BUMPKINS ONLY: The U.S. Supreme Court this fall will take up the matter of English as Arizona's official language, an amendment to the state Constitution struck down last year by the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. But the Supremes, prim lovers of the narrow ruling that they are, may choose to decide only whether the group promoting the issue, Arizonans for Official English, can appeal the lower court's decision when the state itself says to hell with it. Meaning, the First Amendment, free-speech issue may not be decided. The whole English Only thing is ludicrous, of course. Americans should be free to speak whatever language they goddamn please--otherwise "free speech" means nothing. And instead of whining about some government bureaucrat talking to some poor southsider, or a wealthy Mexican, in Spanish, we ought to be insisting that our kids learn Spanish from grade one on up. Actually, the choice should be wider than Spanish, which is merely a logical default for Tucson because of our proximity to all those great Mexican restaurants on South Sixth. If we Americans were really serious about this World Superpower thing, we'd insist upon laws requiring the schools to teach our children the languages of their immigrant ancestors, even as we continued to pound into their thick little skulls the values of the U.S. Constitution and American democracy. As taxpayers, we should even be willing to pop for a year of study abroad, determined by the kids' second-languages of choice. The payoff for this massive exercise in internationalism/fun? Can you imagine an America where nearly everybody felt at home here as well as in another country? Can you even begin to imagine the fiscal, commercial and cultural power the U.S. would wield around the world? Sure, we think we're hot stuff now--an illusion the English-only tourist is quickly disabused of once he finds himself in France or Germany or Botswana. Then he realizes the bumpkins pushing English Only are selling only one thing--fear. Here's a little prediction that, unfortunately, only those of us in our 20s will be able to follow: Watch how Tucson's economy prospers from its proximity to Mexico over the next half century. Watch how those kids on the southside--who speak only Spanish at the moment, but who will soon be speaking two languages, and speaking them well--rise to become the leaders of the Greater Sonoran economy. And if you live long enough to see that, remember how easy it would have been to make America the light of the world, instead of the fearful, knee-jerk backwater we're in danger of becoming. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK IS DON: Legendary money-grubbing land speculator Don Diamond, who's worth $500 million if he's worth a penny, now appears to be supporting open enrollment in Arizona schools. And why? Apparently because it'll mean he'll make a few extra bucks selling homes near Pima Canyon. According to The Arizona Daily Star, which is finally starting to pay attention to this plutocratic jerk, Diamond wants to be able to tell the folks who buy his stucco boxes they can send their kids to Catalina Foothills schools rather than schools in the supposedly less desirable Amphi District. Hell, someday it might make the difference between those kids becoming boring mid-level managers like their folks, instead of growing up with some teensy understanding of local Hispanic culture, God forbid. We're sure Diamond is a swell guy personally and all, and donates boxcars full of money to charities every year, but his diddlings in the state Legislature in an attempt to limit Amphi School Board authority in this matter is way beyond shameful--assuming he considers himself an American and a local resident, that is. How much money did you make last year, Don? Eight to $10 million, maybe? How much more money do you need? We think that last question is particularly important, because we sincerely want to know when you're going to stop using your immense wealth and dollar-bloated influence to fuck with our government and elected representatives in pursuit of yet another "deal." HOW LOW CAN AN ALBINO RICH GUY SINK? And did you catch that quote from Gov. J. Fife Deadbeat III last week, after his two top bagmen were indicted by that federal grand jury in Phoenix--the one where he took credit for beginning the investigation that led to the legal demise of his own bosom buddies? Yeah, we all believe that, Fife. Just like we believe all that money and stuff you're trying to hide from the bankruptcy court belongs to your wife. Your big contribution involved fobbing the matter off on your political ally, Maricopa County Attorney Rick Romley, who whitewashed it bigtime. You know, Ev Mecham, for all his faults, is a better all-around human being, and certainly more honest, than this upper-crust, self-aggrandizing dildo masquerading as a leader. Fife's idea of leadership is to dance around and make noise while praying the voters don't notice he's stepping in serious legal doo-doo. At least with Mecham what we saw is what we got, however creepy. Don't expect the whiteboy to resign if he's indicted. Hell, maybe he'll give us all an even bigger tax cut. Yeah, Fife, we're just like you--we can be bought. MAKING A SPLASH: City Hall insiders have confirmed Mayor George Miller plans to make a major announcement on the future of the city-owned property at Congress Street and Interstate-10 within the next few days. This is the land Miller once proposed as the site for a downtown University campus, an idea rejected by the Arizona Board of Regents. It was also part of the downtown baseball complex Miller was promoting, another suggestion that went nowhere. Now, according to spies in the City Manager's office, Miller will propose a plan he believes will have widespread community support. He'll be calling for city government to build a Central Arizona Project museum and information center at the site. "George sees this as a chance to do something for downtown while also demonstrating the community's commitment to the CAP," one city official said. "I haven't seen him this excited since he got the votes to kick Molly (Councilwoman Molly McKasson) off the tenth floor of City Hall." While still in the concept stages, the museum plans reportedly call for a variety of exhibits and displays. One will feature a diorama of all the job opportunities created by the CAP. Under the proposal, the diorama would be funded by local plumbers, the group that has financially benefited the most from the $5 billion project. Sources say another proposed exhibit would feature the history of the CAP in Pima County, including a review of the land acquisitions necessary for the project's construction. The family of former U.S. Sen. Dennis DeConcini has expressed some "initial interest, at least" in financing this display, according to sources. While the museum and information center project is expected to cost in excess of $200 million, sources close to Miller say the Mayor believes the community will support his proposal--even though nobody seems to have gotten behind any of his other ideas for the downtown site. "George believes this project is a win-win-win for the city, just like the CAP is," one source said. Miller is expected to unveil his proposal at the regular City Council meeting on April 1, a day often referred to as--you guessed it--April Fools.

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