FROM THE MOUTHS OF PROFS: Three cheers and a tip o' the tenure to the UA's Committee of Eleven, which recently made a bunch of noise and a suggestion to the Faculty Senate that they emphatically blow a large raspberry in the direction of Arizona International University--that liberal arts experiment tying its fate to the former IBM prison off I-10 and financed by thee and thou. The faculty group's chairperson, Kenneth J. Smith, told The Arizona Daily Star they think the whole shebang has been created following no known rules. Celestino Fernandez, the idiotic project's point man, called foul, which he always does, and presumably went back to sending out brochures and calling local friends to see if they want to teach at his university. Meanwhile, Regent John Munger's quote on the no-confidence vote was classic geekspeak: The faculty just wants to "enforce their old paradigm on what's intended to be a new paradigm." Munger may be right. Mix up a large cup of good-old-boy power bonding, throw in a provost who doesn't want tenure for his professors but won't relinquish his own, and add mass amounts of judgment lapses, and you've got more than a new international university model. It's beginning to look a lot like something otherworldly, say more along the lines of an Arizona Galaxy U with its own planetary provost and a solar system of circling PhDs caught in that endless annual dive toward the black hole of contract review. Beam us up when this thing gets off the launch pad--we know some high school seniors we want to warn to steer clear of this sci-fi nightmare. INKY DINKY DOOFUS: When Bob Burns, brainless Republican chair of the state House Appropriations Committee, came up with an amendment to tax newsprint to fund three Success by Six health and literacy programs for kids, we began to realize this guy might really have hatched a great idea. Pissed that papers in the state ran editorials endorsing the program--gee, we only have one of the poorest records of funding for children's programs in the nation--Burns, who opposes the spending, put through an amendment to HB 2277 slapping a 4 percent tax on newsprint, saying the resulting revenue would fund the health and prenatal care programs so desperately needed. It's the if-you-want-it-so-bad-you-pay-for-it idea. Good one, Bobby baby. Anybody who favors any ideas to fund programs should speak up, and then they'll be forced to pay for them. Let's see, we can tax prosecutors who want more money for cases, judges who want more money for jails, cops who want more money for law enforcement, teachers who want more money for schools. It's one hell of an idea and it takes the tax burden off those of us who never complain about anything and don't want nuthin' from nobody. And of course state and local broadcast media won't have to pay for anything since they rarely go out on a limb to endorse or vilify any of the vicious, mean-spirited, screwball, fuck-headed legislative crimes emanating of late from that den of Mesa Republicanism known as the Legislature. It's brilliant--where do we sign? NOT TRUE--WE LET THE CHILDREN SHOOT THEMSELVES: We enjoyed the newspaper coverage of the debate over the anti-cockfighting bill that failed in the legislature last week. (See Jeff Smith's column in this issue.) According to the Citizen, pro-cock-fighting pinhead Curtis Washington, a Waddel, Arizona, resident, said, "We care very much about these birds. These birds receive better care than some children in the communities we live in." That's for sure, big boy. And the Citizen quoted Rep. Paul Mortensen, R-Mesa, who opposed the bill, as saying, "I think animals are for the pleasure of human beings." Hey, Paul, we really don't want to know about your sex life, dude. SPECIAL ED'S SPECIAL FRIEND: Of course we were gratified to see the recent Page One Arizona Daily Star headline that read "Fugitive warrant served on local land developer." One less scumbag and a little more embarrassment for an industry hardly noted for its integrity. But this one is special because it involves Supervisor "Special Ed" Moore. Seems a crook named C. J. Scott, local land speculator, SAHBA member, and political contributor, wasn't really C. J. Scott, but James Henry Patterson, who'd jumped bond in Nevada back in 1982 after being convicted of various felonies dealing with hot cars. He was picked up by the Pima County Fugitive Investigative Strike Team. Scott/Patterson had a wonderful track record locally, with numerous violations for illegally destroying Indian ruins and illegally subdividing property. He was always slapped on the wrist--hey, developers are the ruling class around here, remember?--and nobody ever matched his prints because nobody ever busted him for all the other crimes he committed. They let him skate. What makes Scott/Patterson politically relevant is that Moore's phone number showed up on his speed-dialer, according to sources close to the investigation, and he was a maximum contributor to Moore's last campaign for re-election to the Board of Supervisors--he gave $240 in October 1991, according to county records. We don't plan to let Special Ed skate on this one for a couple reasons: • The use of "guilt by association" has always been a Moore trademark, so his associations are relevant. Next time you pull that crap, Ed, we'll be ready to remind you about your buddy C. J. Scott. • And Moore is a pompous, self-righteous asshole who always yells "corruption" at everybody else. Hey Ed, hanging around with this scam artist looks pretty damn corrupt to us. CHOPPY WATERS: You may have recently heard the Town of Oro Valley recently acquired two water companies, Rancho Vistoso and Canada Hills. What you probably haven't heard is why. Seems Tucson Water, under direction of Tucson City Manager Mike "The Spike" Brown, had been negotiating for the purchase of those water companies without the knowledge of the elected officials of either Oro Valley or Tucson. Oro Valley Mayor Cheryl Skalsky says she was forced into the water business by the activities of the City of Tucson, whose officials once again denied they were doing what they were caught doing. We call that lying. Skalsky has hardly been shy about making this explanation public, but the apologists for Tucson Water in the regular press have either found her critique too harsh for their friends or they've been too stupid to grasp the relevance of the action. Either way, nobody got the whole story.

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