By Tom Danehy THREE OF THE really cool things about being involved in sports include (but are not limited to): • You always have something to talk about. • You sometimes are able to grab your crotch in public without people thinking you're a pimp. (Unless you want people to think you're a pimp, which includes about half the guys I played with in high school.) • You can make sports-related analogies for just about anything. Sports analogies are especially effective in discussing politics. For example, there's the "dark horse," which is from horse racing, which isn't exactly a sport as much as it's a reason for middle-aged white men to dress funny, drink in public and tear up losing tickets. But you get the idea. Sports influences are pervasive in society, which is why, in geopolitical terms, the USA is Number One, Baby! If we didn't have the NBA, we'd be a Second World country. And if we didn't have the NBA or the NFL, we'd be even worse than that. We'd be...part of Canada. Yes, the influence of sports is everywhere. Do you think it was just a coincidence the NBA All-Star Game and the Iowa caucuses were on consecutive days? Anyway, I was thinking about the guys running for president this year and it's amazing how they match up with NBA teams. I'm sure everyone out there has had the exact same thought at one time or another. Right? See, like Bill Clinton is the Houston Rockets. They're the two-time defending champions, but they still get no respect. Heck, last year they were defending champs, they came back from a 1-2 deficit against Utah and a 1-3 deficit against the Suns and just got stronger as the playoffs progressed, until they finally swept the Orlando Magic in the finals. Like Clinton, the Comeback Kids. Unfortunately, that's about as cerebral as this discussion is going to get. The rest will just be an excuse to goof on the sorry chumps chasing the Republican nod. The candidates and their NBA counterparts: PAT BUCHANAN: THE VANCOUVER GRIZZLIES. They're both un-American. Actually, Buchanan's combative style is reminiscent of the Detroit Pistons Bad Boys of the late '80s. Only one thing: Detroit actually won with that style. After Iowa and New Hampshire, Buchanan will be gone before he can say, "Send them all back where they came from." BOB DOLE: THE NEW YORK KNICKS. He's the front-runner, but he, his message and his style are just too old to make a serious run. Like Richard Pryor used to say, "His toes is old, his fingernails is doity..." The Knicks' window of opportunity closed a couple years back and now they're trying to ride Patrick Ewing's brittle knees to one more shot at the title. Ain't gonna' happen. STEVE FORBES: THE ORLANDO MAGIC. All the money in the world, ain't got personality the first. Will make a splashy showing, wowing some kids along the way, but will fade in the stretch. People keep talking about Orlando being a dynasty of the future; I'll be surprised if they win even one championship. As for Forbes, do people really take this clown seriously? He's a one-note (flat tax) guy and even that one note is sour. I know some kids who like to goof around, so they answer every question with, "Up your butt." "Where you guys going?" "Up your butt." "Do you know where Billy went?" "Up your butt." That's all well and good until you get into serious questions. "How do we stop the spread of AIDS?" "Up your...oops." So, Mr. Forbes, what would you do to make sure the U.S. intervention in Bosnia doesn't escalate? Let me give you a hint, Steve. The answer is not a flat tax. Besides, who is this guy? He looks like the poster boy for the National Nerd Telethon. I'll bet he paid some consultant $100,000 to come up with the name "Steve." Despite all the hoopla, neither he nor the Magic are making the finals. PHIL GRAMM: THE DALLAS MAVERICKS. Nobody outside of Texas takes either one of them seriously. For that matter, neither do half the people inside Texas. BOB DORNAN: There is no sports analogy unless Germany had a basketball team during the 1936 Hitler Olympics. I hate Bob Dornan in a big, big way. This is a jerk who flew like half a combat mission 40,000 feet over North Vietnam and has the nerve to call every president in the last quarter-century a coward. All except Ronald Reagan, who served his country in WWII by making hazardous training films in West Hollywood. Dornan called Clinton a "traitor" because Clinton went to college and exercised his right of free speech. Dornan should be censured by the House and kicked out of office by the voters. But mostly I hope he gets the Republican nomination. Clinton could go fishing until November. LAMAR ALEXANDER: THE ATLANTA HAWKS. They both bring to mind the phrase, "Are they still in the race?" A couple weeks back, the hawks had won 10 straight games and they'd actually lost ground on the front-running Chicago Bulls, who'd won 15 straight. This country has had some unique political groups. The Mugwumps, the Know-Nothings, the Copperheads. But does Alexander really think he can lead us into the new millennium as The Plaid-Backs? ALAN KEYES: THE MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES. They're both like, "Yeah, right." C'mon Alan, a black conservative Republican? There must be, like, three of you by now. It's gettin' old. Heck, you guys could hold your national convention in the bathroom of a jetliner. Unless there's a meeting of the Mile-High Club going on at the time. And you don't want to intrude on that, you bein' conservative and all. Man, if you weren't running for president, you'd be selling Amway products. Being a lifelong Democrat, there's one thing I'm glad of: The GOP doesn't have anyone who corresponds with the Chicago Bulls.

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