A Mishmash Of Baseball Trivia For the Heat-Addled. By Tom Danehy WELL, THE MAJOR-league baseball season is half over. I guess I should say something nice about it. No wait, I already did. It's half over. Baseball with a capital "B" is trying its damnedest to put a positive spin on things. They've announced attendance is up from last year, which is like saying they're only bleeding from six bodily orifices instead of eight. Sure, attendance is up from last year, but it's still way down from two years ago before the strike that killed the World Series and almost took Baseball with it. Baseball is like that megalomaniac Japanese moron Mishima who tried to commit hara-kiri in front of a large audience but when thrust came to shove, he didn't have the guts. Still, Baseball staggers along on reputation and dumb luck. It's got some interesting pennant races going. Last year's World Series teams aren't coasting along as many thought they would be. St. Louis and San Diego are actually in first place in their respective divisions. And teams in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago are all doing well. There is also the juiced ball that keeps flying out of the ballparks at a record pace. Of course, officials deny the ball has been juiced, but there is some anecdotal evidence to back up the assertion. For example, there was that one home run that traveled 450 feet into the stands, where it hit the wares of a cotton-candy salesman, bouncing off one of the rolled paper cones and flying another 75 feet up into the stands. Seriously, how's this for evidence? At the All-Star break, 39 American Leaguers were on a pace to drive in at least 100 runs this season. The league record for a season is 18. And at the current pace, the number of major leaguers who could end up with at least 30 home runs this season would be triple the old record. Of course, some of it has to do with the recent expansion and lousy pitching, which is why Baseball is probably looking forward to the next round of expansion which will bring us the Arizona Diamondbacks in a couple of seasons. Some of Baseball's high- (but mostly low-) lights thus far this season: • Cleveland Indians outfielder Albert Belle, who, if he couldn't hit a baseball would be a ward of the state--tranked to the gills and taking origami classes--has been on his best behavior this year. All he's done is start a brawl with a cheap shot to a second baseman's head, hit a photographer with a thrown baseball, curse a fan, and refuse to undergo counseling as ordered by the ballclub. Belle claims it's all a smear campaign orchestrated by the media. Damn that Katie Couric. First Bob Dole and now Albert Belle. • Last week's mid-season classic, the All-Star Game, had the lowest Nielsen ratings of any prime-time All-Star game ever. In fact the only All-Star Game with a lower rating was in 1969 when it got rained out and had to be played the next day during the daytime to accommodate the players' travel schedules. On the upside, in selected cities, it did manage to have a higher rating than the powerhouse WB Network lineup of The Parent 'Hood and Sister, Sister. • Bud Selig is going on his fifth year as "interim" baseball commissioner. Apparently, Bud thinks "interim" is Latin for "as long as you can get away with it." • Darryl Strawberry is back in Baseball. No punchline could top that. • California Angels pitcher Jim Abbott is having one of the worst seasons in major-league baseball history. At the break, he was 1-11 with an earned-run average of 7.60. The all-time record worst for a season is 7.71. Abbott, who has always been praised for overcoming a handicap (he has no right hand), is now managing to avoid criticism for the same reason. That shouldn't be the case. He has always wanted to be treated like every other ballplayer, and he should get his wish. Take away his pitching record and the Angels would be in second place instead of last. • New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner fired 40 low-level employees, claiming sagging attendance (but he was probably pissed off at ending up on the cutting-room floor in that God-awful season-ending episode of Seinfeld). One of those fired was 74-year-old clubhouse doorman Charlie Zabransky. The players got together, kicked in some money and "bought" his job back. • On John Franco Appreciation Day at Shea Stadium in New York, John Franco his own self was kicked out of the game for participating in a bench-clearing brawl. Being New Yorkers, everyone then appreciated him just a little bit more. • Six-foot-three, 250-pound New York Mets outfielder Butch Huskey, who lives up to both of his names, stole home against the Pirates. Not to be outdone, Detroit Tiger Cecil Fielder, who is listed at 250 (but it doesn't say whether it's pounds or kilos), stole his first base in 1,100 career games. • Finally, Baseball is working under new hurry-up rules to cut down the length of games. This month the Dodgers and Rockies played the longest nine-inning game in National League history, clocking in at four hours, 20 minutes. Even more incredibly, the Baltimore Orioles have played the three longest nine-inning games in American League history, and they played all three in a span of 29 days a couple months ago. I'm going to be in both Baltimore and New York later this year. I plan on visiting Edgar Allan Poe's house and the subway shrine to Bernhard Goetz. I won't be going anywhere near Yankee Stadium or Camden Yards.

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