We tend to cover Kickstarter and other crowdsourcing sites a lot around here, and justifiably so considering the awesome things people tend to do with them (beer! art! film!)...but here's a particular crowdfunding site I honestly didn't expect to ever exist, for some reason: Offbeatr [NSFW, obviously], the crowdfunding site for pornographers seeking startup capital.

The Internet is useful for a great many things: sharing information, shopping and, of course, down-and-dirty hookups (looking at you, OKCupid.com).

Well, a young lady over at Reddit's Tucson subreddit (fancy name for "message board" for the uninformed) is asking where a woman of below-average attractiveness can get herself some lovin':

I'm looking for the best and cleanest bar (or bars) for an ugly girl (a 3 or a 4, chubby with an ugly face) to get picked up or at least meet someone?

New to Tucson as of two months ago and I don't know where to go yet.

Now, this lady appears to be hard up for some hard-ons, saying that she's "looking to get picked up, not make friends," and that she "knows [she's] ugly, [she's] not upset about it or anything." Realistic, I suppose, albeit heart-achingly so.

So Tucson, if you've got any suggestions for getting this woman someone to take care of her in the boudoir, feel free to head over to the Reddit thread in question, "Best & cleanest bar for an ugly girl to get picked up?" or leave a few comments down below.

Surely, someone in this town is willing to show her an evening she won't try too hard to forget about in the future, right?

Because if there's anything the Internet needs more of, it's ways to aid people in their quest to possess the Ultimate Penis.

According to Jezebel, Pfizer (the producer and pusher of Viagra) is having quite a hard [snicker] time as of late, as Viagra is the most counterfitted drug on the planet. See, Pfizer's patent on the pill to plump sagging gentleman's sausages runs through 2020, leaving legitimate producers of generic pills in the lurch, and giving black market makers of "Viagrower" or whatever the opportunity to bilk people into buying herbal remedies and dried bull semen — and everyone knows that the only legitimate use for bull semen is in energy drinks.

Semen tangent aside, Pfizer's onto something new and interesting here in their attempt to reach boner-pill users who are too embarrassed to actually jaunt down to the pharmacy to remedy their secret shame.

"It's a very interesting and novel approach," says Judson Clark, an Edward Jones analyst who projects that Viagra sales Viagra sales could continue to decline 5 percent each year for the next five years. "Whether it returns Viagra to growth is hard to say."

By making Viagra available online, Pfizer could be setting a new standard for the drug industry. "If it works, everybody will hop on the train," says Les Funtleyder, a health care strategist at private equity fund Poliwogg.

So, as we continue with news and updates regarding the fact that May is apparently Masturbation Month, it seems that now would be as good a time as any to mention that Teen Mom "star" Farrah Abraham took part in a "sex tape" with noted porn star James Deen — a "sex tape" that was sold to the purveyors of pornography Vivid Entertainment for a sum that was somewhere in the neighborhood of a million dollars.

Why is this notable? Well, for one, Abraham made an effort to make this seem like this was a "leaked sex tape" and not something that she negotiated to give Deen money for. I mean, she did butt stuff on camera and made it seem like this was an average evening with her boyfriend (who, again, happens to be someone who regularly has sex with a lot of people for money).

Thankfully, unless you really feel like watching terrible pornography, Salon's Tracy Clark-Forey made the decision to watch it for everyone — and if she's a reliable source, apparently the entire thing, dialogue especially, is god-awful watching (emphasis from the original):

Eventually, they got to it, and I realized that I actually preferred the asinine conversation. At one point, I got sick of the exaggerated moaning and muted it. It got to the anal and I was just kind of like, “Whatever, I wonder what people are talking about on Twitter.” It was so tedious that I started taking Photo Booth snapshots of my own expression while watching it. My bored face was more entertaining than the video itself. There was lots of finger-tapping on my desk. Aside from the fact that I had awkwardly positioned myself with my back to the wall, so as to avoid traumatizing my coworkers, witnesses might have reasonably assumed that I was reviewing a lengthy legal brief.

I imagine there's nothing more tedious than viewing bad porn, especially for work. But, I will say, having "Farrah Abraham: Backdoor Teen Mom" on the expense report form has got to be fun in its own right.

Oh, and if you want to see NSFW stills of the terrible porn flick, Gawker has you covered — though honestly, the terrible boob job Abraham underwent makes it not even worth viewing.

In honor of the fact that May is Masturbation Month, we give you something that was found a week or so ago and didn't share for reasons such as "it is so damn weird" and "it's porn related" — then, we remembered that this is the same publication that ran fiction featuring its writers in compromising positions only a few months ago, and said "eh, to hell with it."

So without further ado, I present the terrible porn parody that took inspiration from (and paid homage to) the Parks and Recreation episode "Bailout" from the most recent season, which featured a clip from a fictional porno "featuring" members of the main cast. It's just so damn meta.

The Porks and Recreation (yep, that's its name) safe-for-work video is below. But I still probably wouldn't watch it at work if I were you.

Happy Masturbation May, everyone!

I do remember when former U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders was fired for her statements on masturbation and a need for it to be in sexual education. She was and continues to be an advocate for drug legalization, but it was her comments in 1994 at a United Nations conference on AIDS that forced the Clinton administration to throw her under the bus (ah yes, those disappointing Clinton years).

Elders was asked at the conference if it would be appropriate to promote masturbation to prevent risk of STDs and other risky behaviors. She said this:

"I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught."

Other write-ups on Masturbation Month link to Good Vibrations. The founders of the sex toy shop started this special month in honor of Elders, and yeah, self-love.

Want more info? I'm going to recommend the lesbian blog Auto Straddle, because they include a handy, self-serve play list with a range of tunes just for Masturbation Month. Please, check it out here.

The word masturbation. Wow. Thank goodness Homeland Security wasn't around back then. Check out the video below — when masturbation and fear collide, but in a funny French way:

Big Lingerie can't be happy to hear this.

Frenchman and professor Jean-Denis Rouillon has come to the conclusion that bras end up making breasts saggy. No, really.

Rouillon came to this conclusion after an absurdly lengthy 15 year study, in which he used a slide rule and caliper to "carefully measure changes in the orientation of breasts belonging to hundreds of women," according to thelocal.fr:

"Medically, physiologically, anatomically - breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra," Professor Rouillon told France Info radio on Wednesday.

...

All the women involved in the study were aged between 18 and 35, although the professor was keen to stress that the group were not a representative of the global population of females.

After regularly measuring women who were not wearing bras the scientists concluded that "on average their nipples lifted on average seven millimetres in one year in relation to the shoulders."

Rouillon did say that his study doesn't apply to everyone, noting that "it would be of no benefit to a 45-year-old mother to stop wearing a bra," apparently proving that if women want to retain perky breasts that they need to 1.) not have kids, and 2.) stop getting old.

Get right on that, ladies.

So we're clear, that's actually a pretty terrible thing. Go us?

According to Coed Magazine (itself an honorable model of taste and restraint, featuring a story on the "40 Sexiest Mila Kunis GIFs"), our beloved state of copper, cactus and citrus — among other "c" words — features two locations among the nation's 15 trashiest spring break destinations.

Which kinda makes sense, when you check out Coed Magazine's criteria for selection, which consists of "Girls Gone Wild, bike weeks, Hooters, tattoo parlors, etc." And they've handily included local liquor laws, so you know when bars close and whether or not you can walk around with open containers (such as when you and your bros feel like rolling down the street with an open sixer of BL 'Numz).

With that in mind, let's check out the blurbs for Lake Havasu and Scottsdale (which are accompanied by handy slideshows, for those who are interested in the details of this spring break debauchery — so they can more easily combat it, of course):

#13: Scottsdale, AZ
Scottsdale is to Phoenix as South Beach is to Miami—it’s essentially the wilder extension of Arizona’s capital. Unless you happen to have the same Spring Break as ASU (located next door to Scottsdale in Tempe), there’s a good chance that you’ll see a lot of college revelers out and about.

Don’t expect to come to Scottsdale though if you’re looking to rage during the day. Locals tend to use the daylight hours working on their tans and uploading shitty gossip to the blog TheDirty. Instead, they tend to come out at night where they can spend absurd amounts of money in nightclubs.

#6: Lake Havasu, AZ
Anytime you see videos of drunk American women dancing or stripping on a boat, it’s a safe bet to assume you’re watching footage of Lake Havasu. As one of the premiere (we use that word lightly) destinations for West Coast Spring Breakers, you’re always guaranteed to see some ridiculous stuff here. Nipple tassles and tattoos are par for the course once things start getting rowdy. The only price of admission you have to pay is securing a working boat.

I'm so, so damn proud. Good job, folks.

If you're so inclined, check out the full list of, uh, "winners" at coedmagazine.com.

Gawker Media's video game culture blog Kotaku has a tendency to go very, very broad with their coverage from time to time, stretching away from video gaming news, rumors, previews and reviews to deliver the occasional feature piece, such as a lengthy interview with an industry personality, an opinion regarding the role of video gaming within our lives, or (occasionally) something from way, way out of left field.

This is one of those left-field pieces.

One of the largest trends in video gaming as of late has been customization: the arenas you play in, the character you play as, or the items you use, with some games going as narrow as a character's emblem, and some going as broad as being able to create entire planets in your desired image.

The thing is, for a lot of people, that image tends to be a phallus. From Kotaku (note: the images in the link are NSFW):

There are, truth be told, better things a reporter can do with their time than to keep asking why people seem to love drawing dicks.

Nevertheless, I did inquire. A bunch.

"There are many different possible explanatory frameworks for considering this question: Freudian, Marxist, Feminist, Deconstructionist, Evolutionary-Psychologist, Existentialist, etc," game designer and head of New York University's game studies program, Frank Lantz, told me last fall when I began to interrogate the matter.

"You might as well use the question ‘Why do people draw dongs?' as a proxy for ‘Why are we here?' 'What is the good life?' ‘Why is there something instead of nothing?' or any other Big Philosophical Question."

We probably all have good guesses, right? People draw penises because they think it'll shock people or because it's one of society's few visual taboos and because they're not that hard to draw.

...

"Every time we've given people the ability to arrange things of their own-bread, ships-inevitably people want to leave a mark that people recognize," Ultima's lead creator Richard Garriott recently told me when he recently visited our offices in New York. That mark they leave, he said, is "not just something like ‘Killroy was here,' but something that was purposefully shocking or affronting. And if you're going to draw a purposefully affronting and shocking thing, a stick and balls is a pretty good easy basis to create a reaction."

The best part of the article isn't that it's about, well, dicks. It's that it makes an attempt to understand why people, from seemingly all walks of life, attempt to draw penises whenever they're afforded the opportunity to create images in a game, and looks at the topic from cultural, psychological and anthropological perspectives.

It's an interesting read covering an incredibly immature topic. Check it out, if you're so inclined. Just be warned: beyond that link, there are penises EVERYWHERE.

• Pictured: the mascot of the Friend Zoned.

The OED definition, for those unfamiliar with the concept:

noun
informal
a situation in which a platonic relationship exists between two people, one of whom has an undeclared romantic or sexual interest in the other:
"I always wind up in the friend zone, watching them pursue other guys"

I could go on and on about the term (and the folks whom it describes, though everyone who has ever pursued a romantic relationship could be said to have been placed in the friend zone at one point or another), but Slate's writeup takes the cake:

Unsurprisingly, the masses are fond of this new term. (And let's be honest: While men and women of all sexual orientations get crushes, the friend zone is mostly a straight-male phenomenon based on the widespread sexist belief that straight men can never truly be friends with women without having an ulterior motive.) It’s so popular, in fact, that it is now being put in the Oxford English Dictionary, a sacred tome widely believed to be both a better dictionary and a better step stool than, say, Merriam-Webster.

All this demonstrates what Jane Austen was trying to tell us 200 years ago: Sometimes it doesn't pay to let a guy down easy. Many a woman has uttered the phrase "Let's just be friends" on the theory that something a little more direct would result in an angry reaction. But really, even if your suitor goes so far as to cough up a word that starts with a b or even a c, is that really worse than having him go on Tumblr and write self-pitying posts about how the woman who belongs to him refuses to accept her fate? If you suspect that you're dealing with a guy who is comfortable with the term friend zone, then there's no reason not to be blunt in your rejection, preferably by saying, "I could never be with a man whose beard smells like Cheeto dust."

Seriously, check out Slate's post. There's a ceramic pony wedding topper image that's incredible.