DEAR NBA OWNER:
Please consider me for the general manager's position with your club. The odds are that you'll be considering making a switch following this year's draft. I just want my letter to be the first on file.
I'm actually writing to you before the 1995 NBA draft in an effort to convince you that I know how to draft players for the NBA, certainly better than the people you now have working for you.
Personally, I think they may be running a scam on you. Spending six figures' worth of your money on psychological tests and bringing guys in to work out for the coaches. It's a joke.
You don't need psychological tests. Just give 'em a spelling test. If they flunk, you know they're from Michigan and you don't want them on your team.
Ask them a couple simple questions. Ask them if they would rather have a monster dunk or two layups in a game. If they choose the dunk, they're probably from Michigan and you don't want them on your team.
Then ask them if, in their next life, would they rather come back as a school teacher or a pimp. If they answer pimp, let whatever team Derrick Coleman is on draft him. Derrick needs somebody to look up to.
Remember, almost every rule has an exception. It's weird how that works out. But don't believe that stuff about the exception proving the rule. That's just stupid. It's been documented that that statement originated in Michigan.
Here are some of the rules, in no particular order:
1. Don't draft big white stiffs. They'll break your heart. They can disguise their various shortcomings in the college game, but get to the NBA and they're plain to see. The Emperor has no clothes; the big white boy has no game.
Whoever drafted Kansas' Greg Ostertag and Oklahoma State's Bryant Reeves wasted their picks. They should have drafted the guy who played Norm on Cheers. At least you can count on him to be in one place and take up space, and all for beer money.
Look at the five white stiffs who played center for the Bulls and Suns this season. Put 'em all together and what do you have? A 35-foot long marshmallow that likes to get dunked on.
2. Don't draft anybody from Indiana. By the time Bobby Knight is through with them, he's squeezed every ounce of basketball out of them.
He doesn't recruit pro-type players. He gets run-through-the-brick-wall types who out-hustle everybody and beat superior talent through teamwork. (Exception: Isiah Thomas.)
3. Don't draft anybody named Reggie. Reggie isn't a basketball name.
The only exception is Reggie Miller, and he's one of the biggest jerks of all time. The only good thing I can think of about anybody named Reggie is that the one in the comic book prefers Veronica over Betty. But that's just not enough to go on.
4. Draft people from Arizona. They may not be All-Pro players, but they're solid and they generally play hard (Exception: Sean Rooks). This coming season, 20 percent of the teams in the league will have a Wildcat in the starting lineup.
As for this year's Cat crop, whoever picked Damon Stoudamire got a winner. The heck with his height; he's a player. He'll make it in the NBA.
Conversely, Ray Owes is a puzzle. He was considered a sure thing not that long ago, but he's turned into the basketball equivalent of that Steve Martin book, How To Turn A Million In Real Estate Into $100 Cash. In order to find a basketball job, this dude's going to have to go so far into Eastern Europe he'll bump into Ed Stokes.
5. Don't draft high school kids. I don't care how good they are; it's just not right. You're damaging the kid for life. A grand total of one player (Moses Malone) made the successful transition from high school to the pros.
Seattle's Shawn Kemp never played in college, mostly because he couldn't spell college. He's an illiterate dunking machine who can't play enough real basketball to get his team past the first round of the playoffs. If he were on my team, I'd trade him for a second-round draft pick and four bags of Doritos.
6. Don't draft anybody from Michigan (or ASU for that matter). It doesn't surprise me at all that there are more great players in the NBA from Central Arkansas State than there are from Michigan. Look at the former Michigan players: Glen Rice, who shoots too much but scores too little. Jalen Rose is a loser. Chris Webber is a loser with a fat mouth. Juwan Howard is okay, only because he had enough sense to use some of his NBA money to hire somebody to complete his college education for him.
There aren't any draftable players from Michigan this year, but there's a Michigan type in ASU's Mario Bennett. Lots of talent, too much lip, not enough heart.
The Bill Frieder link between the two "schools" surprises me not. Both places are alike. The exit requirements at Michigan and ASU require the student to recite one phrase which will carry them through life: "Paper or plastic?"
Sincerely,
Tom
