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An Apology
WE WISH TO apologize to Rand Carlson for failing to credit his wonderfully bizarre, possibly psychotic, illustrations in last week's cover story about environmental values in rural Arizona. We also wish to apologize to every single resident of rural Arizona for that article. Please don't shoot us--besides wasting valuable bullets that could be better employed on spotted owls and wolves, you'd lose at least half a day driving all the way into town. We're just not worth it, unless you also need to grab a few things at the mall, too. Furthermore, we screwed up and left off Joe Forkan's credit on last week's Hightower column--sorry, Joe. But don't worry, you'll still get paid. Unless, of course, some murderous yahoo from rural Arizona decides to shoot us. Then you're out of luck. And all you people clamoring for reprints of last week's photo of the space alien in Tucson Newspapers Inc.'s press room would be out of luck as well. Yes, there is a UFO alien conspiracy afoot in this town; and no, that was not a doctored photograph. Although we wish to apologize to the space alien for neglecting to identify he/she (it?) as Snark-ta-Bool G'Phlock, a media relations expert from Planet Zeptalon 6 in the Recton Galaxy. By the way, Mr./Ms. G'Phlock says plans to colonize rural Arizona are proceeding apace, and they'll be needing all of our shopping malls to house rural Arizonans in the near future.
Thank you, and have a nice week.
--A Bradley Dongas
Vice President In Charge of Sucking Up
Tucson Weekly Inc.
Alien Notions
To the Editor:
I am so relieved! At last there is a plausible explanation for the editorial mentality of The Arizona Daily Star ("Alien Star," Tucson Weekly, March 16). Aliens! Extraterrestrial possession! A cosmic experiment in mind-melding and manipulation! If your "possession" theory is accurate, it explains the inability of Star editors and staff writers to properly investigate and analyze issues. It really is a most logical conclusion.
I must offer a word of caution, however. There are indications that The Weekly staff may have been infiltrated by the same interplanetary forces. I remain concerned that certain Weekly staff writers continue to focus on procedural problems in the 1994 General Election which did not affect election results, and persist in ignoring 8,363 absentee ballots, counted but unverified, that could have affected the results in several ballot issues.
Obviously, our alien visitors are unfamiliar with voting and the integrity of the election process, so, absent a "cosmic exorcism," there is little hope that Star writers will ever get it. But, I do urge the Weekly editors to carefully monitor the content of their staffers' submissions and illogical thought processes. One publication with a Star mentality is enough!!
--Ed Moore
Pima County Supervisor
Base Thoughts
To the Editor:
The Skinny is all wrong wanting to close Davis Monthan and the city is foolish to consider paying for the runway extensions ("A Permanent Base," The Skinny, Tucson Weekly, March 16). It's important for the base to stay open: It has a great impact on Tucson's economy. But the primary reason to preserve any base is that it has military and strategic value. If DM has this it will stay open whether we want it or not. If the value is there, it's a national value and any enhancement of this would be a national benefit, so it should be a national expense.
If there is no military value, the runway could be extended all the way to the Pentagon and the base would still be closed.
I hope the feds find as much value in DM as our local government does, because, unlike The Skinny, I don't worry about jets falling on my kids any more than I worry about the Wildcats making it to the Final Four again.
--Mike O'Barr
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