THIS IS A bad time of year; no doubt about it. Heat, humidity, reruns on TV and nothing in the sports pages except baseball. The last part is especially tough on me because I'm a reader. Incessant, unapologetic, voracious. I'm like that episode of The Odd Couple where Felix and Oscar go away to a monastery to escape the pressures of modern-day life and Felix catches Oscar reading the toothpaste tube just to get some visual-verbal stimulation.
I love reading the sports pages. I read both dailies plus the Sporting News, several magazines, and I also get USA Today, the journalistic equivalent of Chinese food. Thirty minutes after you read it, you get a hunger for the L.A. Times.
You know that it's a bad time of year when you go through the USA Today sports page and find yourself reading the little (agate) type stuff on the next-to-last page.
Twice.
I've been doing that since the NBA draft ended and I'll continue doing it until Labor Day.
Actually, I've learned some really neat stuff reading that page. Why, here are some of the things I read in just two days last week:
• A 19-year-old Argentine soccer fan was stabbed to death as different factions of Argentine supporters clashed after their team's Copa America game with Chile in Uruguay. Apparently, there is long-standing animosity between "barras bravas," the notorious Argentine supporter clubs.
Wow, I can hear it now. One group yells, "Kill Chile!," then the other yells, "No, beat Chile, kill our fellow Argentine fans."
Or maybe they shout back and forth, "We've got switchblades, yes we do! We've got switchblades, how 'bout you?"
• Louisiana State football coach Gerry DiNardo suspended two players for their involvement in a weekend brawl. A third player was also involved, but he was already on suspension. Says DiNardo: "This further jeopardizes any future he has with the LSU football program."
Yeah, now he's on double secret probation.
• Sweden's Tomas Leandersson and Raymond Jansson broke the men's doubles record and Kanit Kitchatham and Phetchara Kaewsuk earned Thailand's first Gold Medal in the 13th Federation Internationale Des Quilleurs World Championship Tenpin Bowling Championships in Reno, Nevada. (Do you realize that people actually get paid for reporting and typing this stuff into a computer? Other than myself, I mean.) The Swedish duo broke the record set in 1987 by Sweden's Ulf Haemnaes and Ulf Bolleby.
Good old Ulf and Ulf.
• The Jacksonville Jaguars signed cornerback Eric Stephens to fill the last vacancy on their 90-man training camp list. The spot opened up when tight end Ty Hallock, traded from Detroit, decided to retire rather than join the expansion team.
Now there's the definition of job security. Being the 90th guy on a 45-man roster. Actually, he has reason to be optimistic. He just moved up from 91st.
• Driver Benny Parsons and team owner Raymond Parks were elected to the National Motorsports Press Association Hall of Fame.
They can both die happy now. They've reached the pinnacle.
Actually, I wonder how a driver and owner get to be in the Press Association Hall of Fame. What did they do, buy a couple rounds after Daytona?
• Mikko, a raccoon in the Disney movie Pocahantas, will be the mascot for the Baltimore Bandits, an expansion team in the American hockey league. The logo will feature a snarling Mikko brandishing a hockey stick.
The Bandits are the top minor-league affiliate of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, a National Hockey League team owned and operated by the Disney Company.
We trust the Disney people did their homework on this one, after learning that the spelling they used for Pumbaa (from The Lion King) means "smegma" in Swahili. If you don't know what smegma is, look it up. You'll never be able to look at Pumbaa again in quite the same way.
Even if they messed up with Mikko, it's okay. Hockey is such a good, clean family sport, anyway. Besides, raccoons don't need their front teeth, do they?
• Cellular phone records indicate Louisville assistant men's basketball coach Larry Gay made at least five calls to a former volunteer strength coach allegedly involved in possible recruiting violations.
Wow, they keep records of cellular phone calls?! Good thing O.J. Simpson was smart enough not to use his the night he butchered his wife and her friend.
