More Proof That Life As We Know It Shows No Improvement.
By Jeff Smith
MORMON MEN GET to have as many wives as they need to take
care of business around the house, around the yard, around the
kitchen, the nursery, the bedroom, back seat of the car, wherever.
So one assumes that while Barbara Blewster is off to Phoenix to
assure fellow legislators Barbara Leff that she doesn't look Jewish,
and Tom Horne that he doesn't act Jewish, Mr. Blewster back in
Dewey is still getting his daily bread and his nightly nookie.
What? You say Mormons no longer practice polygamy? You say I'm
an insensitive bigot? Well you're right, of course, but I practice
the vices of ignorance and bigotry by way of turning Rep. Blewster's
prejudice and stupidity on its head, so she can bite herself in
her own nether-parts, if you will.
Or if you won't. I don't much care. Barbara Blewster may very
well be an able and effective representative of her constituency
in Dewey. At any rate she very likely is a representative representative.
Dewey, like Mayer, is one of those wide spots in the road after
you exit I-17 at Cordes Junction and head west toward Prescott
along Highway 69. (As an aside, are there any others out there
who used to steal the markers off that road, to decorate their
college apartments?) Dewey and Mayer once were cozy and picturesque
little ranching communities on the backroad from Hell to Heaven.
One could flee the urban squalor of Phoenix and seek the solace
of Arizona and America's last, great Norman Rockwell small town:
Prescott.
Today Prescott is turning into a Victorian Western theme park,
crawling with Phoenicians, Los Angelistas, even New Yorkers, and
virtually every mile of Highway 69 between Cordes and Whiskey
Row is lined with shit-box houses of the worst sort of sprawl.
It's one of the prominent cysts of this cancerous growth that
Barbara Blewster was elected to send to Phoenix to serve. Dewey,
Mayer, Prescott Valley, Chino Valley and Cherry--once quaint little
crossroads--are turning to pre-fab preposterousness. I would not
be entirely surprised to learn that a majority of her constituents
heartily approve of the moronic (which is not to say, "Mormonic")
stereotypes she is perpetuating in her public dialogue.
What she said, as reported in last week's dailies, issued out
of a late-night work session in the Legislature. House Republican
leadership kept the kids after school working on a budget, even
on Wednesday night, the first night of Passover. Hey, ain't no
thing: there are only two Jews in the state House. Who cares if
they miss Seder? Not the Republicans who run the House, and certainly
not Rep. Blewster. She expressed her surprise that Rep. Leff,
a Paradise Valley Republican, would object to working through
Passover, while the leadership promised that nobody would work
on Good Friday.
Leff reported that Blewster told her:
"I didn't know you were Jewish. You don't look Jewish. You
don't have a big hooked nose."
Well there you are. How's a girl supposed to tell?
And as to Horne, another Republican from Phoenix, Blewster said,
"I'm surprised you're Jewish. You'd make a good Mormon."
How Blewster arrived at the latter conclusion, Horne did not
report. Could she have mistaken a glimpse of his Hanes for one
of those Dr. Denton jobs your Mormon wears?
Anyway, neither Leff nor Horne went crying to the principal over
the affront: they just laughed it off among their more enlightened
and empathetic peers. Eventually a story this ripe just has to
get out and it did and Blewster issued the kind of outraged-virtue/offended-innocence
you'd anticipate from a know-nothing of her sort.
"This is not an issue to be discussed in the press at all,"
she said.
Sorry.
So I suppose Barbara Blewster's earlier remarks about gays, when
she issued an official public message saying, "The perversion
that follows homosexuality is bestiality and then human sacrifice
and cannibalism," is not an issue to be discussed in the
press at all either.
But then what is?
Perhaps Barbara Blewster's brain is fit fodder for the public
prints.
The problem there is that unlike a big hooked nose or a set of
one-piece underwear with a barndoor for number one, a drop-seat
for number two, and a hole for allowing two to become one, Blewster's
brain--or the lack thereof--is not readily apparent.
I think they ought to fit her with a screw-top head, like those
Elvis decanters of whiskey, so we could take a peek into her cranium
every now and again, to see if anything has started to grow in
there.
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