I paid a visit to Alan Ward at the Downtown Farmers' Market on Wednesday and got to see the aftermath of a bullhorn being slammed across your collar bone.

Ward pulled back his shirt just a tad, and sure enough, on his upper right side was a 6-to 8-inch bruise, just beginning to fade from black to blue.

Ward and his market vendors had fun a couple of weeks ago when they set up a screen to block Asshat's view (not his bullhorn) of the market from Asshat's new protest area in front of the downtown Bank of America building. That day, Asshat was arrested, and that weekend, Ward was served No Contact Order papers at his home, thanks to Asshat, requiring Ward to stay 50 feet away from the anti-immigrant Asshat.

Last week, Ward and others decided to screen him out again. This time, Asshat swung his bullhorn at Ward, and Ward was arrested for violating the no-contact order.

According to Ward, he asked the arresting officer if he could file an assault charge against Asshat. He was told he couldn't, because Ward violated the no contact order.

About an hour later, Ward says, Asshat came through the jail, handcuffed and escorted by two Tucson Police Department officers. Ward says the cops had to work hard to make sure they didn't accidentally violate the no-contact order. Ward stayed put while Asshat was processed. Ward was moved to another area more than 50 feet away while Asshat took his spot in the holding area. Even in the confines of jail, a judge's no contact order must be enforced.

When I talked with Ward on Wednesday, I found out Asshat would not be in attendance at his public-speaking corner. Ward says the arresting officer had stopped by with an apology and to tell him it looked like Asshat might not be back for sometime.

The reason Asshat was arrested right after Ward? Asshat allegedly assaulted a City High student. He was also told he could press assault charges against Asshat afterall.

While I waited to make sure Asshat really wasn't going to be show up (Ward jokes about how punctual Asshat is on Wednesdays, 12 noon to 1 p.m.), Ward was paid a visit by TPD Det. Robert Garcia to go over the events of last week, and to confirm that Asshat was going to stay away from the market during an investigation.

I asked Det. Garcia if the investigation had anything to do with Ward, and what may have happened regarding the City High student. He said he couldn't comment. When asked if indeed it was possible Asshat was not coming back, Garcia said he could only guarantee that Asshat would not be back on this particular Wednesday (Feb. 27). "He's smart," Garcia said. "He could be back anytime."

Garcia confirmed that Asshat must stay 1,000 feet from the Bank of America building during the investigation. When will that investigation end? Garcia said he didn't know.

Meanwhile, Ward is heading back to court next week to quash Asshat's no-contact order. He has also filed his own no-contact order against Asshat. Trouble is, he's not sure if the address on Asshat's Web site is his legal residence. Ward was hoping Asshat would be at the BofA building Wednesday so he could have one of the TPD officers serve Asshat with the no-contact-order papers.

Either way, Asshat is out of the market and Ward's hair--for now. But ,as Garcia said, he could be back anytime--with bullhorn in hand.

(Editor's note: The Weekly has decided not to use Asshat's real name in this story, because we don't want Asshat to get the attention he so dearly craves.)

Evidently, there's a Tucson woman in our midst who is in her 30s--and she's sick of people asking her why she remains single.

She also happens to be an art student working on her master's. Her thesis project: The Perfect Women. Delia W. Oman (not her real name for security reasons) set up a blog and accepted submissions from people re: what they think is the perfect woman. The writer of the winning submission will get to fly to Tucson and go on a series of dates with Oman that she will film and run live on her blog.

She recently anounced the winner, and today Oman, begins to create the winner's version of the perfect woman--which includes the possibility of filling in the gap between her two front teeth. (All this time I always looked at model Lauren Hutton as a beautiful example of why gap teeth are sexy. Have I been wrong this whole time. Are only straight teeth appropriate for the Perfect Woman?)

These are the items she will consider working on, but will formally decide by Monday and is looking for input from the public:

TO DO LIST

Things I definitely plan to change:

1. workout daily - I plan to do running, weightlifting and yoga

2. lose 4 lbs.

3. get my hair done like Jennifer Aniston

Which hair cut should I get?

You can post a comment here to say which one is better.

4. get the gap in my front teeth fixed (probably something temporary)

5. wear light makeup

6. work on a tan

7. buy some new bras that show my breasts off more (maybe pushup bras)

8. work on not being bossy (try to be aware when I am and change my behavior)

9. before I assert myself question my beliefs (trying not to think I’m right all the time)

10. send out my birthday gifts and cards on time! get things fixed around the house (there are two lights out in the kitchen right now…)

11. try some video games and find a couple I really like

12. go to the movies more often

13. be more hard lined about illegal activities (however, I want to make sure this doesn’t conflict with “nonjudgmental”)

14. stop having drinks with friends (can still go out but just stick to water? or should I stop going anywhere where they serve alcohol?)

15. write to Alan and get to know him so I can try to love him (don’t know how much control I have over love)

Things I may change:

1. join a sport

2. get collagen for my lips (it’s temporary, 3 months, but I’m not sure it will help me have a “nice face”)

3. stop calling and writing my dear friend so I’m not a cyberspace cheater (the only problem is that this is a little in conflict with “stands up for and defends the ones she cares about” and “responsible”… maybe I can do it in a responsible way)

Things I’m reluctant to change, but willing to consider:

1. get botox (really this just grosses me out)

2. get a nose job (the women he mentioned all have distinctive noses, so I think mine is fine)

3. try a cigar (I think this was just an option not a suggestion)

KGUN 9 ran a story on her project and did an interview with her. She seems smart, is not bad-looking, and the gap in her front teeth is cool.

In May, Oman makes her transformation. She may want to consider protecting the winner's identity during the dates, just in case he ends up being a goofball who thinks the gap must go. His dating life probably sucks anyway, but that dating life could certainly be nonexistent at the end of the Perfect Woman Project.

As we mentioned last week here on the blog, Project 28--the "virtual fence" along the U.S.-Mexico border in the Sasabe area that was supposed to be a model for a new age of electronic border security--still has a few bugs to work out. So many bugs, in fact, that Homeland Security isn't going to try to expand the project before 2011. On the bright side, Customs and Border Patrol officials say they've learned a lot from the $20.6 million experiment.

Here's the report from the Government Accountability Office.

Speaking of high-tech: Now we need to worry about robotic death machines. Guess it's only a matter of time before Skynet goes operational.

The folks at the Loft just informed us that the times for Starting Out in the Evening have changed. They are as follows:

• Feb. 29 to March 6

  Friday and Saturday: 11:45, 4:30, 7

  Sunday: 4:30, 7, 9:30

  Monday: 11:30, 4:15, 9:30

  Tuesday: 11:45, 4:30, 10

  Wednesday and Thursday: 11:45, 4:30, 7, 9:30

Also, they added a Lunafest event at 7 p.m., Tuesday, March 4. It is 150 minutes and not rated.

Excuse the bastardized Marcy Playground's "Sex and Candy" reference above, but I can't help it after paying a visit to my neighborhood Coffee Exchange. 

I've always liked those coffee protectors (I can't remember what the technical term is for the cardboard cozy that goes around the paper cup to keep your hands burn-free), because I like to get two and put them around my wrists and remember the days when Wonder Woman was on TV Saturday mornings. Those were the days, before 24-hour children's programming on cable TV made Saturday mornings like any other morning. Know what I mean? 

As usual, I digress.

Coffee Exchange has been a nice place for me to go the past few months to work between office and home. The coffee isn't amazing, and the food is not so great, although the new omelet wrap is gaining popularity. It's open 24/7. The guys behind the counter are funny. They have electric outlets all along the walls, and no one seems to mind when you're yelling on your cell phone. Late, late at night, the crowd is like a caffeinated version of the Buffet (except no closing), with a mix of college students and homeless people coming in off the streets for a cup of coffee. I've been feeling like I had a nice little office away from the office. 

Then last week, I did a double take at my coffee cozy, or whatever, when I noticed it went from being a cardboard band with the Coffee Exchange logo --- to an advertisement for Maiden Form bras' The Smooth Bra.

It features a picture of two women--one in a black Smooth Bra and the other in a beige one. All the girls are looking well-supported, and the women in the pictures seem, well, ready to you know ... do it, but only after you drink your Joe first.  

I asked a lady in line with me if she was as thrilled as I to get a cup of coffee with a bra ad attached. 

"Well, it's not what you expect, but I guess some guys are pretty happy to get their coffee here," she said, smiling. 

Perhaps, I thought.

Driving home, however, I wondered if all my trips to Coffee Exchange and these new Wonder Woman bracelets would leave me worried that I just didn't have enough support in my life. OK, forget about that ... but it is interesting how all forms of advertising slip into our lives - even at the Coffee Exchange at Campbell and Grant. 

The last corporate craziness I witnessed recently was at the airport security line, with shoe advertisements in the bins you put your shoes and laptops in for the conveyer belt.

At a coffee place, most people have their heads buried in books or lapstops. Occasionally, they look at their cups or put on the cozy to think about yesteryear. Coffee Exchange is a corporation. Maiden Form is a corporation. Let the corporate images slip in; drink up and then go home. You're left with three choices: Go back and get more coffee to get more Wonder Woman bracelets; get it on when you get home; or go through your underwear drawer and head to the mall. It's our American way of life.

Here are a few events that were received too late for inclusion in our Feb. 28 print issue. We recommend calling event organizers for last-minute changes in location, date, time, price, etc.

• Saturday, March 1 from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.

  New Life Health Center

  5612 E. Broadway Blvd.

  Gluten Free Awareness Day. Sample a variety of gluten-free foods; learn about Celiac Sprue; speak with author and nutritionist Melissa Diane Smith. Free. Call 747-0209 for information.

• Sunday, March 2 at 2 p.m.

  Rincon Congregational United Church of Christ

  122 N. Craycroft Road

  Ellen Chamberlain and John Nauman. Violinist Chamberlain performs with pianist Nauman. Program includes Edward Elgar's Violin Sonata, Op. 82 and the Violin Sonata #18 by Richard Strauss.

• Tuesday, March 4 from 2 to 6 p.m.

  PCC Aviation Technology Center

  7211 S. Park, at Tucson International Airport

  Aviation Fair. A career fair for students seeking information on aviation careers. Aviation professionals looking for employment are encouraged to attend. Call 206-4500 or visit www.pima.edu for information.

• Wednesday, March 5 from 6:30 to 7:45 p.m.

  Nannini Library

  7300 N. Shannon Road.

  Northwest Democrats Club Meeting. Pima County Recorder Ann Rodriguez will speak about election accuracy, methods, issues and will answer questions. Free. Call 791-4626 for information.

Jonathan Hoffman, a frequent Guest Commentary writer, has this to say about the death of William F. Buckley Jr.:

The subject header said "Breaking News", the body of the email said, "William F. Buckley Jr. died Wednesday morning at 82…" I uttered "No!" Not the "No!" of an angry person, or the "no" said in answer to a question, but the plaintive "No!" of someone who just suffered a great personal loss.

Buckley had a profound effect on the politics and culture of our country, but it was people of my generation (now in our fifties) with whom he connected in an almost personal way. That was certainly true of me.

My first exposure to Buckley, also known by his signature line "WFB", was while viewing his PBS television show, Firing Line. The first thing that struck me was the theme music: Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 in F Major, Third Movement (Allegro assai), by Bach – WFB was a big Bach guy, and this piece was his favorite. The studio set consisted of two chairs, one for WFB, and one for his guest, that's it. As I watched I thought, "Why is this guy slouching so low in his chair that he's about to fall out, and why can't he smooth out his suit and take his hand off the side of his face?" Yet, his interviews and speeches on the show were crack for the intellect.

I had a subscription to National Review, a magazine founded by WFB in 1955, for years in my early twenties. Most young men with subscriptions to National Review received them as unsolicited birthday gifts from Republican grandfathers – I paid for mine. It was a source of great hope and solace during troubling times (the Carter years).

Many of today's prominent conservatives have spoken of WFB's influence on them as youths – from Rush Limbaugh to Michael Medved. Medved actually began adult life as a liberal Democrat, but became a conservative later in life; you can read about his experience in his autobiography, Right Turns. My experience was of the Medved model. In fact, I usually don't tell people this, but I voted for George McGovern in 1972. There, I said it!

WFB engaged the world on all fronts including television, periodicals, a syndicated newspaper column, books – more than fifty, both fiction and non-fiction, and speaking engagements. This guy used to speak and debate on college campuses during the strikes and riots of the late 60's and early 70's, and he was not telling them what they wanted to hear!

All have acknowledged his wit, and sense of humor. When he ran for mayor of New York City in 1965, he slipped away in the middle of the campaign to participate in the annual Newport to Bermuda Regatta – a race about which he later said he had as much chance of winning as the mayoral one! In Saving the Queen, one of his novels, the protagonist is sent to England to find out who was passing secrets to the Soviets. He becomes well acquainted with a member of the Royal Family, and, after hearing his report, his handler reminds him that his mission was to penetrate the spy ring – not the Queen!

Not everyone was as enamored of WFB as Rush, Michael, and me. I had a radical feminist friend who, when speaking of Buckley, would change the first letter of his last name to create an obscenity. Ah, well.

WFB was brilliant, witty, adventurous, and most of all, he had class. He was born into wealth, but unlike the nouveau riche of today, his family was "old money" with all that that implies.

To me, and many of my kind, WFB will always be a mentor, role model, leader, example – in short, a great man.

While he did say some rather goofy things in the latter part of his career, he never quit, never retired, and never stopped living life. He died working at his desk in his study. His son Christopher said that he died "with his boots on, after a lifetime of riding pretty tall in the saddle."

I never met WFB in life, and it will be unlikely that I will meet him after death, for surely he is in heaven.

There's a whole new issue online and awaiting its loving, tender readers. Feel free to comment on its contents here.

Oh, and here's an all-new weekly blog feature: A Web-exclusive Ask a Mexican video! Enjoy!

Pima County doesn’t seem too eager to cut a check to Bill Risner, the attorney who represented the Pima County Democratic Party in the recent court battle over sloppy vote-counting procedures.

Risner has yet to prove his most sensational charge: The county flipped the results of the RTA election that established a half-cent sales tax to pay for transportation projects.

But he did show that the county had some lax procedures that needed to be fixed—and county officials have already taken steps to make the system more secure.

Risner also won a court fight over whether computer databases used to count votes qualified as public records. Following the court case, Risner delivered a bill for about $300,000 for his legal costs.

Pima County objected to the bill, arguing that Risner had not “substantially prevailed” in court because he had asked for more than 1,000 computer files and Judge Michael Miller had declared only two of them to be public record. While Risner had prepared to appeal that decision, the supervisors buckled under pressure from election-integrity activists during a raucous Pima County Board of Supervisors meeting and turned over most of the records in question.

“It feels like we won,” Risner says. “We got a bunch of data.”

Risner complains that the county is “nitpicking” his bill: “There’s nothing they’re not arguing about.”

Among the disputed bills:

• The county says Risner billed for hours of legal work that was done before the complaint against the county in this case was filed. Risner says those hours were spent on a separate lawsuit against the county that is still going forward and plans to revise his bill to reflect that.

• Risner has asked for about $9,000 for paralegal services performed by Jim March, a computer expert who helped Risner understand the software that tabulates votes. The county’s lawyers say that March was an expert witness and that he does not have experience, training or certification as a paralegal.

“Jim March put in untold hours on this case,” Risner responds. “The request was just for when he assisted me in specific depositions. He’s the guy with expertise who was functioning as a paralegal.”

• Risner billed for hours spent working with the Arizona Attorney General’s Office regarding his allegation that the RTA election had been fixed. AG Terry Goddard eventually determined there was no proof that the election results were flipped, but Goddard did opine that the county’s software was vulnerable to hackers.

Risner says county officials were the ones who told him to take his concerns to the AG in the first place, so they shouldn’t complain now that he’s billing them for the time he spent working with Goddard’s office.

“They told me I had to take it to the attorney general,” Risner says. “So I did.”

• The county complains that Risner billed for time spent talking to the media. In this instance, the county’s legal motion is downright snarky: “A number of entries reflect time spent by counsel in writing to or speaking with a representative of the press. Such activities do not constitute legal work, and, in fact, given the general prohibitions on pre-trial publicity, should not have occurred in any event.”

Risner says he only charged for a few of the press contacts, primarily when they came while he was working on other elements of the case.

“Some of these requests are quite legitimate because of the public importance of these issues. The press often gets stuff wrong in articles and they need questions answered; they need stuff clarified. And they’re calling because it’s something that’s important to the public,” says Risner, who assured us that he would not be billing the county for our interview.

In a court filing, Risner argues that he probably didn’t charge for more than 30 percent of the time he’s spent on the case. He writes: “The added nature of the importance of this issue to the democratic rights of the public has been an additional factor in the case’s preparation.”

We've got the county's response to Risner's expense request here. as well as Risner's response to that. You be the judge!

This had me chuckling and wasting valuable time this morn: I bring you Garfield Minus Garfield.