SPACE ALIEN INVASION: So Gov. J. Fife Deadbeat III announces he'll veto the bill prohibiting Arizona lawmakers from accepting gifts from Lobbyists, and why? Because "gifts" would include professional services, and our bankrupt, incompetent jerk of a leader might need free legal advice and accounting services to haul his own disgustingly corrupt ass out of hot water in the coming months. In the halcyon days of yore, the upper classes, of which Gov. Deadbeat is a member, supposedly deserved the respect of the masses because--no joke--the top dogs were thought to have had higher standards than most of the rest of the mutts. Mass communications and the First Amendment pretty much shitcanned that charming little fiction. But, The Skinny asks, have the media gone too far in reporting and commenting on the foibles of our alleged social betters? Is it just us, or are you, too, feeling vaguely suspicious that the well-heeled upper classes, the so-called "Royals," and the shekel-farting sheiks of this world are, well, not quite indigenous to our beloved home planet? We confess that the more reportage we've absorbed, the more we've honestly come to fear that the glitterati and media darlings, the legends-in-their-own-times, the movie stars and political and financial powerbrokers, of which Fife is just another loathsome subspecies, aren't really from our humble earth at all. Perhaps we're suffering from too much media exposure, or simply from too many gut-wrenching revelations about the arrogant Fifester, but we suddenly find ourselves fighting the creepy feeling Western Culture in general and America in particular have been seized by a race of cold-hearted, avaricious space aliens bent on enslaving the masses. A paranoid delusion, you say? How else would you explain Newt Gingrich? Or Rush Limbaugh? Bill Clinton? Beverly Hills 90210? The Arizona Legislature? British royalty? O.J. Simpson? The massive and accelerating concentration of wealth in the U.S.? J. Fife Symington III? Olestra? The NRA? The Ozone hole? Super Models? Let's face it, this is not the stuff of normal Homo Sapiens--it's got to be some kind of space-alien plot. Those tales of widespread UFO abductions are just a cover for what's really going on: They're co-opting our leadership, our values, our environment and even our precious snack foods! And why? Obviously, because they screwed up their own planet so badly, and now they need to enslave us before expanding into ours. Why else would creatures--from whatever strange universe--behave so poorly? Would a pure and healthy species tolerate a Michael Jackson? We think not. Make no mistake about it, people: There's a sinister, parasitic beast loose upon the world today, one which is still gathering strength, a beast with many faces, but which will eventually rise up as one with bloody fangs to devour humanity. And they'd better not try telling us it's only rotten people with lots of money doing all this reprehensible stuff we keep seeing on TV and reading about--that's just alien propaganda designed to make us humans doubt our own worth, further hastening the demise of our once noble species. We refuse to believe people--real people--could be so vicious, small-hearted and just plain greedy. What will they tell us next--that it's OK to cut aid to the sick, the elderly and the poor? That the government won't prosecute you if you dump toxic chemicals? That you can help bankrupt an S&L with impunity? That you can waste the money of retired workers with equal impunity? That, as sentient beings, we shouldn't be devoting a lot of time and money to educate the young? That it's OK to cut old-growth forests? Ha! We're finally onto these aliens among us. We're watching them closely. You can bet there's gonna be hell to pay.... YOUTH PROGRAM: Forty-seven-year-old South Tucson Fire Chief Henry Vega has been proudly showing off his "fiancee" and introducing her around. What Vega has neglected to mention is that she's a 17-year-old who's been reported by her family as a runaway. We'd like to think all the folks behaving as if this were kosher are unaware of her age and status. Last time we checked, this was not only dirty-old-man behavior, but illegal to boot. MAYBE SOMEDAY THEY'LL FIGURE OUT WHERE BABIES COME FROM: Headline, Page One, Tucson Citizen: "Home prices here up 11% a year." Assistant Business Editor William Clements went on to paint a rosy deal for Tucson homeowners due to the great financial returns local folks are getting on their housing investments. Which we guess is a helluva deal if you're selling out and leaving town. However, as Clements did mention about 10 graphs into the story, higher home values also mean you'll be hit with higher tax assessments and you'll be paying more in property taxes. Excuse us, but a home for most folks is a whole lot more than an investment. It's also a place to live. When it grows in value, the only thing that most homeowners get is higher costs. And when you sell the house and move on to the next one, that costs you more too--so how'd ya win? We remember the whining by developers and real estate types a couple of months back over impact fees for new development. According to them, a couple of grand tacked on to the cost of a new house would price people out of the market and endanger "affordable housing." Maybe some brilliant cementhead from the growth lobby would like to explain to us what it does to "affordable housing" when the cost of an average home goes up three times the amount of the proposed impact fee in one year. Or what the impact on "affordable housing" is when taxes on an existing home gets so high you can't afford to pay them on the house you used to be able to afford. NOW THE FUN BEGINS: Off in the thriving village of Marana--otherwise known as Dogpatch--the environmental plunder continues. Drive on Tangerine Road a couple miles west of Thornydale and turn north on Tortolita Road--right by the cruddy US Home office for a new development called, with-out a trace of irony, Heritage Hills. This one is hard to believe, even for Dogpatch. How about 1,300 homes and a golf course on 550 acres? The only thing that'll be left in its "natural" state will be a couple of washes. Leading to this stucco (or is that "sucko"?) abomination will be a mile of four-lane parkway with a couple of major bridges over two other washes. And the sign at the development reads "Active Adult Living"--US Home--"Now the Fun Begins." It sure do, folks, because that four-lane parkway leads to a two-lane road called Tangerine, which has nothing but two-lane roads feeding it from Oracle Road to Interstate 10. And the developer has another 6,000 acres he plans to rape next. So who gets to pay for all the concrete and sewers and water lines and other stuff this development will need? Check with the rubes who run Marana and they'll just mumble about economic development--which to them means maybe their cousin can get a job in a new convenience store. AND SPEAKING OF MARANA RUBES: Here's a deep philosophical question: If you get enough rednecks, pickups, shotguns, stop signs, and enough bird shot--how long before one of the rednecks write a Shakespearean play in Braille? OBSCENITY IN PLAIN VIEW: We all remember when legendary land speculator Don Diamond got the votes of his three GOP stooges on the Pima County Board of Supes to rezone 90 acres for 950 apartments and 160 houses on River Road east of La Cholla Boulevard. This move destroyed an otherwise quiet neighborhood and will result in massive overcrowding at nearby Lulu Walker Elementary School as well as in other Amphi District schools. But hey, it was the Big Don, and he's one of town's leading developers, right? Wrong, cement-breath. We call him "legendary land speculator" because that's all he's ever been. He doesn't "develop" anything besides his massive personal fortune. And as proof, drive by that corner now and note the "For Sale--Zoned Apartments" signs on both sides of River Road. So whatever bullshit he gave the supes about what he was going to do was exactly that--pure bullshit. We know that two of the supes who voted for this rape were Paul Marsh and Mikey Boyd. Both are currently brown-nosing Diamond for campaign bucks, so their motivation is transparent -and morally bankrupt. But why would Special Ed Moore do this in his own district in an election year? Next time you drive up River and get to that for-sale sign on the north side of the road, please note the big house on the hill a few hundred yards north of the sign. That's the big parcel Special Ed himself lives on--and Diamond's deal obviously will increase Moore's property values. And you thought the awful stink you get in that area when the wind's right was coming from the sewage treatment plant.

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