By Tom Danehy I JUST LOVE the Tucson Open. This year it's called the Nortel Open, but I try not to memorize those names. The poor Tucson Open has had more name changes than Erica Kane. About the only sponsor they haven't had is Sally Struthers. And that's only because they wouldn't allow her unlimited access to the buffet table. Actually, the golf tournament holds a special place in my heart, as it was the focus of my finest hour in my tenure here at The Weekly. See, they hired this new editor and she was all gung-ho. She and I had a lunch meeting (the details of which are the basis of the story I'm currently pitching to The X-Files), and she told me that I had to start doing real journalism or else. When the laughter died down...I could tell that she was serious. In fact, she told me that my next column had better be serious journalism, no first-person, with real investigative technique and no made-up quotes, or it would be my last. So, I did "Tom goes to the golf tournament and goofs on people." I figured I'd go out with a splash, but as it happened, she had managed to piss Jeff Smith off, so she was outta there quicker than you could say "Manoj Vyas." I even like to play golf. Mostly I like it because I'm not good enough at it to get frustrated. I only play once or twice a year, so it's still fun. That way, I only have to hit one good shot per day (out of 100 or so) to have a good round. All the rest can suck, but I'll come away saying, "Oh man, did you see that drive I had on 13?" I used to play more often when my deejay buddies, Mike Elliott and Jimmy Kimmel, were in town. We used to go out and have some serious, un-golflike fun, mostly at the expense of our other friend, Curly. We had this one amazing day at Randolph South. When the statute of limitations expires, I'll tell you all about it. The tournament is jam-packed with events through Sunday, January 14, and beyond. When contemplating the Nortel Open, several things come to mind: • THREE GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE TUCSON OPEN 1. For an entire week, it allows middle-aged white men to dress like pimps. 2. We need the rain. No matter what time of year they play the thing, Mother Nature takes it as a cue to hock a loogie. Actually, last year it didn't rain at all during the entire week. It snowed. 3. The Conquistadores, who run the tournament, do good work with the youth of our community. No joke here. They're wonderful and they've helped thousands of people, with everything from youth sports clinics to defraying the travel costs for local teams participating in outside tournaments and camps. They help make Tucson a better place to live. • TWO WAYS THEY COULD MAKE GOLF BETTER 1. Cheerleaders. Golf needs noise and lots of it. It'll never be taken seriously as a sport until it has unruly fans. Not savages like they have in New York; but loud, enthusiastic people who will be able to scream things like "Faldo, you suck!" without having everybody else in the gallery hiss at them like they'd burped during Pavarotti's aria or something. Cheerleaders are generally annoying, but maybe that's what golf needs. Heck, if you took all the cheerleaders away from football games and put them at golf tournaments, you'd make both games better. 2. A time clock. Just think if it didn't matter how many times you hit the ball, but who gets the ball in the cup first. Now that would be sport. Imagine everybody teeing off at the same time, then fighting their way through the mob to find their ball and hit it again. It'd be like a demolition derby. I'd buy a Grand Slam badge for that. • OVERSIGHT DEPARTMENT The Nortel Open has a committee of media advisors which apparently includes everyone who has ever written or spoken a word about sports in this town. Everyone except me, of course. I'm waiting for an explanation of this oversight. Hey, I like a free Izod shirt as much as the next guy. • LET'S BLAME IT ON RONALD REAGAN'S FAILED ECONOMIC POLICIES When Sam Snead finished fifth in the first-ever Tucson Open, he received $325 in prize money. A paper in this year's tournament packet features suggested lodging for the tournament week. You can get a cool room at Starr Pass for $325. Per night. Oh yeah, after that first tournament, Jim Click sold the buckboards which had been used to transport the golfers around town at a drastically reduced price. • FAUX PAS ALERT Just by coincidence, the Harlem Globetrotters are in town next week also. If you're out at a fancy restaurant, don't make the mistake of confusing a pro golfer with a Trotter. If the guy is wearing bright green pants with a purple shirt, white shoes and lots of gold chains around his neck, he's a golfer. Plus, the Globetrotters look like they've run a mile all at once at least once in their lives. That should be enough. • THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY The 1996 media guide claims that Tucson is "a community of 750,000." I dug out an old media guide from 1982 which said that Tucson had only 350,000 people. I was trying to figure out what could have caused the growth, but then it hit me that 1982 was the year that Steve Garvey played in the Pro-Am. • WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? Babe Didrickson Zaharias, the greatest woman athlete of all time, played in the first (1945) Tucson Open. She shot a 307. Heck, I've done better than that lots of times. No wait, she shot 307 for four complete 18-hole rounds. Never mind.

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