HUB RUB: Dear Hannah,
I'm planning on having a wedding ceremony to be witnessed by 250 of my closest friends, but I have a small problem: I have a crummy job as a state legislator, and since the chintzy voters consistently refuse to give me a lousy pay raise, I'm a tad short. I don't want my future wife, whose father is a big mover and shaker in the AFL-CIO, to think my pockets are as empty as my head, so I've come up with a plan to pay for beverages. I've asked a few friends who lobby for small organizations, like the Arizona Licensed Beverage Association and the Tobacco Institute, to suggest to my pals they cough up a few bucks to pay for the booze, say $19. I know that's an odd amount, but you know those silly rules about lobbyist gifts. This way a lobbyist and spouse can both get in under the $10 limit. Someone has mentioned this may not look good, but really, who cares?
Also, please advise me on the following: My future wife and I have longed for a trip to the Caribbean. Would it be okay to ask for cash on the wedding invitations and mention it's for the honeymoon? We just don't need another vibrator.
Prince Phillip Hubbard
D-Tucson
Dear Prince,
Sorry it took so long to answer, but, unlike you, I have been looking at silly stuff like teen pregnancy and lousy public schools in this state. But alas, I know what kind of work goes into putting on a nice spring wedding.
Heard you had a liquor industry lobbyist return the $19 gifts. Too bad; returning gifts is just so tacky--especially when it looks like you're exchanging them to save face. At least you didn't apologize. May I suggest your next bash be a b.y.o.b. (bring your own bribe)? This gives guests the option of money, trades, votes, etc.
As far as asking for money on wedding invitations: superb idea! After five terms, you deserve a glamorous honeymoon, and, as you so delicately stated, you've got enough appliances. (Though you might have considered one that deflates ego and elevates honesty.) I would never suggest you go to some cozy town in your home state like we commoners might do.
Helpful Hannah Hint: If you have any problems bringing back gifts for lobbyists, just tell customs officials how important you are in Arizona. I'm sure they'll recognize you. (By the way, I hear they don't have speed limits on the islands, so rent a Vespa and go to it.)
P.S.
Anyway, Phil, good luck on what I hope will be a longer marriage than a political career.
Cheers,
Hannah
All's fair in love and politics, warriors.
--Hannah Glasston
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