike Fargo, Feeling Minnesota fails to be clever or surprising or beautiful or make much sense. I don't know who it is in the movie who is actually feeling Minnesota. I myself have never felt that way. Feeling Minnesota in the story of Freddie (Cameron Diaz), a young woman who's being forced by her mobster boyfriend Red (the magnetic Delroy Lindo) to marry a scummy, annoying drug dealer named Sam, annoyingly played by Vincent D'Onofrio. The how's and why's of this forced marriage are sort of glossed over, as are most of the improbable occurrences in the script. (We in the audience will believe anything as long as it's well explained--that's what movies are all about. Slime-covered, flesh-eating parasites living inside dog intestines? Well, why not?) But while the guests at the wedding reception are still working on the cake, Freddie has spotted Sam's cute-guy brother, Jjaks (Keanu Reeves) and proceeds to bed him, so to speak, on the bathroom floor. The fact that all the characters--Red, Jjaks, Freddie, Sam--have such stupid names is indicative of the amateur level of the screenplay. This is writer/director Steven Baigleman's first effort and unfortunately it shows. Though Baigleman is competent as a director on a technical and visual level (which is more than I can say about some celebrated filmmakers, like John Sayles), the screenplay and handling of the actors simply sucks. The combination of inept acting and a limp screenplay merge so seamlessly in this movie that it's hard to tell which is the more gruesome sin. Certainly, a better script would have helped the actors. And maybe some decent performances could have saved the script. To give credit where it's due, some of the smaller parts are handled well; Delroy Lindo and Courtney Love (that's right) are both quite good in peripheral roles. But Keanu anchors the story, and Keanu drags it down. He and Diaz make a lethal pair. Together they try to flee across the country to Las Vegas, the town of Freddie's dreams. A place she loves because "there's no bedtime!" she childishly exclaims to the oddly named Jjaks. (For a moment, I had hopes Feeling Minnesota would turn into a boy-girl love version of Rainman.) But alas, Freddie is not retarded; she just wants to be a showgirl, but first she has to claim her loser pedigree by cheating all the men in her life out of all of their money for no apparent reason. At the center of this film are the conflicts and trials of brotherly love, as Sam and Jjaks battle it out over Freddie. The brothers hate each other and love each other, but mostly they scream at each other. Baigleman falls into the trap of many first-time directors who mistakenly believe screaming (and punching) equals true drama, when in reality it's merely irritating. There is nothing quite like watching Keanu Reeves woodenly scream and punch another actor for two hours; in fact, maybe this is the source of his appeal: He's so bad, it's fascinating. Feeling Minnesota opens September 13 at Foothills (742-6174) and Catalina (881-0616) cinemas.

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