The Arizona Legislature's To-Do List Reads Like A 'Monty Python' Script. By Jim Nintzel and Sidney Philips ANY HOPES THAT Arizona lawmakers would dedicate themselves to serious work during the 1996 legislative session were dashed last week when Rep. Bill McGibbon introduced a bill calling for the state to execute death row inmates by harvesting their vital organs--an idea McGibbon credits to his Green Valley constituents. Ah, progressive Arizona. McGibbon's ghoul bill got the headlines, but there are plenty of other strange bits of legislation sure to set off fireworks--like House Bill 2378, which would legalize sparklers. This one failed last year after firefighters and paramedics exploded in opposition; but, like so many bills, it has risen from its ashes once more. The wacks are back with House Concurrent Resolution 2001, which tells the feds Arizona supports Michael New, an Army soldier currently facing court martial for refusing to wear a United Nations helmet. New is a cause célèbre for fringe paranoiacs convinced the Trilateral Commission is ready to order the U.N. to seize control of our nation's infrastructure and enslave the working class. Our Freemason masters at the Council on Foreign Relations have ordered us to oppose this bill in the name of ZOG. To prevent this sort of slide into one-world tyranny, the Legislature has asked for a constitutional convention several times over the last few years. This year, lawmakers have reversed themselves. They're now pushing a resolution (HCR 2012) which tells the feds we've changed our minds about those repeated calls for a constitutional convention. We definitely, absolutely, honestly do not want one of these. Are we clear on that? Speaking of restoring lost freedoms, House Bill 2167 would once again allow us to wager on elections without overzealous county attorneys trying to take us to court. This item was spurred by the prosecution of two old coots who advertised an election wager in Camp Verde a few years back. If this one doesn't pass, we'll have to travel to Rocky Point to bet on this year's presidential race. Private school tuition vouchers have already made their annual comeback--this year under the guise of protecting students. Twenty-six lawmakers have signed onto the Bully Bill (HB 2257), which allows parents who think their children aren't safe at school to transfer them to the campus of their choice, public or private. If it's a private school, parents would be eligible for a voucher. Zealots might consider just paying the bully to shake down your kid for lunch money. Elsewhere on the education front, House Bill 2221 requires seat belts for children on school buses. Unfortunately, there's no provision on how to make kids keep them on, but there are big fines for a driver who doesn't. A handful of Democrats have teamed up to repeal last year's chlorofluorocarbon bill, which made it legal to produce freon in Arizona, despite federal law to the contrary. This one probably won't go far, but it will embarrass the Republicans who continue to support a law clearly in conflict with federal legislation and international treaty. The prime defender of freon, Glendale Rep. Jean McGrath, has teamed up with Mesa Rep. Jeff Groscost (who introduced his share of nutty bills last year) and Lake Havasu Rep. Don Aldridge to introduce the Zit Bill (HB 2318), which makes a physician referral unnecessary to see a dermatologist, no matter what your health insurance plan says. McGrath has also sponsored a bill which would make the state Game and Fish Department--and, by extension, taxpayers--liable for any damage wild animals do to private property. In other words, if a pack of javelinas tear up a golf course, we have to pay for the damage. Yes, it's awful when some smelly wild beast somehow disturbs the tranquility of our perfect, insulated lives. It's a shame we can't just eradicate them all and replace them with cute animatronic robots. Among other bits of odd legislation floating around in the early days of the legislative session: • HB 2352 makes it illegal to keep killer bees. • House Bill 2364 will make it a crime to lie to a legislative committee--which is unnecessary, because it already is illegal (even though lawmakers can lie to you and habitually do--they're politicians). • National Guard troops would be able to enjoy a boys' night out under SB 1009, which creates a fund for "morale, welfare and recreational activities," in addition to creating a few jobs for funmakers with the dough. • HB 2170 increases the penalties for committing crimes while wearing a bullet-proof vest. That's sure to make criminals think twice. • And HB 2181 finally, thankfully, defines obscenity as anything the East Mesa Republican voters say it is, dagnabbit. And we can all sleep easier knowing that.

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