IF A SUCKER ANSWERS, HANG UP: How many times have you picked up the ringing phone only to hear silence, followed by a mysterious click? How many people are becoming suspicious of their spouse or significant other because of these funny calls? How many believe the federal government is now listening to our every word? Relax, kids--it's probably just another annoying aspect of the already annoying Telemarketing industry. Those creepy telephone boiler rooms across the country are now working off computer programs designed to maximize calling time and wring the most effort out of telephone solicitors. The computer is dialing ahead while the previous call is still uncompleted. Through the wonder of modern technology, it randomly selects and dials several numbers, almost simultaneously allowing those slimeball solicitors to select the next sucker on the line. It also leaves other people hanging with a dead line when they pick up the call. The telemarketing folks consider that Somebody Else's Problem. Annoying? You bet. But you don't know who to scream at. Even better, your phone number will be recycled and you can expect a call later. Super-sophisticated systems track at-home responses and move those to the top of the pile. A couple of the biggest offenders are telephone companies and banks. And if you ever said "yes" to any of them, chances are good your name is flagged in a computer somewhere, meaning you'll get hit even more often. There oughta be a law. VALLEY VOTING: We were pleased to see the daily papers, particularly the Tucson Citizen, actually give some column inches to the recent Oro Valley election. Now let's hope they'll do the same for our upcoming county and statehouse races, particularly the primaries. But here are a few salient points the dailies' newshounds missed: The incumbent team of Mayor Cheryl Skalsky and Vice-mayor Paul Parisi were re-elected with support from the Oro Valley development community. Must mean they're sell-outs who'll both roll over for the cementheads, right? Not this time. As we say around here, politics is often a matter of compared-to-what. The current Oro Valley Town Council has played tough with developers in the past. Cosmetically, they've busted them for tagging Oro Valley streets with their billboards. More recently, they've imposed de facto water impact fees over the objections of the Southern Arizona Home Builders Association. And Oro Valley had development impact fees for over a year while the county stalled--albeit modest ones. The problem facing the OV council--and any other elected body in this valley--is: What do you do with all the stuff your predecessors have given away--everything from zonings to water rights? Skalsky and Parisi recognize that unfortunate fact of life. Some other folks, including Oro Valley Town Councilwacko Rudy Roszak, don't. And while the anti-incumbent gang's goal of restricting growth is popular, they simply don't have a clue how to pull it off--or if it's even possible in some areas. For example, Paul Loomis and John Clarke, the two principle anti-growth challengers, joined Roszak at one point in calling for massive increases in impact fees. Unfortunately, state law requires local communities to match impact fees collected for road improvements. Legally, councils can't just stick it to the builders without coughing up a lot of taxpayer dollars. And the Oro Valley coffers don't have the revenue, unless the council imposes a property tax--suicide for any elected official. Likewise, Roszak doesn't seem to grasp that weaning Oro Valley golf courses from groundwater cannot be done by simple decree. Although it probably shouldn't have happened, developers have been granted certain rights. One unfortunate condition of the buy-out of the Vistoso Water Company by the Town of Oro Valley was that the developer conceded his right to drill more wells and he's obligated to stop using groundwater for golf by the year 2000. That's rational public policy. So during this last Oro Valley election, developers were faced with two choices--a couple of rational incumbents who, while supporting restrained growth, understood the limitations of political power, versus a couple of guys who had hooked up with Roszak, forming a hostile-but-clueless alliance. The developers went with the folks they could work with. The good news for those who sympathize with just about anybody who's beating up developers is that the Oro Valley election was hardly a mandate for more subdivisions. Those checks from the developers cost Skalsky and Parisi votes. But their re-election means they can continue to do their best to bring stability to a town where recall elections are a way of life. The big winner was Al Jakubauskas, who led the ticket, moving up from last in the primary to first in the general. And before any more people read the Oro Valley election as some kind of pro-growth victory, note the one candidate the developers really poured money into, Matt Moutafis, ran dead last. FOLLOW THE BOUNCING BUCKS: A perusal of Supervisor Mikey Boyd's financial disclosure sheets by Pima County citizen curmudgeon Samuel Winchester Morey has revealed that Mikey has, on two occasions, made a total of $300 in contributions from his Board of Supes campaign to the campaign of Congressman Jim Kolbe from his own campaign funds, which Morey claimed was a violation of campaign finance law. Sorry, Sam. It appears that statute doesn't count if you're transferring funds from a local or state campaign to a federal campaign. Don't know where that interpretation came from, but it means it is legal. And we're sure Mikey's contributors will be happy to know he's happier giving away their money than his own. TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS: Remember Rep. Jean McGrath, the Glendale Republican whose biggest claim to fame was pushing through 1995's idiotic legislation legalizing the production of CFCs in Arizona? Earlier this year, the Glendale Granny, who runs a plant nursery in addition to her legislative duties, managed to have the roses in front of the Capitol replaced with pansies. Well, spies tell The Skinny, the unseasonable heat a few weeks back left the pansies wilting, so Jean charged into the flowerbed and began ripping the flowers out. Imagine her surprise when the Capitol's sprinkler system kicked into gear, leaving her thoroughly drenched.

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