ACCORDING TO RELIABLE press reports, there are approximately 300 members of the Arizona Militia in the general area of Kingman. They are currently outnumbered by reporters from various print and electronic media by at least 5 to 1, and by public information officers of federal agencies by 2 to 1.
One of our inside informants told us the militia planned a night exercise, away from their Kingman base and all the attention, by having all their members meet at midnight in front of the home of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. All 306 members of the militia received their orders. Here's what happened:
--82 didn't respond because they were federal undercover agents.
--123 didn't because they'd sold out and were government informants.
--17 couldn't start their cars.
--9 ran out of gas before reaching Maricopa County.
--4 more ran out of gas after reaching Maricopa County.
--7 had wives who wouldn't let them go.
--5 had mothers who wouldn't let them go.
--12 drove the wrong way and were somewhere in Nevada.
--23 blew it off to stay home and watch late-night TV.
--8 got to Phoenix but went to the wrong address.
--5 were too embarrassed to admit they'd sold off all their ammo for beer money and claimed they were sick.
--2 actually were sick.
--4 planned to go but got mixed up on the day.
Which left one dedicated member of the Arizona militia to show up at the designated spot at the right time, Horace Bandoleer of Oatman. Horace waited for 45 minutes and, when nobody else showed up, went to the nearest Waffle House for the all-you-can-eat special, where he was busted by state troopers, not for militia activities, but for the recruiting techniques he tried on a waitress named Thelma.
Next week: "Inside the Arizona Militia" continues when we probe the question "How can you be accused of producing hate literature when you don't know how to read or write?"
--Emil Franzi
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