Thursday | Friday | Saturday | Sunday | Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday Thursday 15 YOU SAY TATER. Legend has it that old Baseball players never die, they just turn into tubers. Case in point: The Tucson Oldtimers, lovingly known as the T.O.T.S, hit Hi Corbett field at 6:40 p.m. to open for the Tucson Toros. Comprised of sportsters ages 60 and up, these generationally challenged boys of summer will play an exhibition round before the big sun goes down. The Toros themselves take on the Vancouver Canadians at 7:30 p.m., and you can subsequently douse resulting fears of the pending Golden Years with beer and sodas for a buck from the Toros first pitch all the way to 9:30 p.m. Tickets are $3 to $6. Call 325-2621 for tickets and infomation. Friday 16 BUSTING CHOPS. Sheep-chasing juveniles, known in the biz as mutton-busters, will open the second annual Desert Thunder Pro Rodeo today through Sunday at the Tucson Convention Center, 260 S. Church Ave. We'll defer any livestock symbolism to the shrinks, but Thunder promoter Michael Harrelson also says top-notch cowhands from across the land will descend upon Tucson's concrete palace this weekend, including bullrider Scott Mendes, saddle bronc man Steve Dollarhide, and big-time barrel racer Sherry Cervi. Gates open at 7 p.m. Friday and Saturday, with a Sunday matinee starting at 1 o'clock. All seats are reserved. Tickets are $16.50 for the lower sections, $12.50 for all other areas, and $5 for children under 11. On Sunday, two kids can get in for $5 when accompanied by one full-priced, full-grown shit-kicker. Call 721-1621 for details. BUSTING GUTS. Are you the funniest person you know, yet friends caution you to safeguard your day job? Do they stare blank-faced as you describe uproarious routines involving housepets, leather and a nude ventriloquist's dummy named Homer? Well, show those deadpan acquaintances the rest of humanity digs your comic genius at Stellar Cellar's Speak for Fun Night, starting at 8 p.m. Sponsored by Supporting and Promoting Ethics for the Animal Kingdom (SPEAK), this booze-free, open-mike night is also wide-open to musicians, "some talented, some decidedly untalented," according to SPEAK spokeswoman Roberta Wright. Soft drinks and light grub will be offered gratis at this budding nightspot, although a donation jar will be floating about, Wright says. The Cellar is at 3335 E. Grant Road For information, call 883-2488. Saturday 17 A MERE TRUFFLE. Heavenly Desserts offers another celestial workshop with Thomas Kaj Berstorff, pastry maker to the stars. Berstorff, 72, has conjured confections for kings, presidents and sweet-toothed recluse Howard Hughes. The world-famous chef even baked a few birthday cakes for Ronald Reagan. Rumor has it the Gipper was such a fan he regularly concealed gooey strudels beneath his ironclad coif, thus rendering him a trickle-down legend. Now you can join the exclusive coterie at 7123 N. Oracle Road for a mere $35, as Berstorff fires up another baking class, this time focusing on coconut truffles, raspberry coco truffles and chocolate "Jimmy" (Carter?) truffles. The session is scheduled from 9.m. to noon, and space is limited. Leslie Ulm, Heavenly catering director, requests payment in advance so the workshops can get right down to business. And torte reform hits the skids at 9.m. Saturday, August 31, when Chef Berstorff teaches how to make fruit varieties, not to mention melon gondolas and decorative ice cream delights. For information call 575-1162. BUT IT'S A WRY HEAT. Smokey the Bear will beat a hasty retreat as the jocular Chiliheads of Arizona spark up their first annual Fire in the Foothills Chili Cook-off to benefit the Tucson Nonprofit Council. Three bucks gets you a cup and entre into the best stewpots the Copper State has to offer, with all proceeds headed for the council's coffers. The Chiliheads are known as an ornery, albeit charitable, bunch, and their capsicum firestorm will be accompanied by skits from the Third Street Kids, who prove that physical disabilities can't keep a good show down. Tucson's own Top Dog and Handi-Dogs trainers will be on hand to run canines through their helping-hand paces, while Clowns, face painters and dancers will further spice the whole affair, topped by $1 raffle tickets (or 6 for $5, or "an arm's length" for $8) on sale all afternoon for a gaggle of prizes. Less rambunctious than the Heads, the Tucson Nonprofit Council is nonetheless a highly touted clearinghouse for local agencies, offering everything from literacy classes for adults to grant-writing seminars--and they richly deserve a hand, not to mention a handful of donations. Their tasting frenzy runs from 1 to 3 p.m. at the Foothills Mall, 7401 North La Cholla Blvd., with entertainment continuing until 5 p.m. Call 886-6500 for details. Sunday 18 MYSTERY DISH. If you've ever privately wondered about those green, fleshy things mired deep in Aunt Gert's Lima Bean Surprise, then you'll be right in step with mystery/food writer JoAnne Pence. Following on the heels of her culinary whodunits Cooking Up Trouble, Too Many Cooks, and Something's Cooking, Pence will sign copies of her latest offering, Cooking Most Deadly, from 2 to 4 p.m. at the Clues Unlimited bookstore, located in Broadway Village at Broadway and Country Club Road. This time out, Pence's food critic protagonist gumshoes after yet another killer with notoriously bad taste and horrendous moral halitosis. Call 326-8533 for information. Monday 19 FRILL THRILLS. Whimsical genius Robin Williams joins Gene Hackman and Nathan Lane in The Birdcage, this year's Hollywood reprise of the French classic La Cage Aux Folles, now showing at the Gallagher Theater on the University of Arizona campus. Williams plays gay club owner Armand Goldman, who shacks up with long-time beau and drag star Albert, played by Lane. But Armand's son Val (Dan Futterman) rejects his father's footsteps, instead hankering after the daughter of a right-wing, antisemetic homophobe senator (Hackman). Fearing culture clash, poor Val tries to prod his eccentric family back into the closet just a bit. Hilarity ensues. And Hackman's character is to be praised for not squawking when pirated by a whole cast of clean-cut understudies at last week's Republican Convention. Call 621-3102 for show times--at Gallagher Theater, that is. Tuesday 20 HEARTFELT SHALOM. You can help a passle of families send their kids off to school by donating everything from pens and pencils to socks, underwear and jeans to the Tucson Shalom House, 3857 North Oracle Road. An outgrowth of the Tucson Ecumenical Council, the Shalom House has sheltered more than 300 single mothers and their children since its 1988 inception, and also helps those who have successfully moved back into the community. "Right now, it's difficult for these mothers when they're told about all things their children will need to start school," says Executive Director Debra Owen. "They hear that and their eyes roll back in their heads because they don't have any money for those things. That's where we try to help." Shalom House will accept donations from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday, and 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturdays. For information, call 292-5667. Wednesday 21 SPACE ROCK. Life on Mars or just adolescent magma with acne problems? Well, we still don't know diddly about that little chunk of real estate recently retrieved from Planet X, or why it has eggheads all in a tizzy. But Pink Floyd? Hey man, we mouth breathers have dug their cosmic trip since the days when we sported zits of our own. Now you can catch a glimpse of Floyd's meteoric legacy at the Flandrau Science Center's planetarium on the University of Arizona campus beginning at 8:30 p.m. tonight and Thursday, August 22. Flandrau's schedule expands on Friday with Psychedelic Hog, a blast from the paisley past with Hendrix, the Moody Blues, etc., at 8:30 p.m.; Lollapalaser, a retro look at five years of the glitzy mega-tour at 9:30 p.m.; the Rolling Stones vs. Aerosmith at 10:45 p.m.; and Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon at midnight. Saturday's schedule is the same, with the exception of Metallica substituting for the Stones/Aerosmith in the 10:45 slot. For information, call 626-6267. City Week includes events selected by Calendar Editor Mari Wadsworth. Event information is accurate as of press time. The Weekly recommends calling event organizers to check for last-minute changes in location, time, price, etc.

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