![[Eighth Day]](../images/eighth.gif)
IMMODEST PROPOSAL: Man, I do not get out enough. Why didn't someone tell me there were gobs of gorgeous guys tanning every inch of their buff bods and warm rocks--I mean on warm rocks--out in the desert? It's enough to make a girl oil up her old leather Red Wings and find a trail to hike on.
This controversy over the nude tanners near Tanque Verde Falls is mostly over thanks to the Forest Service's correctly benign response to the situation. Sorry Naturists, but as much as you don't want gawkers with guns, we don't want invasive signs.
I ventured as far as the Sabino Canyon tram recently, where I overheard two elderly non-gentlemen oozing over the black bikini-covered breasts of a woman hiking down the road. "Boy, I'd love to get my hand around one of those," gushed Guy With Gut No. 1. GWG No. 2 snorted approval.
Then it hit me. Nudity in the Falls area has heretofore attracted so little attention because, by and large, the nudes in view are, apparently, mostly men.
Which brings me to my Immodest Proposal regarding how to save the world from self-destruction during these Sodom-like times and turn this seal-on-a-rock phenomenon into a golden, money-making Tanque Verde See World.
In a nutshell, or a C cup, I unhumbly propose that we hire loads of women stripped to the toes willing to sun their bodies in a true effort to save the area for future generations. Of course we're talking federally-funded, part-time work (read: no benefits to pay). Welfare recipients would be encouraged to apply.
More federal jobs would be created as the Forest Service copes with the increase in tourism. Trail guides, ticket takers, and desert valet parking help would empty temporary employment offices. Law-and-order professionals would be needed to rough up obscene hecklers and arrest those caught touching without a permit (refer to code book compiled by Wilderness Nudity Standards Commission).
Pima County would employ a crew to erect--pun intended--and maintain appropriate signs such as, "Beware Bare Canyon Ahead," "Natural Scenic View," "Mound Area," etc. The privilege to stop at scenic view areas would be noted on mandatory hiking cards, requested and paid for in advance.
The Chamber of Commerce could distribute brochures with color-coded maps and directions to the High Sun Tea hour at the trailhead. Food, drink and female celebrity viewing days would amply fund trail maintainance and a necessary tram to the area to accommodate crowds.
But it's definitely seasonal, say October to April. Leave the summer months for those turkeys with boom boxes and charcoal grills who really endanger the outdoor experience for our kids.
See you at the Falls next winter, warriors.
--Hannah Glasston
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