Other oddities I've experienced recently include:
· I went to see a movie the other night, and I was able to watch the entire movie without hearing one cell phone ring. I just wish I could say the same about when I go to church.
Of course, to be fair, it was a 10 p.m. showing of Fantastic Four, which had already been out for three weeks, so there were only four people in the theater. I'll never own a cell phone, so that left only three possibilities. One of the other people was my friend Tom, who didn't bring his phone. The other two were teenage girls, so the odds shot way up, but darned if they didn't have rare phone etiquette. Or maybe they weren't popular enough to have somebody call them and ask, "Where you at?" and then call them back in five minutes and ask, "What are you doing now?"
The last four times I went to church, at least one phone rang each time. But after the horrible scandal, we Catholics are trying to get better, so only two of the four a--holes actually answered their phones.
· Recently, I was stuck behind a pickup truck with Texas plates for nearly a mile. In that time, the driver did not exceed the speed limit, run a red light, cut somebody off with an unsafe lane change or make an illegal right turn. And when the truck pulled into the Albertsons parking lot, it didn't take up two parking spaces.
From that, I came to the conclusion that the truck was in the process of being stolen.
· I once saw a U.S. citizen go into a Western Union.
· I called an 800 number and heard a voice that didn't sound completely dishonest when she said, "Please listen carefully to the following options, because they have recently been changed."
Is it possible that all businesses, corporations and governmental entities have recently changed their options? Have you ever called one of those where it didn't say that nonsense?
A recent CNN feature said that companies save a substantial amount of money by using automated systems. If they would turn around and direct those savings back to the consumers, fine. But you just know that some fat turd CEO will use the money to hire Jimmy Buffett to sing at a corporate bash. So, when I hear one of those messages, I just start pressing buttons. I eventually get a human being, who then has to re-direct me to someone who might be able to help me. It's not like Jimmy Buffett needs the money.
· I saw a kid on a skateboard who didn't look like his parents had already been related before they got married. If they got married.
· When we reached 37 straight days of 100-degree temperatures, one of the weather guys on Channel 13 almost had the stones to say that he hoped we'd break the record. But then Kris Pickel said otherwise, and that was that.
After going more than five straight weeks of 105, 108, 110, why would anybody not want to break that record? What, is 99 somehow substantially better than 100? If it was going to be 75 all of a sudden, then yeah. Otherwise, since we got this far, we might as well have gone 50 days or so and put the record out of reach. Then, for the rest of our lives, when they would have mentioned on the weather how, back in 2005, there was a streak of 50 straight days of 100-degree weather, we could have all smiled and nodded and said, "Yeah, I remember that year."
Instead, we ended up tying the record, which sucks. And the day after the streak was broken, it was back up more than 100. Nice going, Kris.
· While watching the Fantastic Four, I almost bought Jessica Alba as a brilliant scientist. Naw, I can't lie. She's worse than Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist in that James Bond movie.
Could somebody please explain Jessica Alba to me? She has got to be the worst actress in Hollywood, and that includes Tara Reid, Jessica Biel and Harvey Fierstein. And what's with the dye job? In close-up scenes, her hair looks like it's the color of orange straw. You would think that with a $100 million budget, the producer could have gotten somebody to do a better job of dyeing her hair. Or, better yet, to explain to her that, with her coloring, blonde hair would look stupider on her than it does on Mary J. Blige?
Every scene that she's in comes to a thudding halt under the weight of her talentlessness. Except when she's invisible; those are good.
· I drove through a construction zone the other day and saw three guys wearing orange vests. Two of them were working.
· The other day, when I was in a hurry, the woman ahead of me in the grocery store express lane had fewer than 10 items, wasn't talking on the phone, and she paid with cash.
Life is just full of surprises.
