By Jim Nintzel and Sidney Philips
AH, THE AWARD ceremony--that glorious tradition of honoring those who have done especially fine work by presenting them with tiny but coveted statuettes. There's nothing we enjoy more than a gala, star-studded award ceremony swirling with glowing smiles, limousines, designer gowns, rambling acceptance speeches and flash-bulb-exploding paparazzi.
Sadly, we can't afford any of that crap, but we've decided to dish out some awards nonetheless. The Tucson Weekly Academy of Political Science has taken a close look at the work of the 42nd Legislature over the last few weeks, and we've decided it's time to take a moment to honor our state lawmakers.
Welcome, then, to the first annual TW Ledgies presentation, celebrating yet another year of surviving the strange conservative rave known as the legislative session.
What's that? We haven't survived it yet? Well, we're sure we all will--with the exception of the occasional health clinic, poor person or endangered orange-flecked owl, or whatever the hell intelligent, caring people are bitching about these days.
So, without further ado, here, straight from the Capitol itself in lovely smog-bound Phoenix, are the 1995 Ledgies Awards:
The Best Performance as a Freshman award honors that newcomer to the legislature who has gone above and beyond the call of duty in his pursuit of attention. And the nominees are:
Rep. Scott Bungaard, a feverish freshman Republican from Glendale, who has been willing to sign onto anything put under his nose, sponsoring a total of 85 bills.
Rep. Paul Mortenson, a Mesa Republican, who has signed on to 74 bills, including hopeless abortion consent bills and legislation that would strip workman's compensation rights from taxi drivers.
Republican Rep. Jean McGrath, the self-described "granny" from Glendale, who has sponsored the infamous ozone bill making chloro-fluorocarbons legal in Arizona, as well as a resolution--in other words, a fancy and very expensive postcard--telling those Washington folks that we object to the international treaty calling for a phase-out of CFCs.
Sen. David Peterson, a Mesa Republican, who signed on to a mere 42 bills, but who has also pushed Senate President John Greene relentlessly to hear a bill that would require minors to get parental permission for abortions. At the high point of his crusade, Peterson broke etiquette by telling the media he'd be happy to support school vouchers--which he had previously opposed--if Greene would hear the consent bill.
And the winner is...Rep. Jean McGrath, who did more than any other freshman to make Arizona look like a state full of rubes with her CFC legislation. McGrath also wins the Best Dressed Freshman award, but she'll probably have to cover up a bit more if that hole in the ozone ever reaches the sunny skies of Glendale.
The Conspicuous Valor in the Battle Against the Marauding Feds award honors legislators who have gone above and beyond the call of duty to spearhead the states' rights movement, courageously ignoring the fact that Uncle Sam returns $1.20 for every buck we deliver in federal taxes. The nominees are:
Rep. Jeff Groscost (R-Mesa), who has sponsored bills making it a crime to comply with federal law and calling for a bounty on wolves, which the feds are planning to reintroduce in Eastern Arizona.
Rep. Jean McGrath, who sponsored the above-mentioned CFC legislation.
Sen. Tom Patterson (RPhoenix), who complained that Arizona shouldn't have to comply with the Clean Air Act, and besides, those brown clouds over Phoenix made for prettier sunsets.
And the winner is...Rep. Jeff Groscost. Groscost has been so busy cooking up half-baked anti-fed legislation that he forgot to file his campaign reports with the Secretary of State's Office and lost his post as minority whip. Groscost, in a side vote, was also voted best smelling legislator, a sharp contrast to the 117 bills that he introduced, nearly all of which stink like bad Arizona cheese.
The Best Performance in the Pursuit of Pork award honors that legislator who really knows how to use those taxpayer dollars to support a private interest--in other words, the guys who know how to bring home the bacon. This year, the nominees are:
Sen. Tom Patterson (R-Phoenix), who wants to give the governor's Constitutional Defense Council another $500,000, even though the group has barely touched the $1 million it was given last year to hire lawyers to sue the feds.
All three lawmakers from Southern Arizona's District 8. Sen. Gus Arzberger (D-Willcox) has introduced 12 appropriations bills, while Rep. Ruben Ortega (D-Sierra Vista) and Rep Paul Newman (D-Bisbee) have introduced 10 appropriations bills each.
And the winner is...Sen. Tom Patterson. His request for the CDC wins him the top spot because the Attorney General's Office has already offered to do the work of the CDC for free.
The Screw The Little Guy award goes to the lawmaker who does the finest job of shafting already disenfranchised citizens. This year, the nominees are:
Sen. Carol Springer (R-Prescott), who refused to hear a bill that would allow families at the federal poverty level into the AHCCCS program, even though the feds would pick up the tab and it would cost the state nothing.
Reps Paul Mortenson (R-Mesa) and Tom Smith (R-Phoenix), who teamed up to sponsor legislation making taxi drivers "independent contractors," leaving them ineligible for workman's comp.
Senate President John Greene (R-Phoenix), who aggressively pushed SB 1326, which allows small businesses to fire anyone for any reason, including their race, religion, sexual orientation or just the fact that they won't sleep with the boss.
And the winner is...Sen. Carol Springer, who refused to hear the health care bill because she was concerned about "expanding the welfare rolls." Springer's cold-hearted decision means that people who are truly in need of medical attention are not going to be able to receive it. Maybe they'll just go off somewhere and die, eh Carol?
The Casper Award goes to the legislator who's done the best impression of a ghost. This year, the nominees are:
Rep. Carmen Cajero (D-Tucson), who seems to have done nothing this year, despite more than two decades of experience in the legislature. Cajero is a very nice lady with great hair, but the last time anyone paid any attention to her, she was allegedly swiping fruitcakes from a southside grocery store.
Rep. Harry Clark (D-Mammoth), who has yet to say "boo."
And the winner is...Rep. Harry Clark. We'd let Harry make an acceptance speech, but we're not sure he can talk.
The Self-Serving Performance award honors that member who blatantly flaunts conflict-of-interest considerations and introduces legislation benefiting his or her own private industry. The nominees are:
Rep. David Eberhart (R-Glendale), a civil engineer who was the prime sponsor of a bill to make it tough to file claims against "registered professionals," including--you guessed it--civil engineers.
Democratic Sen. Gus Arzberger, a rancher from Willcox, who has sponsored a sales tax exemption on agricultural equipment.
Rep. Jean McGrath, who runs a plant nursery and sponsored a bill to allow nurseries to sell the seeds of protected plants
And the winner is...Rep. David Eberhart, whose bill requires you to find a registered professional to back up your claim before you can file a suit against a registered professional you think has done you wrong.
The Hardest Slap on the Face of the Voter award goes to that legislator who has worked the hardest to undermine laws enacted by the voters through a ballot proposition. And the nominees are:
Sen. Stan Barnes (R-Mesa), who sponsored legislation flushing the campaign contribution limits enacted by the voters in 1986.
Speaker of the House Mark Killian, a Mesa Republican, who sponsored bills redirecting tobacco tax money to a hospital in Springerville and resurrecting the private property takings legislation rejected by the voters in the form of Prop 300 last year.
Mesa Republican Rusty Bowers, who worked feverishly to redirect money from the voter-created Heritage Fund to the little-known Natural Resource Conservation Districts--which are essentially groups of ranchers who already soak up some $20 million taxpayer dollars every year.
And the winner is...Sen. Stan Barnes. Campaign contribution limits have effectively curtailed the cost of campaigning and the influence of Political Action Committees. Barnes' push to scrap the limits is a self-serving piece of legislation designed to bring more dollars into his own pocket.
Our next award, the Best Friend of the Legislator, goes to that company that has figured out a way to reward lawmakers above and beyond campaign contributions. And the nominees are:
The quasi-public water company Salt River Project, whose employees include both Rep. Art Hamilton (D-Phoenix) and Sen. John Huppenthal (R-Chandler). Who needs to rent a lobbyist when you own a lawmaker?
The law and lobbying firm Snell & Wilmer, which employs Senate President John Greene.
The law and lobbying firm Craig-Fennemore, which employs Sen. Mark Spitzer.
And the winner is Snell-Wilmer, which pays a regular salary to the senate president, who has final say on which bills are heard on the floor.
To the winners, congratulations. We're glad we were able to give your hard work the recognition it deserves. And to those who didn't win, remember that just being nominated is a special honor. We like to think there are no losers here--except, of course, the taxpayers.
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