The Lone Ranger

First of all, the movie should’ve been called Tonto, because Johnny Depp’s Tonto is the one being positioned as the main focus of the movie. Second, they should’ve never, ever made this movie. Depp teams again with his Pirates of the Caribbean director, Gore Verbinski, for a weak take on the masked man saga that parodies Westerns without officially announcing itself as a parody. Depp puts a bunch of crap all over his face to hide the fact he isn’t a Native American, and he plays the role of Tonto for laughs that never come. Armie Hammer steps into the title role, sporting an inconsistent Western movie accent and an annoying goofiness that renders him useless. William Fichtner plays Butch Cavendish, a bad guy who eats people’s hearts, something that doesn’t play well in a PG-13 film. Between Depp’s mugging and Verbinski’s exaggerated directorial style, the movie is as abrasive as sandpaper with broken glass sprinkled on it. Disney had pulled the plug on this one a couple of years ago, thinking that most people wouldn’t be interested in a big-budget Western with Depp masquerading as Tonto. Well, they should’ve stuck to their guns, because they were right.