A. Bradley Dongas III, Vice President in Charge of Sucking Up
at The Tucson Weekly, Inc., initially majored in middle management
at the University of Arizona. Attracted by the UA's exaggerated
"party school" reputation, Dongas soon learned that
he would actually have to study, so after two weeks he switched
his major to mass communications.
"The mass communications industry in America exists because
even 'C' students need employment," Dongas recently testified
before the U.S. Congress, another major employer of the academically
mediocre.
Before assuming his duties at The Weekly, Dongas spent a decade researching the effects of various drugs and industrial solvents. That project ended, however, when his parents finally kicked him out of the house.
"The money was lousy," he recalls. "But I met
some interesting hallucinations."
With nothing better to do, and no hope of real employment since he possessed only mass communication skills, Dongas founded the Angry White Guy Movement, Inc. and single-handedly the vast underground political power that today is responsible for Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh and the popular TV show Baywatch.
"Hey, take away David Hasslehoff's hunky good looks, curly dark hair and his job hanging out with bikini-clad babes, and whaddya got? Just another angry white guy," Dongas points out.
The father of numerous children, some of whom he actually supports,
Dongas' hobbies include drinking beer, small mammalian taxidermy
and driving around Tucson late at night with no clothes on.
"I really enjoy working at The Weekly," he says. "Sometimes they even let you watch Baywatch."
